Dario Argento

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Touch me, feel me. Love, Dario

Dario Argento is an Italian director whose famous bodies of work feature him filming his daughter, Asia Argento, in various states of undress. He came under critical fire when he produced The Phantom of Suspiria which featured his daughter being sexually molested in at least eight separate scenes by actors wearing masks that made them look unmistakably like the director and father himself, Dario Argento. Comparisons to Woody Allen and Woody Harrelson were not far off.

He later embarked on a cinematic trilogy called called The Three Fathers which once again featured Asia Argento in the lead role. The films are titled Creepers Up My Daughters Short Skirt, Deep Pink, and the infamous Inferno in My Pants as I Look at My Daughter. Critics have noted it appears that Dario Argento is in fact making the same movie over and over again when he should be moving on to other projects.

Latest Work[edit]

Recently, Argento came under critical and personal attack for his attempts at producing Dario Argento's Famous Italian Ices, a frozen confection line that featured flavors such as Suspiria Strawberry, Tenebrae Toffy, Phantom of the Opera-berry and the banned Asia's Ass. The product was pulled from supermarket shelves in Italy when it was discovered that the ices contained shards of glass, barbed wire, razor blades and genital hair, although reports have indicated that the product is very popular on Ebay and sells for upwards of $1,000,000. "I dunna know why the people no lika my ices," Argento was quoted in Tini Peni, an Italian publication dedicated to testicular fetishes.

Cquote1.png I make-a dem so tasty and the people just go 'Ptui-ptui' and spitta uppa blood. Cquote2.png

Argento confirmed that he worked very carefully to ensure that the flavors were accurate and reflected the mood and morbidity of his films.


Swallow da Italian ice, it'sa good for you!
  • Dario Argento once killed a man for touching "his little bambina" Asia on the shoulder during the filming of the Italian slasherpiece The Bird With the Crystal Beak. Rumor has it the man was merely asking the young Asia for directions to the bathroom.
  • Dario Argento once ate a man. He went back for seconds.
  • Dario Argento once was a man, until a freak nuclear accident imbued him with altered DNA making it possible for him to be half-human, half-gargoyle. He spends his free time solving murder mysteries and reading John Cheever's novels.
  • As a member of the Illuminati, Argento has his movies financed by ill gotten gain harvested from the sunken city of Atlantis.

External Links[edit]

Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie | Nicholas Webster | Roger Corman

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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