“A fine soldier”
“People like you Dani, don't commit crimes.”
“Dani Filth is the fucking man”
Singer for the biggest black metal band of all time Cradle of Filth, also notable for his absurdly terrible vocals, reminiscent of a small bird being sodomized by Lexington Steele cheesy goth tomfoolery and ridiculous pseudo-Satanic teenie bopper imagery. Here is the life... no... hee is the unlife of Danielle... I mean... "Dani FILTH" of that shitty ass band Cradle of Fags:
Daniel was first born during the Middle Ages to Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Romania when she fell in love with that guy from Twilight; that glitter bitch of a vampire named... Who really cares at this point? They engaged in sex under witness of a full moon whilst summoning Cthulhu and thus, created the little shit. From that unholy day forward Dani was coined “The foetus of a shit day screaming” and grew up to terrorise eastern Europe, Vlad the Impaler being his idol. Vlad, however, thought of Dani as a twisted little fuck. Sadly, Dani’s life in Transylvania-shagging corpses and befouling little girls- came to an end when he could no longer bear the sodomy of day to day activities and took his own life. A tragic day that everyone celebrates as a national holiday in Europe.
However, Aleister Crowley thought it most appropriate to send Dani back as an unforgivable, dire, most appalling human being who would return to Earth to again make victims out of the musically incapable (the band). It was decided that Dani’s true D.O.B would be in the modern day rather than in the past because to be honest, who knows about that?
He currently resides in the caverns beneath Ipswich where has spent the last century writing the inconceivable novel, The Gospel of Filth, in which Dani strives to explain the numerous dark deeds he has committed. Some of which include;
- Exiled from England
- Black Farts
- Eating Carpet
- Making out with Bam Margera of Viva La Bam Lack of Fame
- Bedtime Gothic Romances from my Mother’s Womb
- Appendix of Sacrifice
- Sitting in Rat Shit
- Writing Castration For Gothummies
Though Daniel is well known for polluting the world with heavy metal music via his aristocratic band, Cradle of Filth, he has been the figure head of many previous bands. Special features from the list include; Anal Fruitcake, Lemon Party Kids, STI and A Feast of Excrement. As a result his musical diversity is as small as German’s gene pool despite the range of extreme ideals he portrays in many of his interviews, thus prompting much criticism of his ‘work’. Despite the 99.9% public set back however, Cradle of Filth are considered one of the most dirty bands to ever exist. Great.
To 'please' those obsessed with the macabre and morbid, Dani utilizes the ultimate in dark and erotic fashion. Thought to be stolen from a bondage shop in Mordor, some claim that it is in fact Orc armour, as seen pictured here commanding youths to cut up some innocent peasant, quoting; "What a crap way to spend an Easter weekend".
Cradle of Fear
Also known as; ‘zero budget film’ and ‘his cot at night’, this was a parody of Dani’s average day away from the band. It follows the story, apparently, of the man in question after having taken opium before indulging in some Rave. He then decides that several people are better off serving him dead, whilst indulging in various pastimes such as eating cat guts, eating razors, and performing amputation. I’d write more, but that’s it.