Darth Television
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[edit] Early Life
Throughout most of his life Darth Television spent most of his free time eating bugs and watching parodies of Natalie Portman . As a kid he never really fit in with "normal" kids as teachers complained to his parents about his constant attacks on kids using various blunt objects. He was kicked out of school by the time he reached high school for pulling a girl's hair with a motor vehicle. With no finished formal education Darth TV decided to earn money by selling pineapples this business move turned out to be wise as in three months he was already on of the top richest people in the universe. He said "Hey people like pineapples, tell me one person who deosn't." However being so rich became boring and Darth TV decided he would go into politics .
[edit] Politics
Darth TV wasn't very charismatic mainly because he was a psycho who would come to press meetings with blood on his suit. He'd always reply to this by saying "I fell." Nobody is quite sure how many people Darth TV killed before meeting the press but experts estimate almost as many as Dick Cheney but fewer than Paul Wolfowitz .
Darth TV modeled his political stance after such famous rulers as Oprah and Darth Vader whom he was named after. They're dark teaching had consumed Darth TV's thinking so much he actually enjoyed Star Wars Epsiode I: The Phantom Menace this is when he insanity really began to show.
After appearing on Hardballs with Chris Matthews and arguing that North Dakota or in his words "America's most useless state" should be destryoed the Republican party picked up the currently independent politician. To ensure he could actually hold office they gave him the popular PC game Civilization and had him run hog wild with cheat codes. Darth TV surprised the Republican Party by having the most powerful society ruled with an iron fist in less than two hours.
Impressed with his work in simulation Darth TV was chosen to run against actor Will Smith for President of Television it was an open election in which the voter would have high expectations for their new canidate after the highly popular John Paul II had just finished his term.
[edit] Election of 2004
The year 2004 would already be a year filled with phrases such as "What the heck just happened?!" And "Bet you'll vote next time Hippie!" But the biggest shocker would be this election for President of Television. Needless to say Darth TV had an advantage due to his psychic abilities and cool Darth Vader rip-off suit. During televised debates Will Smith showed his strong side as he looked cool and collective answering the tough questions like "Do you think Family Guy is a funny show?" However Darth TV seemed crazed and unstable as he answered all questions with "I fell." and or "That was a good movie." After the first two televised debates Will Smith was projected to win 70% of the votes. The 30% that planned to vote for Darth TV were only Neo-Conservatives .
Darth TV dominated in the survival tasks like building large puzzles, running across bamboo lines and swimming two miles to find his next clue, which turned out to be a fast forward and Darth TV was able to skip all the way to the end of the elections if he chose. Darth TV in his foresight thought it best to save that prize for a time he really needed it. After this unrivaled success voters changed 55% for Will Smith 44% for Darth Vader 1% Admitted they would be high that night and wouldn't vote.
Katie Couric decided to interview Darth TV in a controversial segement of the Evening News called "Yeah I'm biased, do something about it!" Darth TV was interviewed in which he talked about his plan to try and destroy North Dakota and cancel Gilmore Girls "That show sucks!" screamed Darth TV. Many viewers agreed North Dakota was a boring state and Gilmore Girls was annoying as crap. Then the night of the election the unthinkable happened Darth TV came away with a landslide victory over Will Smith 85% voted for Darth TV 14% voted for Will Smith and the remaining 1% were high.
Darth TV was very happy as he appeared on three talk shows the next morning. He seemed pleased with himself as he danced around the set of The View taking hugs and kisses. One commentary reporter said this Holy Scriptures! I can't believe he won this guy is crazy! No really he's crazy, he doesn't belong in this society. I mean I've met crazy people but he has crossed the line! How does he even function? this is a dark day in television history. I compare it to the creation of the UPN network pre-wrestling.
[edit] See Also
