Dave Mustaine

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“You'll never know how hard I tried to find MySpace”

~ Dave Mustaine's Facebook

“Hey! I was the first in line!”

~ Mustaine in line at the theater

“I can't kick high enough. I can kick the chair though.”

~ Dave Mustaine on whether his muscular system has failed

“Fuck the fucking UN! UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHH”

~ Mustaine on the UN

“Dave's not here man”

~ Dave Mustaine on pot

“:/”

~ God on on Dave Mustaine

“Dave Mustaine?.. who the hell is Dave Mustaine?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Dave Mustaine

“Somethings cumming over me! ;D”

~ Dave Mustaine on Good Mourning/Black Friday

“Can I has a bus token?”

~ Dave Mustaine

“People say, oh, Dave became a Christian. They think I'm a pussy. I'm not”

~ Dave Mustaine

“You are.”

~ God

“I'm not a faggot I swear!!”

~ Dave the Stain on his coffee

Dave Mustaine

Term of office:	n/a – n/a
Preceded by:	Lemmy Kilmister
Succeeded by:	Mandingo
Date of birth:	September 13, 1961
Place of birth:	La Mesa - California
First Lady:	Paul Newman
Political party:	In the hotel room!

Dave Mustard (born September 13, 1961 in La Mesa, California) is the lead whiner/lipsyncher and air guitarist for the "loony tunes metal" band Megadebt. His childhood was rough, as his wacky antics went largely unnoticed by his parents, who were too busy smoking pot or spending his college savings to pay much notice. Teachers and students alike were slightly put off by Mustard, due in no small part to his neglect of even the most basic of hygenic duties. Wearing the same black spandex outfit from birth to the age of 45, Mustard rarely showers, never wipes his ass, and considers toothpaste to be "disgusting, just like Kirk Hamster's stealing of MY band! It's MY BAND! MIIINE! I WANT IT! WAAAAAHHH."

Like most friendless 50-year-old virgins with nuclear B.O., Mustard was drawn to the guitar early in life. He stole his first guitar at the age of 13, graverobbing Keith Richards' corpse. After prying the Gibson Les Paul from Richards' cold, dead fingers (thus bringing the wrinkled old bugger back to life), Dave Mustard realized why he was destined for greatness. It wasn't that he was the best guitarist in the world, (or even the best in his kindergarten class), it was that he could whine and make a scene and alienate everybody, for this was a rare and treasured gift that few people possessed. So what if he didn't have an amp, and the only chord he could play was strumming as fast as he could, in no particular rhythm, Dave had IT, and back in those days, that was all you needed.

[edit] METALLIFAG: "The redhead, the redneck, the Eurotrash, and the bassist nobody cares about"

After his rough childhood, and subsequent addiction to cough syrup, Mustard was a lost soul. He knew he had talent, the only problem was that it was "imaginary" talent. He needed a buddy, and because of his fear of girls, he needed a BUTT-buddy.

Mustard found such a buddy in his remedial knitting class, a loudmouthed hobbit of a drummer named Lar$ Ulriches. Ulriches, like all eurotrash, had been born with a silver spoon up his ass and an overwhelming desire to take credit for other peoples accomplishments. The two of them hit it off immediately, and pretty soon, it was dinner, dancing, and a cheap motel room for the both of them. Mustard played the guitar, and Ulriches banged on some trash cans, so the natural thing, of course, was to start a band. Looking for a frontman, (and in need of someone who could actually play guitar), Ulriches suggested Jaymes Hetfield, a rustic piece of trailer trash who Lars occasionally called when he wanted some Oxycontin. Jaymz was THRILLED; the opportunity to move out of his broken-down trailer had come at last, and, unlike Mustard, he knew he wouldn't fuck it up.

So the 3 of them were set, but apparently you need a bassist in a band, though I have NO idea why. And since the bassist is the least important member of a band, he's also the one who doesn't get a story. Maybe Metallicunt met Ronald McDonald McGovern at a pizza shop, or maybe auditioning for a band. Anyways, hes just the bassist, so who really gives a shit anyway?

Apparently this disposable wallflower McGovern didn't get along with Mustard. Plus Lars wanted his then boyfriend Kirk to be the guitar player. The two of them would fight over the most trivial of things, such as creative control of the band, or how much each band member would get paid. Anyways, after a PARTICULARLY nasty feud between Mustard and Mcgovern, regarding which brand of ketchup "reigns fucking supreme", Dave Mustard was crushed. The band had voted 3 to 1 in favor of Heinz, but he really liked Hunt's. The rest of the band walked off laughing and playing grab-ass, leaving Mustard alone to sit on a rock and cry. He knew he needed his revenge, but it would have to be epic. His plan was to be the most diabolical, creative, and infamous one known to man. It was eerily complicated: Mustard poured a can of beer (along with various bodily fluids) into McGovern's bass, and bided his time. Three hours later, when the band was getting ready to practice their beautiful sound, McGovern plugged his bass amp into the siphoned power outlet, and turned it on. He got a bit of a "funny shock", which got slightly less funny after he didn't respond to CPR and had to be dumped on an inner-city golf course. Mustard was laughing his ass off the whole time, and then Jaymes and Lar$ decided enough was enough. They had had it with Mustard's proverbial muthafuckin' snakes on their alliterative muthafuckin' plane. So they sent him on a one-way bus ride from Los Angeles to New York, making sure to use the cheapest and slowest Chinatown bus they could find. As a final practical joke, they gave Mustard a whole pint of horse laxatives, knowing full well that the bus didn't have a bathroom and only stopped every two days.

[edit] Other Exploits of Dave Mustaine

After the 3-week long bus ride, Mustard was in New York city. He was the only one who survived his laxative-laden voyage, however, as the passengers all died off from the smell after 3 days, and the bus driver croaked after five. Somehow Mustard had been able to drive the foul-smelling bus all the way to New York City, which had been dubbed "the land of opportunity" in the thoroughly forgettable "Home Alone II".

Upon arriving at Penn Station, Mustard tried to decide what to do with his life. He had 37 dollars, no change of clothes, and a 3-inch penis. Yet he drove all the way to New York, despite being illiterate. Possibly driving was a career choice.

For those of you who need money fast, Uncylopedia has a pool going on how long the current Megadeth lineup will last.

Mustard quickly decided against that, because being in a rock band was all he wanted. He was DRIVEN to succeed, and he wasn't going to let a little thing like a complete lack of social skills or no guitar interfere with his dream. So he managed to recruit 300 musicians into his band since 1983, and 297 of them were fired. Of these, 295 still hold a grudge. But no matter. Mustard found some way to be a millionaire, the methods of which are COMPLETELY beyond my comprehension, and to this moment, his most proud moment was being featured as a crying, jealous wuss on Metallicunt's self-indulgent vanity film, "Some Kind of Monster".

Of course like most famous people, Dave had been in many bands until he found the one he liked most. Most people don't actually know that before creating Megadebt he was in many bands, experimenting with his sounds and sexuality. The list:

• Metallic
• Metallica
• My pants and ego ants
• Metallica 2
• Metallica 3
• Forever +1
• Dethameg
• Metallica 3.5
• Metallideth
• Megadeth
• Megadebt
• Re-Re-Metallica 3.79
• Irondethica
• The Ginger Hamsters
• Deth Mega-netic <--- Go fuck yourself, fanboy
• Dave and da band pt. 4

[edit] MEGADEBT

It is unclear exactly how Mustard formed Megadebt, given that nobody wanted to work with him, and he didnt want to work with nobody either. But much like a 5-times-divorced old housewife who preys on young college virgins, Mustard targeted the young, the vulnerable, and the unsuccessful. And he played the metallicunt card to the maximum. A typical pickup line for women went like this: "Hey what's up? I'm Dave Mustard, and I was IN FUCKING METALLICUNT! Wanna screw?". A typical recruitment line for prospective band members went like this: "Hey what's up? I'm Dave Mustard, and I was IN FUCKING METALLICUNT! Wanna jam?". The lines worked, and over the years, Mustard had attracted the likes of Kerry King, Dimebag Darrell, Yngwie Malmsteen, Wolfgang Mozart, BB King, and Elvis Presley, all struggling artists who would do anything to avoid getting a real job. Over the years Mustard would fire them all, citing one of two reasons. If a bandmember had no talent or just did what he was told, Mustard would fire him, telling him "You're keeping me down! YOU'RE the reason I'm not going platinum, you son of a bitch!" If, however, a bandmember DID have talent, or put some creative input into the band, Mustard would get even angrier, and fire the guy on the spot, for making him look bad.

Marty Friedman left the band after this 1998 incident. Since then, he hasn't made any declarations nor further details about it, except for "Dave Was Hungry"

Over the years a lot of musicians have had qualms (or "beef", as black people like to call it) with Dave Mustard. Here are just a few of the many lawsuits filed over the years:

• Dave Mustard vs. Gulden's Mustard Corporation
• Dave Mustard vs. French's Mustard
• Dave Mustard vs. Metallicunt
• Dave Mustard vs. Megadebt
• Dave Mustard vs. The United States
• Dave Mustard vs. Pantera
• Dave Mustard vs. Slayer
• Dave Mustard vs. Dave Mustard
• Dave Mustard vs. Heinz Ketchup
• Dave Mustard vs. God
• Dave Mustard vs. God (appeals court)
• Dave Mustard vs. The World
• Dave Mustard vs. Dave Grohl vs. David Attenborough vs. David Hasselhoff vs. Dave Lombardo vs. Dave Chappelle (Battle Royal)
• Dave Mustard vs. You
• Dave Mustard vs. Your mom
• Dave Mustard vs. That guy

[edit] Scandal

Over the years there have been lots of people questioning whether or not Dave Mustaine's fingers do steroids. The truth is, yes they do. Here is photo evidence.

[edit] Songwriting

Mustaine wrote every single Metallica song, except those on St Anger. That was Lars