Dark-Side Mormons
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The Dark-Side Mormons are those Mormons who, rather than simply embracing love and faith in being too awesome, lash out with their anger, fear, and sadness Emo. With a few notable exceptions, Dark-Side Mormons operate in a clandestine manner, steadfastly hiding their identities from potential interlopers. They have also been associated with being in league with the infamous mormon pride group.
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[edit] Amanda Major Principles
The first recorded appearance of the Dark-Side Mormons was at the Mountain Meadows Massacre, in which Mormons dressed as Indians attacked the Francer-Young Party in Utah. It is generally agreed that this incident is representative of Mormons in general, just as the Crusades proves that all Christians are warmongering sadists and televangelists prove that Born-Again Christians are gullible morons. This attack laid the groundwork for the DSM philosophy, which was later codified into the following four principles:
- Lash out with rage
- Alliterate excessively
- Kill the infidels
- Smack the 'tards
Later four more "unofficial" principles were added, although their orthodoxy is questioned:
- Use Microsoft Windows
- Use Intel On Microsoft Windows
- Play the banjo all night long
- Troll professional wrestling newsgroups on Usenet
[edit] Views from the Mainstream
The Sect of DSM is considered a rogue group by most mainstream Mormons, who usually refer to the following quote by the Mormon Master Joseph Smith: "Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering." Members of the DSM leadership hold that Smith was "...extremely drunk when he said that," and that he was a "huge proponent of fear, anger, hate, and suffering -- especially if it involved babies or cute kittens."
[edit] Influential Dark-Side Mormons
Despite the religion's fringe status, several of its members have broad influence:
[edit] Famous Quotations
“ We will fuck him. Do you hear me? We will fuck him. We will ruin him. Like no one has ever fucked him!”
—Karl Rove on Joe Infidel (speaking metaphorically at a Mormon Power rally)
“Dark-Side Mormonism is no different from normal Mormonism; both are religions, both are Christian, and both involve Native Americans. Any disparities are thusly irrelevant”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dark-Side Mormonism
“ Is the caller there?
—Geraldo Rivera on FOX News (speaking metaphorically at another Republican-bashing news talk show)
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