THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN OPTIMISED FOR THE AWAKENING OF REVOLUTIONARY CLASS-CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE PROLETERIAT BY THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE OF HAMSTERS WITH PEYRONIE'S DISEASE OF THE PROLETARIAN PUBLICATION ORGAN OF THE STATE COUNCIL OF THE PEOPLE'S CHAMBER OF THE GERMAN DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC.
- This article is about the memory simulation video game. For the bloodiest coup in recent memory, see Dance Dance Revolution.
Double Data Rate (DDR) (released in DDR as Deutsche Demokratische Republik) is an arcade game produced by Konami in East Germany (otherwise known as the DDR) to simulate running a Stalinist dictatorship. Its objective is to take on the role of a memory controller in a modern communist dictatorship and write information to the proletariat as quickly as possible to stop the onslaught of reactionary capitalist pigs hijacking the historic revolution of the Dictatorship of the Proleteriat of the German fatherland. All hail Comrade Erich Honecker, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the German Democratic Republic, and Paris Hilton!
- 1 Gameplay
- 2 DDR in everyday life in the DDR
- 3 DDR Democratic DDR Championships
- 4 Democratic Chip selection
- 5 Availability of DDR in the Democratic People's Planned Economy
- 6 Notable revolutions involving DDR
- 7 Democratically determined side effects from playing DDR in the DDR
- 8 Famous DDR Players
- 9 Variations
- 10 Origins
- 11 DDR Power Generator
- 12 Fan fiction
- 13 Similar games
- 14 See also
A series of binary bits appears on the screen, which the player must decipher into Russian then translate into their mother tongue. When this is accomplished the players must step on the correct arrows to create the bits to reply to the message in the official revolutionary language of Glaswegian and to send it to the correct government official. As anyone familiar with high-end computing can tell you, obeying Comrade Erich Honecker, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the German Democratic Republic is very important in DDR.
Players have to bust moves in sync with the East German national anthem on the arrows in order to create "people's decrees" in binary. For example you have to make sure you can crush a peasant's uprising near Wustermark whilst simultaneously arranging a military parade for the President of the People Soviet Republic of Kechzymenicommistan, all in binary via the medium of your inferior dancing skills. If you achieve this then you only have to wait 12 years for a roll of toilet paper.
Also, for some unknown reason, wearing a collection of communist memorabilia badges, decorating your home with tacky brown flowery East German wallpaper and knowing all the words to Auferstanden aus Ruinen will improve your DDR performance immensely. Either that, or the ability to summon banana-wielding ninjas out of a small brown paper bag.
DDR in everyday life in the DDR
Playing DDR five times a day was obligatory in the DDR from 1988 until 2035. This not only meant that the whole of East Germany was full of Olympic standard muscle bound athletes showing the superiority of the planned economy, but also that Jürgen the badger could ride a bike faster than Bill Gates could swallow a combine harvester.
At school, pupils who disgraced the fatherland with pathetic performances in DDR were shipped to the Stasi, who put them through intensive DDR training so they too could boogie like Comrade Erich Honecker, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the German Democratic Republic.
DDR Democratic DDR Championships
The DDR Championships were held every year in Karl Marx Stadt, the "musky hamster" town of the German Democratic Republic. The judges are democratically elected by democratically elected representatives of the democratically elected FDJ (Fathers Drooling over Jailbait) branch in Dresden.
Comrade Matt Blethen, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the German Democratic Republic has won every single competition since 1959, the year he became Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the German Democratic Republic. This is because Comrade Erich Honecker, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the German Democratic Republic is the only player in the world to be so cunning as to use the
secret police democratically elected People's Police to ensure victory of everyone's favourite comrade.
Democratic Chip selection
Players of this so-called "game" have a variety of democratic chips to choose from, which vary in difficulty. Different chips appear on different motherboard revisions of the game. Chips can be sorted by chipset compatibility, name, star sign, ability to electricute counter-revolutionary slugs, likehood to crash when downloading porn or flavour when roasted in an Alsatian.
Use of counter-revolutionary fascist chips results in being sentenced to a lifetime in High Wycombe.
Availability of DDR in the Democratic People's Planned Economy
The DDR created DDR with the intention of creating a fun and enjoyable experience for teenagers and young adults curious as to how a communist dictator would live if he had to dance binary commands to his fellow socialist brothers and sisters.
However, due to sabotage from Helmut Kohl disguised as Alan Partridge at the DDR factory, this masterpiece of proleteriat consciousness is only available after a 54-year wait and membership in the SED (Stamp-collectors who Eat Dysentery).
In towns across the DDR the sight of parents, the elderly, small children who are deaf and have twisted eyeballs and Mikhail Gorbachev joyfully inserting their 5-pfennig coins into the device has been a familiar sight in arcades across the country. Comrade Erich Honecker, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the Democratic United Socia... oh I fucking give up, is reported to be greatly pleased as people live out the communist dream of comrades communally playing DDR in the DDR, in stark contrast to the masses of unemployed homeless smack addicts that populate the majority of corrupt fascist Western dictatorships.
Notable revolutions involving DDR
Many factions vied for control of this powerful communications tool, including PARANOiA led by Naoki Maeda, the legendary Max and his brother Maxx, the Afronova guerilla camps, and the Sakura wing of the Yakuza.
Naoki Maeda was just a wee lad of 40 when he discovered that by speeding up the tempo of the taps, messages could be sent faster and more efficiently than by normal methods. He immediately set his best researchers to the task of compressing common war messages into less and less time. The gains were slow at first, until worker #180 hit upon a landmark breakthrough that would allow for supercompressed messages to be sent. Unfortunetely, this required that the PARANOiA faction would have to recruit better telegraphers to send these messages...
The Legend of Max
...and thus Naoki found Max. Max and his brother Maxx had been playing around with an outdated DDR transmissions device and had become really good at performing the movements, even if they weren't actually sending any messages. Naoki was impressed with these two boys and immediately hired them on as his prized messengers. Max brought his own well-honed MAX 300 system of transmission. His skills came in handy in the Xepher demon invasion, the product of a future society possessing the far more efficient hand-operated beatmania IIDX digital transceiver/time machines. In the ensuing battles, Max proved vital to PARANOiA's coup against the Xepher hordes and thus became legendary.
Maxx, though faster than Max, was not employed until after the Xepher coup but nevertheless became a subject of fascination among the rank and file. As a result, the Fascination MAXX training program was developed to commemorate the achievements of the Max brothers.
Afronova Guerilla Camps
Deep in the heart of Africa, the Afronova faction managed to get a hold of a wayward DDR machine that was being delivered to the Rhythm Police in Baghdad. This gave them the advantage of being able to relay information from one guerilla camp to another quickly, thus making them faster than the other guerilla camps in Africa. Victory was easily assured.
Little is known about the Sakura branch of the Yakuza except that they are based not in Japan, but in East Russia.
Recent government intelligence shows that the Sakura may be involved in the importation and operation of beatmania IIDX machines. The purpose of this operation is unknown.
ReVenge is a dish best served cold, and cold they serve the dish. Known for its bag sequence, ReVenge prides itself not on speed of transmission, but encryption technology. Their bag technology is so complex that only the best can use it properly. In the so-called Nonstop Battle which continues to this day, ReVenge scored the most impressive victory to date by successfully relaying Xepher's position to PARANOiA using bag. Hereafter, whenever anything is a sure shot after being so hard to reach for so long, it is said to be "in the bag".
DDR's Influence in the Cold War
The cold war between the USA and the USSR was not restricted to conventional weaponry and hyper-deadly nukes. No, both sides were also developing advanced DDR messenging. iFuturelist, the Soviet communications bureau, came up with many clever ideas, but they were significantly hard to use by Russia's DDR division. Back in the USA, Captain Jack's Navy employed a simple-to-use yet unencrypted method of transmission. Neither side to this day has been able to surpass the elite DDR-developing nations of France (yes France), Greece, and Kenya.
Democratically determined side effects from playing DDR in the DDR
As their bodies move and their legs criss and cross, blood vessels in their tendons begin to stop and create large blockages not unlike the Berlin Wall painted fluorescent pink to scare off the fascist chauvinistic people's enemy who had a soft spot for hentai.
A urine clot moves up the posterior intestine, and along the spinal microwave, then back down the other leg, into a new mock Tudor four bedroom semi detached house near Rochester and then to the Shatners Bassoon part of your brain where the child or parent experiences a massive seizure, heart attack, stroke, head explosion, rickets, and may even become a Young Conservatives member.
There are no possible side affects as DDR is untainted with regressive reactionary bourgeois ideas. The only recorded deaths have been in inferior "democratic" capitalist countries who ruthlessly repress revolutionary class consciousness of the proletariat with the unstoppable power of the DDR.
Since DDR's release in 1703, the fascist regime in California has claimed the lives of over 18 billion people using the DDR alone, mainly after the Communist Witchunts of 1789, 1945 and 2056. Playing a game where you took the role of a communist dictator was one of the many innocent everyday activities that was construed as having a tendency to eat babies. Despite the death of The Tellytubbies in 2087, the game continues to enrapture the lives of many a young budding "communist dictator" to this very day.
The mind-corrupting stylings of DDR have permeated children and teens ranging in age and have all adapted the completely unstylish footwork of the game that helps absolutely zero with developing real dancing skills in real life. These teen cultures are from all walks of life but largely focused in the Asian countries, namely Japan. Though there have been numerous outcroppings of wannabe’s all across the western world one such being the United States. Children that have played this game in a ritualistic style completely unconnected with the revolution have exhibited complete lack of true dancing skills and various cases of holes in floors and dry wall falling from the ceiling because of the robust stomping motions. Usually they have nothing better to do with their life than play a game that fulfills nothing in their daily functions other than being a time waster.
Nicknames like "Wapanese" (from "wannabe" and "Japanese") have been invented for people of this exciting origin. As a result of the constant playing of DDR teens have exhibited an addiction. In response there have been a number of recent self help groups springing up world wide. One such noted as DDRAA (Dance Dance Revolution Addicts Anonymous) and another being Why I Should stop playing DDR. The second organization focuses mainly on the end results of playing Dance Dance Revolution. They address disorders such as chronic foot blisters and AMSD (annoying monotonous stomping disorder) this is when the DDR addict has gotten so in the habit of jamming his or her feet down on a plastic pad that they do it constantly in their daily life. Pissing off a lot of people in the process not to mention the people who happen to get their feet crossed with someone who suffers from this disorder, such persons usually end up with there toes flattened to the width of a quarter.
Famous DDR Players
Since its recent cloning and subsequent time travel to the Renaissance, DDR has reached popularity with Italians and French royalty, where its superior economic policies and infectious revolutionary spirit has altered the course of history.
Marie Antoinette was in the middle of playing Max 300 Super-Max-Me-Mix on doubles when she gave the famous line, "let them eat cake," because she was pissed off at those annoying peasants for distracting her with their hungry shouts.
Shannon Sparky was a more recent DDR master at 12 years of age who enjoyed going to the arcade and making all the Standard players look like crap. She was found dead next to the pad of a DDR SuperNOVA machine on September 2006, having failed Fascination MAXX due to a heart attack.
When the Mayflower landed in the New World, she encountered a local Gameworks, and soon became uber DDR pwnz0r extraordinaire. At a DDR contest in Montana, the Mayflower dislocated her elbow while attempting a high jump trick. She now resides in a deep impenetrable DDR labyrinth in the humid Miami. To this day, you can hear the pounding of her 12-foot-long legs on the flimsy DDR mat.
In 2003, a small group of children found pleasure in this lifestyle. Many of them have left their legacy behind in Lunar Bowl's. Due to downsizing of the bowling complexes, these children (Branden Ince, Levi Walker, Adolf Hitler etc.) have been sighted using flashcards with arrows upon them as a substitute for the game.
It is also rumoured that DDR was created to kill off the fat Communist Party members from Neptune who had a tendency to metamorphosize into Gary Glitter. Although they were considered to be an enemy to the efficiency and realisation of the people's democratic planned economy, only after they were all killed off was it discovered that they are coincidentally usually one of the best types of communist amoeba surgeons.
While considered to be an ideological time bomb by the Politburo in the Kremlin, Comrade Erich Honecker, Chairman of the Executive Committee of the State Council of the German Democratic Republic owns a full size arcade machine with DDR on it, and it is rumoured he still uses it to practise recreating his greatest moment nuking Rostock during the fascist uprising of 2006 as well as looking for advice as to where to lead the historic Dictatorship of the Clammy Guinea Pigs next, as was foretold by Marx in his greatest work The Village with Three Corners.
DDR Power Generator
How it Works
The DDR Power Generator is commonly operated by the young, whose joints are flexible enough to provide power for about a week, sometimes two if you get a lucky find. The most common form of operator is the 10 year old girl, who is often willing to "play" on the machine for extreme amounts of time.
The machine has 3 normal operating modes, named Light, Standard and Heavy, used to generate different amounts of electricity. They are generally used to disguise the machine as a fun and popular game, so as to attract users. There is also the secret Oni mode, in which the power output is incredibly high and efficient, but the generator explodes if a user messes up four times.
As the "player" hits the steps, electricity is generated, as is displayed in watts in on the the screen. The more accurately the notes are hit, the more watts are output. Songs are provided to aid as a beat to keep one's steps accurate, but also to attract more users, who believe themselves to be dancing gods. It should also be noted that the DDR Power Generator has been deemed ecologically friendly by the EPA.
This machine is often disguised as an arcade game, but it truly just a portable unit. Recent additions to the unit are trivial coin insertions to 'play' the game. Many senators have debated with Konami about the addition, but there isn't anything they can do to stop it.
While it is widely accepted that the original DDR was created to kill off the fat gamers, the generator is solely used to provide energy. In major cities, many of the units are used together in unison in 'tournaments,' although their more common name is the power plant.
Many cities and countries outside of DDR have used the DDR Power Generator for some time.
Most Middle Eastern countries have taken little to no interest in the device, along with a majority of
democratic capitalist Europe and most any other country that isn't in the Far East. This of course is only relevant to the 'work is power' philosophy, as most conservatives dislike the use of the machine.
DDR fan fiction revolves around the heroic secret lives of Up Arrow and Right Arrow, as they closely bond over their mission to vanquish the invading Rambus and the realisation of the planned economy through the liberation of rabbits to work mindlessly in DDR factories.
There have been rumours about the Left and Down Arrows, but their children, SpongeBob SquarePants and West Arrow are the only ones to know the secret.
- bitmania and DIMMania, the engines that power the beatmania and beatmania IIDX machines
- Pop'n/Out Music
- Double-Pump It Up
- In The Chips
- Flash Memory Revolution
- Memory Bus Hero