DOTA

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“I was godlike yesterday at a game of DotA.”

~ Oscar Wilde on DOTA

“Noob.”


Introduction[edit]

Dota is a designed for individuals who wish to abandon all aspects of strategy and skill in order to pursue a path of supposed "godliness". Players who enjoy the exceedlingly repetitive and inbalanced gameplay of dota also take great pleasure in running around nude and take pride in knowning how to operate a TV remote. Dota has been critically blamed for the encouragement of bad manners and self-humiliation that often came in the form of various degrading insults (most of which are quite laughable and satisfactory to our cravings for humour). Observe this conversation in a typical game of dota:

dotaKING: lol noob using bone
tehpr0: stfu tool i pwn ur ass
dotaKING: lmao w/e u noob
Allan has left the game
EVIL_SANTA: lol leaver wat a noob
poSerKid: lol
emoboi: lol
MasterDeebater: lol
godliek: lol
dotaKING: rofl Allan's a noob n leaver
tehpr0: lmao leave noob 

When feeling stressed, turn to dota logs for instant comic relief but at the same time; feel pity for these people.


How DotA came about

Some random dude called Eul stole maps from people and created DOTA. After naming Eul's scepter after him, he disappeared mysteriously and has been gone since. Then Guinsoo took over. Rumours has it that Guinsoo kicked Euls in the ass so he can have the map for himself. Guinsoo then names sheepstick after himself and runs off to play World of Warcraft. IceFrog is now in charge of Dota together with pencildragon and they have yet to create an item for themselves. This means that they are not ready to prepare for their departure.

Clan Tower Defence Allstars (TDA) has been in charge of Dota since forever.

The Setting[edit]

The game depicts a post-apocalyptic world, one which is ruled by mutant plants. All resistance has been crushed, save for one final outpost - the Ant's Nest. The Ants, the last remaining intelligent life on earth (though some say the only intelligent life that ever existed), have discovered the one weakness of the mutant plants - the Aphid.

On the plant side of the map (which is basically just a square), there are lush forests leaving room for only three convoluted paths to snake out towards the Aliens. Amazingly the Alien's half is filled with forests of withered trees which also leave room for three convoluted paths to snake down towards the Ant's nest. Amazingly the paths all meet their respective counterparts at a mysterious river that cuts the land in two. Amazingly ridiculous, impossible, unfair, unrealistic, out of this world.

It must be brought to the notice of the Misuse of Cyberspace Territory Committee that the poor map has been subjected to battle after battle after battle. This has resulted in extreme destruction, of which the purpose for destruction is completely pointless. Map police have reported instances of characters forcing ice storms down, burying beneath and animating peaceful and serene trees on the map. Such callous behaviour will not only cause harm to the environment, but also act as an asethetic eyesore to the countless intelligent and sentient people out there (i.e. non-DOTA players).

The 1337 speek[edit]

Theres also what "intelligent" gamers call the "1337 speek". Its a way of typing which resembles retarded beings. Here there are examples:

"OMFG NOOBS WONT TELL ME HOW GET WOOD!!!111 =(((" "T3H ABSHOLUTE KINGZZ ORF L8 GAYME 1V1, NAIXXOR? O RLY? NAW. ISH LEORIC TEH SKELE KING!" "hey i dunno if u guyz noe but theres dis program called banlist i tink and i tink its unfair that i get baned just bc i leave wen i die. i mean liek lolz who stays after they die? i dun wanna waste my tiem in a game wen i m not PAWNING. anyway i tink u guyz shud stop usin teh banlist bc now i can nvr play on bnet again EVAR."

See what these supposely intelligent beings mean?

However, the most advanced form of 13375|>34|< is not yet seen in DotA. 1+ 1|\|<()1|)35 5|>34|<1|\|6 11|<3 +|-|15. (It includes speaking like this).

Rumors are spreading 1337 Speak will be later on used as the language of a new race in Warcraft 4 to be introduced as "@#)$*)(^." No one knows what it truly means, as @#)$*)(^ is rumored to be the 1337357 form of 1337 speak.

"The new race to be introduced will speak by magically creating thought bubbles that will show their 1337 messages." -Bob the Builder, New CEO of Blizzard

Storyline[edit]

The previous version of this sub-heading was completely irrelevant to the above heading. An attempt has been made to shape this section into something more credible.

Basically, the storyline of this game involves a good number of characters (for more information on characters, please see below)who go about trying to kill each other. Most of the time, they are split into two sides (the abovementioned Ants and Aliens), but internal conflicts (which happen every single game) usually result in the muddling up of the clear-cut two-sided battle.

A typical DotA cow

Each character has a personal vendetta that demands that he/she kill everyone else on the other side and take pride from the number of unexplained murders he/she commits. Technically, murders don't really happen. This is due to the extreme stupidity of the various characters, where he/she refuses to believe they are dead. Characters then "regenerate" in a blinding flash of light that usually leaves them looking much uglier than their previous incarnations.

Besides the wanton murder of other characters in the game, characters also seek to destroy two titanic structures known as the Bra and the G-String. The Bra, a structure built to serve the needs of the ever-expanding mammaries of the Aliens, houses the most iconic bra in the history of Mankind, Madonna's conical bra. The G-String is a factory specialising in the manufacturing of top-quality underwear. The Ants revere undergarments, which would explain why they hold this structure in such reverence. The G-String and the Bra are competitors in the same industry, and one must be destroyed in order to ensure the extinction of the race that built it. You heard right, extinction. At this point in the game, all mindless DOTA freaks are either screaming in joy or screeching in anger. You see, the destruction of the Bra/G-String determines the winners and losers of each game. The euphoria following a victory is unfathomable. How does the destruction of an electronic lingerie factory serve to further the lofty goals Mankind has set for itself?

Characters[edit]

A few of the characters of the novel are detailed below.

-random: The most powerful hero in the game. However players cannot see him as he is invisible. However when a stupid player types "-random", this forces the hero to polymorph into a random hero (DAM WASTED). The most sensible hero in the game but was wasted heavily due to the fact that players type "-random" and cause him to lose his potential to rise above all.

-ar: This will result in the termination of all thinking live forms on the map in the form of an Intelligence Bomb. Anyone whose IQ is above -100 will be exterminated. This includes players, so use this command at your own risk. Then again, most DOTA players fall below the -100 mark on the IQ meter. Then 10 really ugly freaks will appear for 10 players to control, and the real game starts, with an extra objective to rid the map of any remaining pockets of intelligence.

-ap The 2 forces of the World, the Evil and the Good Combine with each other to start kicking each others ass. Intruiging.

-em The only mode that should and MUST be played in DotA. This mode stops people from leaving game, so you need this mode so you do not get noobs.

-sm was renamed -em so people call it "elite mode" instead of "sucker mode"

-wtf is the God of Power and Magic in the universe. Calling upon the entity would give all current noobs in the game absolutely NO COOLDOWN for spells and NO MANA COSTS. Called only by the weakest of noobs.

Zeus: A pagan God who keeps trying to subvert people to his religion. Now reduced to a computer game, doomed to be controlled by noobs who keep getting him killed. When he dies too often, he resorts to lightning to causing blackouts.

Furion: Known as the Antlered Blue Prophet. He has gain the powers of unlimited teleportation to reach all corners of the land in his mission to convert all to Furionism. When he goes into battle, he does not do standard attacks like other heroes, but in fact preach loudly until the enemies has been converted. The soul of the enemy leaving the body is the sign of a successful conversion by Furion. He can call upon trees to grow around the enemy to make sure the enemy stays to listen his preaching. If there are too many enemies, he can summon the help of his fellow tree-like disciples, called the Treants to help. Converted souls will be reborn at the barracks to become more missionaries in the spread of Furionism.

Rhasta: Rhasta was once an ordinary Jamaican employee working in Del-Taco, but after eating an outdated burrito out of a malfunctioning microwave his life has never been the same. Also, Samuel L Jackson won't let Rhasta on planes.

Phantom Assassin: Mortred applied to star in the movie Hollow Man 3, but was rejected because she was not a man. In a fit of rage, she shadow and blink striked the entire crew, ending the franchise. Mortred is better known as a Black Circle on the floor.

Luna Moonfang: A little girl who rides a big cat and has the power to "beam" enemy players up for a short amount of time to her spaceship. Known to instill T3h Fear in many.

Bradwarden: This unfortunate offspring of a horse and a man, has unknown strength and the awkward power to hump another hero and cause immense pain to the both of them. Known as the "emo" because he loves to hurt himself.

King Leeroy: King Leeroy is IMBAGG character ever. He was raised from the dead so that he could kamikazee non-stop into the world treeants' G-String factory.

Bone Clinkz: A cheerful overweight fatty in life, Bone Clinkz has gone the other way in death. His BMI is the absolute pits, because he keeps running around tiring himself out by releasing arrows at super-fast speeds. Keeps himself alive with a Death Pact, he orders takeaways so he can keep going without stopping.

Leviathan: A green fat, fat, fat, fat, fat ,fat old man who was lost at sea floating around. His body has been bloated by gallons of seawater, and therefore keeps puking gushes of water out that slow people down with their stink. Leviathan is in depression because he hates his ugly looks, and attempts to commit suicide by carrying an anchor and waving it about but to no avail. He gets very angry about this and throws many spikes from the ground when pissed.

Pudge: Like the Leviathan, Pudge is real fat who has pulverized many a weighing machine. His heavenly farts are so strong that it hurts the farter - himself, burning his anus and killing himself should he have more than abundant stock in his monstrous bowels. He loves to gobble people up all the time, especially young wriggly kids.

Leshrac the Malicious: An albino horsehuman who has a white beard. he looks disgusting and relies on visual effects and animation to cause opponents to lag out and quit. Usually players who use this hero would have many people in their banlist.

Ogre Magi: A two-headed blue cavemen who claims themselves/himself as a mage. Apparently thinks that throwing firesticks and using their/his bone club to whack people would make themselves/himself popular as a barbaric bastard. He has a disturbing ability: he is able to lust himself up or lust up other allies, increasing their vigor. Their real name is Ugly Matt, but their spelling is really contemptible.

Rikimaru: A blue hero who is as large as a pea. This hero becomes invisible due to his puny size and therefore opponents could not see him. Like an annoying pest who sprays smoke from his mouth, many heroes like to squash this bug after buying the green insecticide for 700++ dollars and then uses a tissue to wrap and throw him down a toilet bowl.

Square and Spleen: A member of an elite suicide bomber terrorist organization. Equipped with mines and bombs for an additional explosive effect. Thus far he has avoided the efforts of the USA to capture him. His next target, so he tells us, is the Great Wall of China.

Lycanthrope: A man who can change to wolve just like "the Beauty and Beast" but without the BITCH. Beware! This beast and his wolves are prolific serial rapists. Loves beastiality.

Balanar: A coward who only comes out at night, taking revenge on heroes who had kicked his ass and raped him in the day. His will to live on is the hope of flying. Is also famous of raping heroes at night...be afraid...be very afraid. Dances ballet every Tuesdays and Thursdays.

LOSEifer: Also known as Satan. Coming from Hell, he is looking for his one true love here on Earth.

Mogul Kahn: A kung fu fighter that only knows how to COUNTER people's attack and not know how to fight himself. Loves shouting like a barbarian, intending to attract enemies but instead scares them away much to his disappointment. So basically if you do not do anthing to this guy, he would do not do anything to you. Carries a flag that supports his clan --- IMN00B

Lich: An advertisement for mobile refridgerators and airconditioners, the Lich is a great threat to the electronic giants of Sanyo and Mitsubishi, because he can go anywhere and they can't. However, he still needs a cool down time, despite being utterly cold. Logical fallacy, there.

Morphling: A hero made of water that shoots water at other people. It is surprising it doesn't shrink while attacking. Its most powerful ability is to change colour during the game. Highly recommended for water gun fights.

Tiny: Huge for a rock, tiny for a mountain. Oh, and it walks. Tiny throws people around very often because these people cannot stop cracking jokes about tiny parts of his anatomy and he gets really angry. When Tiny is pissed at his allies, he is known to toss them in to fiery fountains, causing certain death and hilarity.

Omniknight AKA Jesus: Jesus is so amazing and unkillible. His favorite thing to do is to Repel himself and go invincible so he can take a bath in flames from a fountian. WTF A WATER FOUNTIAN CAN SHOOT FIRE!?!?!?

Alt + Q + Q (aka F10 +Q +Q): This is not actaully a hero just a trick to play on new players. Tell them there is a secret hero you get when you press "Alt + Q + Q" and then laugh as they leave the game. Then cry as you relize what you just did and that you have no life. Then die. It's okay, Uncyclopedia said you could, right?

Roshan Many have been known to get this character by Alt+Q+Q method and is known that he is a retard who lives near a river and do nothing but gives 800 gold whoever that kills it. Roshan is very well known to be retarded enough to cut off his own body just so he could throw a piece of rock that will tickle the enemy. He also likes to have cheese picnics. It is rumoured that when he dies he will pass on his bag of cheese to others to eat.

Dwarven Sniper: A little old man who used to hunt little ducklings back home when he was younger... Nowadays he just throws out bread crumbs and shoots his big gun, which is twice his size, at random moving obstacles that run away from the bread... he usually aims for the head and is quite good at sniping. And this little old man also can call as the feeder king EVER if you are noob!

Viper: A good little dog named Spot who, unfortunately, fell into a pit of "OMGPWND", a concoction for the Lich King's impotence. Spot thus evolved into a wannabe black dragon, but is eternally prevented from reaching his goal because of the side effect of OMGPWND, BO.

Drow: The black riding hood. She can stay at the back shooting arrows that numb your nuts and therefore slows you down. Receiving her ultimate powers, she can instantaneously kill creeps by aiming at their nuts so precise with 20% probability chance. Also has the ability to silence people in area by doing something magical to their nuts. It'd hurt so much they can't cast any spells.

Anti-Mage: Actually a Konohagakure ninja on a rank S mission. He is much like Hyuuga Neji, in the sense that both are actually blind. Also, he mastered some of the arts of the Hyuuga bloodline before infiltrating the ranks of SentinelAnts warriors. So whenever he attacks you, he blocks some of the enemies' chakra flow. Sometimes when he does that, you can almost hear his opponents cursing: "imba fuck!"

Terror Blade: Also an ex-Konohagakure ninja. He's quite good at Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, 影分身の術, and at Metamorphosis genjutsu (he appears to be transformed and shooting at a distance, but really just an illusion after all). After acquiring these jutsus, he went to study under Orochimaru and mastered the arts of psuedo-immortality that include life steal and life exchange. However, being chased by Konohagakure (rank S mission), due to being a traitor, he ran all the way to join the ranks of the Ants.

Spectre: The real ninja. He can throw a kunai at his opponents and create many illusions like Terror Blade's cloning technique. He can show up anytime from behind you, even though you thought it was just an illusion. He's a ninja so sometimes when you attack him, you'd think it hit, but it didn't. Fool! Nobody tries to kill a ninja! It is also rumored that when you're all alone, he will show up behind you and kill you when you least expect it. At one point of time, people are actually complaining about the existence of ninjas in this game. Didn't they know? Ninjas are spposed to be IMBA!

Slardar: An emo ugly lizard. He has this skill that's similar to a super saiyan rage, except it comes out as water, that will mesmerize people and stopping them for about 2 seconds or so. Then they realised it's not that impressive. When Slardar sees someone he's not happy with, he'll make you have that EMO sign on top of your head, like fire. At this state, you become more emo than him and takes a helluva damage. So when you fight him, he'll pwn your ass. Anyway, he also can run super fast when he's in a super emo state, which makes him more vulnerable, but runs like a mad emo lizard should run.

Earthshaker: Someone with Mad Cow disease. He was a human, but Mad Cow turned him cow-ish looking, and giving him the extreme urge to slam the ground. Eat less cow, people.

Spiritbreaker: The most holy warrior and the defender of India. Due to the large circulating racism issues against India, he'll charge like mad at anyone to defend the name of India and get rape when he's alone.

Razor: Some people think he electrifies. He is in fact, electrocuted. He doesn't channel electricity, he's only sharing his pain to you. You'll realise how much it'd hurt if he touches you or you touch him. At random occasions, the electrocution rate intensifies causing smoke to come out from his ears.

Troll Warcheif: Good hero, like to throw forks at people he dislikes. The best strategy is obviusly: boots of threads, chicken, then buy as many wood branches, buy agahim staff to increase ultimate, dominating helmet, lothars edge, blink dagger. Only n00BS dont get these imba items. Also get Head bashers.

Faceless Void: Purple proboscis monkey. He's got this leaping ability of a monkey, and likes to bash people's heads.

Silencer: He keeps pulling huge glaves from some unknown location and throws them at people who bother him or try to ruin his solo. This guy yells STFU during battle; oddly, everyone feels compelled to obey.

Mercurial: This ambiguously gendered spectre is continually punished by some unknown force, becoming weaker as time passses and patches release. No longer considered the Avatar of Vengeance, Merc has taken up work as a ninja (see spectre, above).

Tinker: A little nerd who became green due to his scientific experiments. Because all the other kids had laughed at him at school and bullied him, he decided to go to the gym and work so hard that now he is able to carry a garage on his back. He also has some hand-made explosives that he used to use against those who bullied him, that now serve him to blow the nuts of the opponent team. Due to his long-range missiles which follow 2 targets directly, The tinker is also known as "0MGF N00B KILL STEALER".

Alchemist: Another nerd that befriended a monster and has since lost his walking ability. He likes chemistry a lot because he claims that it gives him more money. One important point to note is that his monster grows blue blades when he inject a chemical into him.

Warlock: He is an oversized summoned-from-book monster that appeared suddenly in recent years. He can summon a big green thing that is stronger than him but has no brains. He needs braces for his teeth though...

The Chicken: A small cute and lovable courier animal that seems innocent. The truth of the matter, is that this seemingly weak courier has the fact to be a deadly ninja assassin, capable of summoning demons and firing lasers out of his eyes.

Bounty Hunter: A hunter of booby, and another ninja. One day, his search for booby eventually brought him to the mother of all booby, The Bra. In his excitement, he broke his invisibility, and unfortunately for him, it was just as a drunk King Leeroy celebrating his 100th Reincarnation released a storm bolt. He now spends his days tossing shurikens and laughing at people who keep missclicking him because of his hideous face.

Phantom Lancer: Some smurf disguised as Khamari who is often seen doppelstalking Luna. He suffers from multiple personality disorder but due to his Genjutsu training he is able to release his anger to create illusions of his other personalities whilst sticking long poles up alien ass.

Stygwr: Or Bloodhound for you people. He is a half-dog, half-ugly being who likes the red stuff. Yeah, he wants to suck your blood. Feeling like a vampire he drinks people's blood with his ugly, masked face (reminds me of Kane). Using his Wolverine-like claws, he slashes people so they cant even move...the next time he Rapetures you, just stay put and smile.

Broodmother:A further mutation of spiderman. Instead of shooting webs he creates webs and makes him invisible so he can anally rape anyone who goes near his web. Whoever uses him rage quits if he is owned by Necrolyte's ultimate, because he is too noob to fight against Necrolyte.

Fountain: The most lazy hero in the game, always picked by both sides, it shoots piss out of its mouth everytime a n00b hero appears within range. Is immoble due to the large amount of piss it is carrying. Heals allies' mana and health with its piss.

Noob: Also known as YOU. The weakest hero in the game, not even worth calling a hero. He or She (depending on the user) has only 2 skills: Feed and Leave. Both are usually spammed in any game and this hero is ALWAYS used in every DotA game throughout the course of history.

N'aix: skeletal zombie. strong zombies don't die. they feed on u. unless the zombie realized that he's against blademail users or image heroes.


Mortred: Mortred sux. Low HP,low DMG and i cant find normal mortred replays,i always need to look them in other versions because she is teh sux,all her skills are lak teh sux becos just blink strak and vanish r good cos poison sux,lol 100 poison sux 50 poison is FUNNY poisen so then she has this skill its lak teh critical and i say it sux cos its just 4x and the % is lak sux lol so she sux (IceFrog nerf pls kthnxbai) so thn im playn with PA and lak PA is sux but then i got leviethen and spiritbreaker and i was transformed from noob to megafather and then im not so sux but then when i pick mortred i lose cos the other team hase this guy n this guy...sorry my bad english im russian and i cant speak well but yeah...tell me ima noob and that PA is not good and that Mortred is not suck,..

PS: Mortred is my favorite hero