Dark energy

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Dark energy is a mysterious force that is accelerating the expansion of the Universe. It has now been confirmed that contrary to previous beliefs, the Milky Way Galaxy is at the exact center of the universe, and all other galaxies, being naturally colored white, are driven away from the Earth due to racism. This explains why the most redneck-shifted galaxies are the most distant. This was discovered in 2008 by negro astronomer Alan Guth, who was so offended by the implications of this discovery that he jumped out of his chair and broke a light bulb attached to the ceiling. The room was instantly plunged into darkness, giving him the idea to call this new force 'dark energy'.

Galactic fear of the Earth's black people is now projected to tear the universe apart. While photons, electrons and protons are common on Earth, 57.7% of the Universe is actually made up of morons. These particles possess tremendous inertia and entropy, but are unaffected by gravity or common sense. Thus they provide Dark Energy with it's power. Sudden historical increases in the power of Dark energy seem to coincide with advances in the civil rights movement - beginning with the abolition of slavery. It is suspected that this is due to God switching gears, in which case we are now on gear 5. The switch to gear 6 is expected to occur on November 21, 2008, to coincide with the election of Barack Obama, as foretold in the Myan calendar.

Big Rip[edit]

Right now it is unclear how many gears there are in the cosmic dark energy transmission, but, if the number is infinite and they change faster than by an inverse logarithmic curve, there is an excellent chance that the Universe will end in what cosmologists call a 'big rip'. The observation horizon (in other words, the most distant place where light can still reach the Earth from) will come closer and closer, finally reaching subatomic scales, at which point physics as we know them will cease to operate. The timeline for the end of the Universe under this model is something like this:

  • 60000000 years before the end: Galaxies are destroyed, as stars suspect each other of sympathizing with Black Holes.
  • 96 days before the end: Star systems fly apart and mount class action lawsuits against each other.
  • 12 minutes before the end: Planets explode from police brutality.
  • 0.003 seconds before the end: Underwear rips (hence the term 'Big Rip'). Watermelons can no longer exist.
  • 0.002 seconds before the end: People splatter artistically into pools of blood, making race difficult to identify.
  • 5.5*10-13 seconds before the end: Molecules break apart.

It is possible that the universe contains not infinitely many, but only six gears. If this is the case, then the effects described above will happen just in time to prevent Barack Obama from taking office. So maybe there is actually nothing to worry about.


Numerous religious fundamentalists and intelligent design advocates have criticized the discovery of dark energy as a scientific mistake, or, worse, a hoax. Here are some of the more common points made against dark energy:

  • Civil rights organizations: ...have not commented, because any time they try to the universe accelerates past the speed of sound, preventing anyone from hearing them.
  • Diet argument: The Universe can't be expanding, because people are still able to slim down by dieting.
  • Stellar argument: Stars produce so much light that they light up the Universe, preventing anything dark like dark energy from existing.
  • Intelligent design argument: It has been proved that the Universe has an intelligent designer because of the existence of woodpeckers, bombardier beetles and gaps in the fossil record. Such an intelligent designer would not have created a universe that would just end up falling apart.
  • Theocosmological argument: It has been proved that God loves us because he has created an entire universe just for us to live in. Such a god would not have created a universe that would just end up falling apart and killing everyone inside it.
  • Emotional argument: It just can't be that way!
  • New age argument: Dark energy is not homogenous throughout the Universe. Experiments conducted by expert psychics and yogi have shown that dark energy exists only in people who Hate. these people must be Saved from Hate by the geobioneuromagnetic Healing Energy of Love and Peace, and of Yoga.