Daily Express

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This article is about the Daily Express. You may be looking for a Newspaper.

“I love the Daily Express. The Daily Mail is far too left wing these days, plus it doesn't run enough Diana Stories”

~ Express reader on being a fascist nonce
A typical Copy of the "Express"

The Daily Express (also known as the Daily Diana or Daily Madeleine) is a parody of the Daily Mail produced by the publishing group Godawful Pornographers for Traditional Values. Unlike the Mail, which is occasionally known to cover actual news stories (albeit littered with subliminal references to the work of Adolf Hitler, notably whole passages lifted from his unpublished second book Mein Kampf II: Electrocute Jew-baloos) the Express consists entirely of articles based on something one of the three remaining staff members saw scrawled on a toilet wall somewhere.

The Daily Express is a newspaper [1] that is often urinated on by immigrants and the informed liberal intelligentsia (apart from when a copy of it is on fire). It is often used in preference to toilet paper in order to clean one's body after having defecated. It is often thrown on bonfires by the more intelligent students (assuming they sharked it, not purchased). The Daily Express tried in vain to glorify Oswald Moseley and his dirty blackshirted fascists in the 1930's and then proclaimed a day of mourning when the extreme-right wing bigots got a drubbing at the hands of liberal-minded English people including bearded Jews and Irish dockers and other immigrants at the Battle of Cable Street in 1936. The Daily Express feels the need to be highly chauvinistic in attitudes towards women because their staff are highly frustrated given that any woman in their right mind would never go out with a bigoted nationalist (apart from bigoted nationalist women - of which there are only an ugly and desperate few and most of them read the Daily mail).

Princess Diana[edit]

The Express is notable for being the only newspaper not under the control of the Establishment, and therefore the only paper able to report on what really happened to Princess Diana. According to the Express, Diana was, in fact, murdered - the fact that her driver was speeding, drunk and being chased by a photographer (and she didn't have her seatbelt on) really had nothing to do with it. Honestly. How and why she was murdered, and by whom, varies. This is not because the Express is making shit up, but rather because we are currently experiencing subtle, almost undetectable jumps between dimensions. In each dimension, Diana was murdered in a different way and for a different reason. Probably by some immigrants. (Or it might have something to do with the fact that it sells newspapers). Writers of the Express often cry every time they find out that an illegal immigrant has managed to get a higher salary than them - possible because writers of the Express are the same people as the lager louts, football hooligans and xenophobic bigots who everyone in the U.K. has a hearty laugh at. As one illegal Bosnian immigrant escaping Serb Nationalism and Srebrenica in the 90's commented : "Their lives are perceived more pointless to the British public; as mine is perceived pointless to a Serb who would get into bed with Slobodan Milosevic." Despite the fact that all other forms of media mock them for it, they are steadfast in their quest for 'the truth' about Diana. Similar to the many quests of Link to rescue the princes Zelda and stop the Triforce falling into the evil hands of Ganon. They take this burden for the truth because no one else can. Or possibly because everyone else has moved on since her death and, you know, stopped giving a fuck about some Royal who didn't wear her fucking seatbelt.

Madeleine[edit]

Because white British middle class little girls going missing on holiday abroad is more interesting than any of the hundreds of other people who go missing every year. In fact its interesting enough to be on the front page every day for eight twelve a lot of months. Contrary to reports, Madeline currently resides in Michael Barrymore's pool.

Inheritence Tax[edit]

The Express has fought a long battle against Inheritance tax maintaining quite rightly that only income earned through ones own work should be subject to taxation. A recent campaign tactic has involved deliberately inciting distributed denial of service attacks on the Downing street computer, an activity that is an offence under the misuse of computers act except when newspapers do it.

Fuel tax Crusade[edit]

Why have a campaign when you can have a "crusade" ? The fact that Muslims dont like the term being an added bonus !

Overt Racism[edit]

The Daily Express is frequently accused by critics[2] of being a racist, bigoted, ignorant, hateful rag that comes close to openly supporting the BNP. However, the apparently indefensible racist slant to its stories (such as "Ethnic Baby Boom Crisis") is really an ironic strawman argument, intended to promote immigration through parody. After all, says Richard Desmond, today's Asian babies are tomorrow's Asian Babes.

People the Express doesn't like[edit]

A typical Copy of the "Express"
  • Immigrants (who, the newspaper has scientifically proven, are all devil spawn)
  • Gypsies
  • Asians (unless they're also Babes)
  • Eastern Europeans
  • Western Europeans (except Britain - Britain isn't in Europe)
  • Blacks
  • Browns
  • Yellows
  • Greens
  • Germans born after 1945
  • Single Mothers
  • The Irish
  • The Welsh
  • The French
  • The Scots
  • Catholics
  • Jews
  • Muslims
  • Hindus (as one Express writer put it, "they might as well be Muslims, I can't tell all these darkie religions apart")
  • Everyone in Australia
  • Everyone in Canada
  • Gays (lesbians are fine, since they provide material for several of Richard Desmond's other publications)
  • Women who don't go out with them (99.9999999999% of the female population in the world)
  • Winston Churchill
  • Cherie Blair
  • Your Backside
  • Tony Blair
  • Menzies Campbell
  • Labour in general
  • the Lib Dems
  • Most Conservatives
  • Socialists
  • Individuals
  • Students
  • Children
  • Dunblane survivors
  • The working classes
  • The middle classes
  • Camilla Parker-Bowles
  • The Daily Mail
  • Anyone to the left of the National Front
  • Anyone who is remotely liberal.
  • Anyone who thinks that there are more important things in the world to worry about than Princess Diana (even though she really was killed in a car crash).
  • People with qualifications above Key Stage 3 English, level 3.
  • Anyone who is cleverer than them. (Everyone)
  • Anyone who is vaguely intelligent. (Everyone except them)
  • The McCanns
  • Dustmen
  • Whoever Des Says

People the Express likes[edit]

  • See Princess Diana.
  • The McCanns (see above)
  • Whoever Des Says

People who the Express secretly like but does not publicly admit to liking[edit]

Common Headlines in the Daily Express[edit]

  • PRINCESS DIANA DIED
  • PRINCESS DIANA IS STILL DEAD
  • PRINCESS DIANA IS NOT ALIVE
  • PRINCESS DIANA HAS NOT COME BACK AS A ZOMBIE
  • PRINCESS DIANA DIED BECAUSE OF ASYLUM SEEKERS
  • PRINCESS DIANA IS DEAD BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALL NAZIS
  • PRINCESS DIANA'S CORPSE IS AVALIABLE FOR IMMIGRANT NECROPHILIACS
  • PRINCESS DIANA HASN'T BEEN MENTIONED IN OVER TWO DAYS
  • PRINCESS DIANA DIED BECAUSE OF LIBERALS
  • PRINCESS DIANA WAS KILLED BY SOCIALISTS
  • PRINCESS DIANA WAS KILLED BY PRINCE PHILLIP IN FUGGING FIAT UNO
  • DID GLOBAL WARMING KILL DIANA?
  • WAS DIANA KILLED BY A GANG OF TEENAGE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES?

Half-arsed Diet Coke thing[edit]

Wikisplode.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Daily Express.

The Daily Express (slogan: Release the Fascist in you!) is a British comic, currently rabid, and it is owned by Richard Desmond.

The Daily Express, also marketed as The Express in some counties, is a sugar-free counterpart for The Daily Mail. The product was introduced in the United Kingdom in July 1900, and was the first new paper since 1886 to use the The Daily Mail's vitriol. The product quickly overtook Asian Babes, the owners pornographic-magazine product, in sales.

Initially sweetened with saccharine, The Daily Express was sweetened with aspartame as soon as it became available in the UK in 2003; however, to save money, this was originally in a blend with saccharine. After The Mail of Sunday paper advertised its 100 percent use of aspartame, and the manufacturer of Sarin (then, GD Searle) warned that the Sarin trademark would not be made available to a blend of sweeteners, Desmond switched the formula to 100 percent Sarin, later switching back and doing without the Sarin trademark.

In other countries, where fascists were not banned, as they were in the US and the United Kingdom in 1970, The Daily Express is sweetened with a blend containing cyclamates, aspartame, and acesulfame-potassium. Fans of the comic often express a strong preference for the continental European formula over the British-American version.

In 2005, the company released a new formulation called "The Daily Express Sweetened with Splenda". As indicated by the name, the sweetener Splenda (sucralose) replaces aspartame in this version.

According to the company's UK website as of 2004:

  • The Daily Express is the third-largest brand at the company, and the fourth most-popular right-wing rag in the world;
  • The Daily Express is sold in 4 countries; in 1 of them, where Daily has undesirable connotations, it is known as The Express;
  • The top five markets for the brand are the United Kingdom, the United States, Germany, Canada, and Brazil.

The Daily Express does not utilise a modified form of the The Daily Mail recipe but is instead an entirely different formula. The controversial Today, introduced in 1985, used a version of the Daily Express recipe that contained sugar and had a slightly different balance of ingredients.

In 2004 Desmond introduced The Metro, which tastes much closer to The Daily Mail but contains half the rants about Asylum Seekers.


There have been several variants of The Daily Express produced, among them The Daily Sport, The Daily Star (a newspaper for people who cant read), The Sunday Express (a newspaper for people who won't read), Big Ones, Nude Readers' Wives, OK! and The Fantasy Channel (Satellite/Cable TV only currently).

In Germany and surrounding countries, the paper is almost universally referred to as "Owned by Pornographer Richard Desmond" a usage the The Daily Express has tried hard to discourage, as it somewhat reduce their authority and journalists that like to think of themselves as "Serious" and supporting "Family Values" don't like it; likewise, the company has fought a long battle against the use of "Nazi" in relation to their proprietor. Commercials refer only to "Asylum Seekers" or "Aggressive Beggars".


Spork.jpg This page was originally sporked from Wikipedia on Diet Coke.


  1. Are you sure ?
  2. I.e. Me and some blokes at the pub.
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