Evil Jesus

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“And I said unto him, "Go forth and eat your own genitals to prove your undying love for the Lord!" He then left and I sat down to watch reruns of Golden Girls, forgotting all about him. I wonder if he did it?”

~ Evil Jesus on Michael Jackson

“Great Scott!”

~ Dr. Emmett Brown on Evil Jesus

“Evil Jesus is Evil.”

~ Captain Obvious on Evil Jesus

This is one Jesus you don't want to mess with. Fuck!

Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Evil Jesus. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.

Evil Jesus is cunt to all evil people and is more commonly known as Pope Benedict. He's the kind of Messiah who'll start a brawl, then stand back to enjoy the show. Contrary to popular belief, he is not the Patron of hookers, pot smokers, atheists, and other undesirables. Although not related to Satan, he is extremely evil. At one point, he teamed up with Satan to create all 50 U.S. States. Evil Jesus did most of the work, creating 49 of the 50 states. Indiana was the only state created by Satan, and it is considered to be his masterpiece. He frequents Dunkin' Donuts coffee shops, hash bars, gay biker bars, and many of the Trump properties.

Evil Jesus hates babies. He also has minions of kittens with spikes on them, and will burn your toast so that no amount of scraping will remove the blackness. When Herod wanted to kill all those innocent babies the father of Jesus just stood back and let him do it. He hates Christians, black people, and asians. Although, Michael Jackson and Hirohito are some of his best friends. Sometimes he kills people for fun, but only people with the initials SB- because he doesn't like people that have the same initials as nike shoes. He once decided that mormons and Spencer Bane were evil, so he decided to castrate all Mormons, and implant their balls in Spencer Bane. Spencer Bane has since had 144 children with over 124 women. This basically means that Spencer is a pimp.

If you see Evil Jesus, do not approach him as he is considered to be armed and dangerous. He is pretty much responsible for all supernatural events, so stay away from Ouija boards, psychic mediums, Teletubbies, and other sources of ectoplasm. Many Mormons and accountants confuse Evil Jesus with the Anti-Christ because of His association with the Internal Revenue Service, but five years of Congressional hearings have determined that taxes are not actually evil.

Although the Vatican has distanced itself from Evil Jesus, an anonymous pedophile clergy-person has confided to the author that His praises are sung at St. Grammaphone the Disgusting Church in Boston every first Thursday of the month. Most Protestant demominations regard Evil Jesus to be the sitting Pope. Non-Christian religions generally regard Him as non-existent, or annoying at worst. The Church of Satan has disavowed any knowledge of His whereabouts.

[edit] Childhood

If you see this poorly-rendered image on your computer, for Christ's sake, call The Justice League of Jesus!!

Evil Jesus was born on July 1th of 666 BC. His father, Evil Joseph, drank himself to death for unknown reasons. . Upon reaching adolescence, Jesus started to practice his fathers noble profession: Drinking. Evil jesus also became a drug addict after he was forcefully circumsized by gay jesus who said that evil jesus had to big of a cock and needed it to be slimed down a bit.This accounts for the period of Evil Jesus' life known as "The Missing Years."

Also He may be the son of David hasselhoff and corey taylor of slipknot, this is only speculation however and has never been confirmed

[edit] Adulthood

When Evil Jesus turned 22 in 433bc he was officially an adult. First thing he did was getting a donkey driving license, failing the test five times. That same year he bought a newborn Donkey from Bethlehem. For many years he just drank and rode his donkey, looting the odd family house-hold. Finally, in 428 BC, he decided to get a real job. He went to the social office and found out that Microsoft was in need of a Messiah, so he started to teach people about the mighty god that is Bill Gates. He also thought that Linux was created by Satan and was very unreliable. He gathered a small army to support him and soon they made miracles like "resurrecting a PC". Here is direct comversation from Grammata about it:

Evil Jesus:"What is wrong my dear customer?"

Dear customer:"M-my PC is broken! It doesn't show anything than a blue screen!!11"

Evil Jesus:"My dear customer, I will forgive your sins this time and resurrect him."

Dear customer:"H-How can I ever thank you?++"

Evil Jesus:"You don't need to do anything special... ...just buy Windows Vista!"

Dear customer:"I will! Thank you my lord!11"

Evil Jesus huffed a cat for Hitler to dance and play with

And so, Evil Jesus led many people to buy Windows. Luckily some Roman nerds still fought back. They plotted to kill him, and one night they broke into his house and stole his computer mouse. The Romans were sure that he couldn't use his computer without it. The following morning, against all odds, Evil Jesus was able to use his computer without the mouse (This was one of his most famous miracles). The next night the rebels kidnapped Jesus himself, and when Evil Jesus woke up he found his hands and legs were tied to cross.

Romans:"If we can't prevent you, you must die!"

Evil Jesus:"Father Bill will take my soul if I die!"

The Romans killed Evil Jesus and he was cordinally welcomed into Hell.

[edit] Musical Taste

Contrary to popular belief, Jesus despises the Polyphonic Spree. Although he was a huge fan of Tripping Daisy, he found that Tim DeLaughter's recruiting a 300-piece choir indicated some sort of messiah complex. Also, their album covers reminded him of his mother's gaping vagina. See Controversy for more information. He is also rather fond of any hardcore metal music and can often be spotted at concerts of this genre.

[edit] The True History Of Evil Jesus

Evil Jesus has always been there - whether it's to steal your soul or to eat those table scraps when you least expect it. Long ago, people feared an immortal monster called "The Monsterous Jesus Of Evil Heaven." He lived in his cave waiting for little enfants to creap up and he could snatch their bodies and rip out their heart and eat it to gain their courage. Just watch for EJ. HE WILL ENGULF US ALL INTO EVIL HEAVEN!!!

[edit] Signs That Evil Jesus May Be Approaching

Most people fall prey to the kinky, dark clutches of Evil Jesus simply because they were unaware of his presence. The following guide describes common situations in which you can determine if Evil Jesus is nearing and the direction from which he is doing so (keep in mind that EJ runs on a four-axis plane quite similar to that of Frogger)(keep in mind that this means that he can only approach from four directions).

1. If Chuck Norris runs past you half naked shouting, "THE END IS NIGH FOR EJ", Evil Jesus will be approaching from the South.
2. If Mr. T runs past completely naked yelling, "I PITY THE FOO THAT GETS TO EJ FIRST", then EJ will approach from the North.
3. If a purple, three-legged Gorilla runs past you being chased by a nearly endless army of emo kids, Evil Jesus will be approaching from the East.
4. If Michael Jordan leaps from a tree and begins to violently punch you in the neck, EJ will be approaching from the West.
5. If a UFO hovers over your head, you have been saved by the galactic federation but EJ is still approaching in the mother ship above the initial UFO.
6. If Rouge the Bat is poking you with a Stick, EJ will be approaching below your feet from the pits of hell.

He likes to have a lot of sex... with your mom.

[edit] Ways To Ward Off Evil Jesus

Evil Jesus at His best.

Now that you know how to spot the directions in which Evil Jesus will be approaching from, the next step is to learn how to get him away from you.

1. It's common knowledge that a sack full of kittens (425) covered in napalm is the quickest way to ward off EJ. Unfortunately, everyone except for LSD addicts lack the speed to capture enough kittens before EJ approachs.
2. When you can't catch enough kittens before the approach of EJ, those little plastic things at the ends of your shoelaces can cause EJ to melt if two of them hit EJ in both of his eyes. Unfortunately, everyone except for Kobe Bryant lack the hand-eye coordination and dexterity needed to throw a .0005oz piece of plastic five feet, the minimum amount of range needed between you and EJ to make him melt.
3. When the first two fail, leopards, prostitutes, and your balls can make wonderful distractions so that you can effectively escape the clutches of EJ and live free for one more day.
4. Luckily For us Evil Jesus Does have one weakness, which is all things good in the world, but unluckly for us this will ony help if prepared for 72-75 minutes in the oven cooked at gas mark 5, and then launched at his left teste at 286,987 MPH. (However Evil Jesus Doesnt have Testes, He has Balls of Steel.)
5. Unfortunat- no actually, BYE BITCH, you will never escape the clutches of EJ, and you will never live free for one day, and you will never capture a whole sack(478) of kittens, and you will never be able to throw a shoelace at EJ from five feet. You will DIE.

I hope that the above guides help keep you from giving your virgins to Evil Jesus. Remember, Chuck Norris and Mr. Rogers need those virgins more than EJ does!