“He's a versatile musician...mmm...pie.”
David Eric "Home of the Whopper" Grohl (pronounced 'lĕh-'nérd 'skin-'nérd; born January 14, 1969) is an American narc, pastry chef, carpet, kitchen utensil, and God, often shunned by fans of Cobain's Crap Machine for pursuing a career in music after Seattle grunge boy Kurt Cobain decided to bite the bullet and retire. He is most famous for being the drummer in every band (including Metallica, which is why Napster hates Grohl as well). Currently, Grohl has his own brand of cereal and is the lead vocalist and guitarist for The Adams Family. He also plays the trombone and triangle for Weezer. It is said that he killed former bandmate Cobain in order to have a reason to start a band of his own, in which all would obey his iron fist. Grohl also holds a Guinness World Record for Most Bananas Balanced on Chin (469).
Legend also states that Grohl is The 2nd Coming of Jesus, since no other man could possibly have eaten enough fiber to do so. However, this wild claim was dismissed by Jesus H. Christ at the 1997 Grammy Awards Show when He (the Messiah who may or may not actually exist) collected his Grammy for "Best Adult Contemporary Kitchen Utensil Group, New Age Ska Supergroup or Christian Rock Album." When asked to comment on Grohl and his ("preachy") work with Foo Fighters, He replied, "You stick to drums and I'll stick to the electric spoons, Dave."
Grohl also speaks fluent Chinese and can quote any Bruce Lee movie on command. Dave can fly as well, has been known to lift cars with his face, and has written the theme songs to every single American TV show from the 1970s, including Sanford and Son and Eat It by Weird Al Yankovic.
Road to Greatness
In the beginning there was nothing, and then God created King Dave Grohl and The King Dave Grohl Bible. King Dave's career started in 1973, before most of you were born. Dave is known for a brief relationship with a Chuck Norris around this time.
After birthing The Mentors as his rehearsal band in Seattle, Grohl was the drummer for Cobain's Crap Machine. He also played with The Smurfs for a short time, before he later realized that they weren't a band and therefore had no need for a drummer (yet).
In the early 1990s, Grohl decided he needed to save his career and went on to form the Spice Girls. The Spice Girls quickly became the most popular band in the universe, winning Grohl and bandmates billions of dollars in album and t-shirt sales. Together, they traveled the universe, fought the Borg, and roundhouse-kicked everything with a pulse they came in contact with. With his newfound fame and riches, Dave Grohl went on to purchase 57% of Viacom, the biggest company in the world. According to a close friend of the band, Grohl was later fired for being a better hairflipper than Posh Spice.
Grohl retired from boxing and his short stint as an anti-freeze infomercial presenter before his days as a drummer. His body-building left him with amazing abillities like flight, super hearing and "freeze breath." Dave holds the record for most knock outs in a single punch. He also auditioned for The Chaotics, along with Chewbacca, David Hasselhoff, and Les Claypool.
In 2005, Grohl began screaming in the key of C Minor while standing in line at a Krispy Kreme. Grohl continued to scream the same note for a total of 178 days before sitting down and having a donut break.
In late 2009, Grohl assaulted a nine-foot-tall Sertich that said "Please go out like John Bonham did, and bring Bonham back from the dead, you douche." By January 2010, a Sertich was found dead with its body mangled inside a tree trunk. Grohl has yet to comment on the matter.
The Impact of Grohl
Musically, Grohl is well known for giving bands a hoist up the music ladder. Queens of the Stone Age, Tenacious D, Juliette Lewis and the Cocksuckers, Mozart, John Lennon, John Lemon, Har Mar Superstar, Elvis Presley, Oasis, The Beach Boys, Fat People, Islam, Rick Astley, and Doritos have all had Grohl's drums on their records at some point.
It should be noted that, as claimed by Oscar Wilde:
"Dave Grohl is everywhere, he's, like, even in our breakfast cereals man."
Wilde is right. Dave Grohl is everywhere: in your neighborhood, in your house, maybe even in your room. Ever felt that weird tingling sensation in your spine? That's Dave.... He has at least 17 roles in every music video. Roles that were once considered physically impossible for humans to play are child's play to Grohl (for example, Dave has been known to play skyscrapers, aeroplanes, grass, Bruce Lee, 19 of the midgets in The Wizard of Oz, Simon Cowell's eyelashes, and the sun). He even cuts off his fingers to turn into breakfast cereal (Grohlios).
Grohl came to more mainstream fame in 2003 when he entered the Guinness Book of World Records for Largest Nostrils, with both growing beyond 10 centimeters in diameter when stretched. This caused scientists to conclude Grohl of being the missing link between humans and gorillas, to which Grohl responded by stretching his nostrils even more. In 2008, Grohl was ranked #3 on the list of Animal Planet's 100 Greatest Animals.
Grohl has been scientifically proven to be 90% teeth, and few people have actually seen the rest of his face as a result. This is evident in many of his promotional videos, which show his teeth in a 1:1 ratio - and they still don't fit on the screen. His fine tusks have required him to employ round the clock security guards in an attempt to ward off ivory poachers.
The drumming exploits of Grohl have gone on to influence such drummers as Ringo Starr, John Bonham's son, and any drummer The Who hires, among legions of others. He has publicly lent his drumming support to numerous bands including Nirvana, Knaves of the Bronze Age, Iron Maid, Bonjo Vi, BB King, The Beatles, Stereoneck, U2, Metallica and obviously Cream while insisting fervently that previous drummers were "The best in the fucking world!" (said while eating Burger King burgers).
Grohl's Style of Playing
Grohl is known for being very soft when he plays the drums, which impressed Kurt Cobain. Cobain has stated that "when Dave plays drums, a beautiful and soft melody comes from them." Evidence of Grohl's man-crush of Cobain can be found in post-Grunge biographies. Through those eight months of living together in a small apartment, and being with Nirvana, Grohl developed feelings for him, but the drumming, and the drumming duties, usually got in the way of any man-crush feelings getting requited.
Comprehensive List of Things Dave Grohl is Unable to Do
Grohlism is the religion that believes in Dave Grohl as the almighty creator of everything. According to the "Grohly Book" or "The Grohlible" in the beginning there was just Dave. Dave was so bored that he wanted to hit something, then out of nothing he created a drum kit. During five thousand years he played drums with his hands until his finger nails were long enough to cut them and use them as drum sticks. He spent one quarter of eternity drumming because he had a whole lot of nothing else to do, but as he was alone, nobody could say anything about his drumming, so he started hitting his drums until the universe came out his ass, scientists call this event "The Big Bang".
Eventually it was discovered that Dave Grohl created the universe because he needed your momma to complain about him drumming the whole day. Your momma called the police but I mean, c'mon, who's gonna arrest THE DAVE GROHL?
During Dave's 2000 tour with Foo Fighters in Australia, Dave and roadie, Kevin Jonas drank dozens of Four Loko beverages after their famous show at the Taj Mahal. The high alcohol content had no effect on Grohl, who's metabolism is 9000x faster than the average man. Dave, frustrated at his inability to intoxicate himself, bought a local Toys R Us store and then purchased a Razor kick scooter from himself. Dave then proceeded to drink more Four Lokos (Renamed "Grohl Loco" shortly after) and rode his scooter up the side of Sea World. He was promptly arrested by The Deam Police for operating a kick scooter while intoxicated, but the charges were dropped soon after due to Nirvine Intervention.
The Phases of Dave Grohl
Phase 1: He has long and thin hair; it's sometimes referred as its 0% complete state. He was "born" like this (technically he wasn't born, he just popped out of nowhere...one day). While he was in Nirvana, he was in this state, and he still kicked ass but people didn't know it yet. He used to spend his time playing Super-Nintendo, harassing Axl Rose and smelling like Teen Spirit (from Kurt's girlfriend). His only powers back then were drumming like a son-of-a-bitch and kicking ass.
Phase 2: He entered this state when he found a Dragon Ball hidden inside Kurt Cobain's closet; it's sometimes refered as its 25% complete state. His hair started to grow and people started to notice he kicked ass. He cut his hair because it was way too long and everyone knows that "long hair - kickass beard = hippie" and Dave Grohl is no hippie. While in this state he learned to fly 747s and formed his own gang of anti-terrorists called Foo Fighters.
Phase 2.5: He entered this state when the hit show Grohl wrote, produced, and starred in, Friends, was released. He starred as Joey. This is referred to as his 26.5% state.
Phase 3: He entered this state when he found the mythical island of Atlantis. His hair became a bit longer and his beard started to grow a bit; still, it wasn't complete. It is referred as his 33% state. This states fame comes from him looking a lot alike the notorious motherfucker, Matthew Heerschap.
Phase 4: He entered this state when he discovered the best of you in a song he wrote (nobody knows who really "you" is, he was drunk when he said that). His kick-ass beard started to become kickass but was not yet complete. It's referred as his 50% complete state. His newfound powers were controlling time and space, and breaking glasses with his screams, he rescued some miners that were trapped somewhere, too.
Phase 5: He entered this state when he met Dagwood and he gave him advice on keeping a fully kick-ass beard. It's referred as his 75% complete state. His hair automatically grew when he entered this state because he kicked ass. While in this state, he found some jackass that pretended to be him, and killed the imposter because of his defiance. He found the long road to ruin, but preferred to take the short one instead. While in this state he found a new whole lot of kicking ass superpowers like destroying things and stuff.
Phase 6: ? (Dave Grohl has not yet achieved this state, refer to the Grohlible for more information. However, he may have reached this phase, as the "Grohlible" states, he will only acheive this state when "the white limo falls from the sky." There are reports of a white limo with the letters "FF" on the side, as the Grohlsiples have written. This maybe what the world may be wating for.)
Instruments Grohl Plays...Simultaneously
|These Are The Daves I Know I Know, These Are The Daves I Know|
|Some of them are Davids, but most of them are Daves|
|David Attenborough - David Beckham - David Blaine - David Bowie - David Byrne - David Cameron - Dave Chappelle - David Copperfield - David Duchovny - David Duke - Dave Gahan - Dave Gilmour - Dave Grohl - David Hasselhoff - David Hume - David Icke - David Letterman - Dave Lister - David Lloyd George - David Lynch - Dave Meltzer - Dave Murray - Dave Mustaine - David Tennant - Dave Thomas|
|They All Have Their Own Hands, But They Come From Different Moms|