Dave Meltzer

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Meltzer: The Man, The Myth, The Mullet[edit]

The Star of Dave

Herbert Conner Meltzerbaum O'Reilly, better known by his slave name "Dave Meltzer," is a San Jose resident who writes the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.

Dave Meltzer was born in Tel Aviv in 1967. He is the product of a drunken ship-wrecked Irishman's semen and the willing ovaries of a blind Israeli gal going for a Sunday stroll on the docks. As a young boy, Meltzer showed a penchant for writing and entrepreneurship launching The Bible Newsletter at the age of 9. He was later shunned by his small audience after suggesting that the Sanhedrin crucified Jesus "because they couldn't get laid."

At the age of 18, Meltzer joined the Israeli Defense Forces with the goals of killing Gamal Abdel Nasser and Bruno Sammartino. A year later, he was kicked out of the I.D.F when he refused to shave his legs and cut a new hair style that he described as "Hebrew in the front, heathen in the back, brah!"

A year later, Meltzer was deported for sun-bathing in various synagogues.

Basement-based Wrestling Newsletter[edit]

When Dave arrived in Amerika, he found himself dead broke with only a boner and an Apter Mag to his name. Poor and big into porn, Dave hatched up a newsletter devoted to wrestling and reruns of Dallas in order to gin up money to satiate his X-rated addiction. According to Dave, "I created the newsletter because I needed to scam up a few bucks to buy the new Tina Yothers Playboy spread. A few weeks later, I started getting these tapes from some Asian country featuring a wrestler called 'Giant Hung Young Baba.' I got so like totally hooked and hard by wrestling from that point forward."

When shilling the Newsletter, Dave describes it as the "biggest, most beastly source for insider news on the total planet. The Wrestling Observer is more jammed packed than a male porn star's Levi's. We've got the hook up with all the insiders who personally inject substances into the WWE's biggest stars such as Kurt Angle and Pat Patterson. Oh yeah, and lets not forget to give a hand up to the Mute Mexican. If you miss this week's Observer buy next week's edition of Figure Four Weekly. It's got some of the news I covered last week along with interview recaps cut and pasted from other web sites. Oh and it's fffuuuunnnnnieeee."

Hebrew goes Hollywood[edit]

Inspired by his spiritual pilgrimage to the birth place of Aaron Spelling, Dave Meltzer dedicated himself to becoming a mainstream star. His first film, Bryan Alvarez: A Sexuality Questioned, was a straight up ghetto challenge to the Hetero establishment. The film chronicled the life of Dave's ward, Bryan Alvarez, as he traveled across the state of Washington with nothing but a tip jar raising funds for a sex change operation and access to better WWE sources. After disappointing box office numbers, Dave focused on a radio career with eyada.com. Wrestling Observer Live featured interviews with MMA nobodies like Nutsakuraba.

Despite his radio and newsletter success, Dave hasn't given up on the visual medium. Recently, Dave was featured on an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy as the “Convenient Milk Man.”

The Star of Dave Rating System[edit]

One of the trademarks of Meltzer's dirt sheet is his controversial star-rating system for fake matches. In order to receive a five star rating send a check or money order payable to Dave Meltzer.


Personal Life aside from watching Porn[edit]

Dave has a kid. It is not known if Dave engaged in intercourse to create this new being. Wade Keller has speculated that the sheer of amount of dried semen in Dave's Persian rug combined with static electricity led to the creation of a fetus.

Books[edit]

Dave has written several books that only a few care about.

Tributes - Dave writes obituaries for wrestlers that he thinks might die someday.

My Week In Atlantic City With Missy Hyatt and Meth Hardy - The story of Dave's rousing road trip to Atlantic City with Missy Hyatt, Meth Hardy, and the frozen head of Cal Ripken Jr.