Damon Albarn

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Damon Albarn.

“Fookin' wanker.”

~ Noel Gallagher on Damon Albarn

“Secretive little bugger, isn't he? What? I never called him a poof! Look, he's just trying to be an artist, that's all. Besides, how many Song 2s is he going to get in one lifetime? How many more Gorillaz hits? NONE. WON'T HAPPEN. Is HE in my image? Well, yeah sure.”

~ God on Damon Albarn

“He's a tosser. The world is shite. Everyone knows I am the bollocks.”

~ Liam Gallagher on Damon Albarn

“"Progressive" and "Experimental", his fans call him. Psh. I know for a fact that if you take the "experi" off that last one you'll get the idea.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Damon Albarn

“"Yes, Song 2 was a fabulous record. But look over here! Look at all this other stuff! Look at all the great music I've made! See? See?...oh, all right. You can go back to trying to imitate my "woo-hoo!". *sigh*"”

~ Damon Albarn on His career

Damon Albarn (baptised Damien All-Bran), born in 1968 to a happy cockney family in Northern London, and is a British musician as well as the cheeky cockney guitarist of the infamous Britpop (the greatest genre of music ever known) band Bleugh. He's known for finding new ways of simplifying playing the guitar, such as the Pendle picker, allowing himself to pick two different power chords at once.

One of his main hobbies is musical archeology, and he uses any ancient hit song or melody or long forgotten genre to spice up the music used in his spectacular (well, not really) pantomime gigs with the Monkees.

Albarn is currently on holidays in Ghana on a voodoo healing course, as he happily hopes this will help him restore and find his former voice. He's also talked candidly of his heroin habit and multiple orgy scam which destroyed a nation of randy teenaged girls' hearts. When he returns from Ghana, he is to be brought to court for crimes against humanity. It is said that a certain Graham Coxon was assaulted violently on a number of occasions because any time he played a guitar, it didn't sound right.

Real fans know Song 2 sucks compared to everything else- and only retards immediately think of that as a Blur song.


Albarn's obsession with pigs spilled over into Blur's music.

On a summer holiday in spring 1989 Damon Albarn accidentally dropped by a audition for the feel good band originally named Blur, and joined immediately after a short audition, as he was the only guitarist to show up. He had a crispy voice, and managed to continue playing the guitar using his pendle picked. His incredibly easy guitar work was one of the things that made their tunes catchy, as (the kazoo player) Graham Coxon's kazooing worked more as some sort of solo instrument than a backing one. He was a key player in their hit album BLur, BLur. Due to an enormous need of letting out energy, Coxon soon switched to guitar. Blur's success did last a bit, after "Parklife" their self titled album "blur" shoot them to mainstream on mtv and the top 40, with their big hit "song 2". Though most fans stopped listening after this, they would find that their albums following, despite the exit of coxon, had showed a softer side of blur. see song "tender". After the ultimate dissolve of blur, Damon explored other music options "gorriazlas" "the good, bad, ugly queen" more to follow 4 sure. But in 2009 coxon rejoined for one last time, then Damon went back to his monkeys.

The Monkees project[edit]

Lately, despising the world of live playing as it's much harder hitting the guitar strings on stage, he got up to the fantastic idea of reviving the band called the Monkees, with himself as the lead singer. The Monkees were a dixieland band from the 1970s unknown for their debut album being mistaken as the Beatles' lost follow up to "Revolver". He's always wanted to be the lead singer in a band without people complaining about his voice, he once stated in a interview with The Sun , something he struggled with in Bleugh due to a voice injury caused by detergents. The Beatlesque beboppy music of the Monkees fits his style of pretending perfectly when remixed a little, and this provides a queer and quirky show altogether. Recently he's been doing a couple of playback gigs in Scottland, totally alone, yet still to great critics, as written by the Enemy: "Albarn's the only one who can make one man sound like a full band!"


Jesus alleged in the summer of 2008 that Albarn had created the Earth, and that God was "just his patsy". Albarn later rubbished the claims, claiming that Graham Coxon, Alex James and the drummer were far more responsible, also sensationally claiming that he had only made Norway. Albarn will be sentenced 29/10/2008. He faces up to a £455 fine.


Albarn has been accused on numerous occasion of throwing apples at cows. On 2nd of May 2000, he was discovered with an apple tree attached to his left eye, after further investigation, police found an apple tree attached to his left eye and a picture of numerous cows giving birth. In a press conference Albarn defended himself stating "What the god damn hell is wrong with a little apple throwing, thinking about it, i know for a fact the cows enjoy that shit. I mean who wouldn't, i throw apples at babies at the park from behind bushes as well, what the hell where am I?"


Some might say that actually Damon is a clone from Attila The Hun, who was former bus driver and-strangely enough-Noel Gallagher's mother. But after a blood test he claimed to be the son of Gary Glitter.


Dammin during the Blur years (second to middle)
  • Blur - A variety of indistinguishable sounds and rhythms (1989)
  • Coffee and Pot On The CV - Damon sings about drinking coffee and Smoking Pot while being unknowingly watched by the CV
  • Darklife - Damon sings about his (not so) dark life
  • Bleugh - Pleasure (1991)
  • Bleugh - Side-Parting Life (1994)
  • Bleugh - (double disc) Two-o-logy moments of evil engrossment (1995)
  • Bleugh - A tambourine-lacking piece of shit (2---)

For discography information on the The Monkees, see its respectable site.

  • It is said that Albarn himself are working with some other musicians, among these the cartoon character Gnarls Barkly, but every time it's been brought up in the papers, Albarn has declined such a collaboration, saying racist stuff like "Cartoon characters are not reliable enough, not even if they are technicoloured."
  • It has been hard to track down Bleugh's real albums because of incarnations such as Pulp and the Kaiser Chiefs, but there are at least two where Albarn's guitar work is distinguishable and the kazoo richly used.

See also[edit]