David Icke

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“"But David, surely you've just ripped off the plot of the 80s mini-series V?"”

~ Several Publishers

David "David Icke" Icke is a former English football player , television sports journalist and a former member of thet Green Party philosopher and award-winning stunt skateboarder whose widely-accepted theories have enlightened mankind to throw off the shackles placed on us by our shapeshifting reptilian overlords. That his name can also be rendered as D.Icke is also sign that the English language has been manipulated to pour scorn on this modern day prophet by lexicographical lizards.

It is noted that his name, appearance and beliefs bear more than a passing resemblance to David Duke. and that David Icke was a major influence in the creation of comic character Alan Partridge^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}

What David Icke really does look like? - Nobody knows. Maybe he doesn't exist.

[edit] The Man: The Genius, The Schmenius and Lizard Detector

[edit] Biography

David Icke. What must be said, what can be omitted?

Born at 6:15 PM on April 29th, 1952, in Leicester, England. Desperately poor, quit school to become a soccer player. Washed out of soccer due to frailty, sexual inadequacy and inability to take the 'punishment'. Blames it on bad knees. "Mad Davey" as he is affectionately known to fans, then embarked on a series of careers: Tv presenter, transvestite plumber, politician, green hippy, author, model for turquoise clothes and laughing stock; before starting his own religion based around a 1980s sci-fi mini-series.

• Father: Icke Turner; unsuccessful fake moustache salesman. A self-hating half reptile from Brentford who abandoned his family in 1973 to run off with Babs from Legs and Co.
• Mother: Virgilio Anderson, the only lesbian walrus in Leicester zoo, who become pregnant without a turkey baster. Also, his father's niece.
• Twin brother: Eaten alive by David in utero.
• Surviving brother: David Shayler, a living example of the dangers of smoking too much skunk.

Prophet Icke channeling a Higher Power. (Bad image, will try to upload again later--OEJ.)

What cannot be left unsaid about David Icke?

His own words: "As I looked at the mound, a voice in my head began to say: 'Tell Sid I came.'"

More of it: "Only by breaking free from the shackles of {sanity} could I now be going around the world talking about shape-shifting reptilians occupying the positions of global power."

Monumentally abused: "I have taken 20 years of monumental abuse and misrepresentation on a scale that few, except Duncan 'Chase Me' Norvelle, have ever experienced. So what is said about me by harry Secombe and his goons on websites is like flying on an elephant's back - irrelevant to me. But if others, who are targets of this vicious 'comedian' want to take legal action in response, that is entirely up to me, which is why I am talking about it. Personally, I prefer to let my acolytes post poorly phrased abuse and ill-advised threats of legal action while I sit at home wanking into a dish and crying."

Voices in the head, mistaken for reality and then mixed into a dreadful skanky porridge of calumny, slander, and fruitcakery.

Most of what he say's is a misrepresentation of the "facts" which does tend to allude anyone getting sucked in to his snowball. If I sold lies for 50p and sold them to dipsticks such as him, then, prolly make a profit of £11.50 which he'd make back in his next book & that's not just because he has some superstition of the number 12.

He enjoys slandering those in charge because he doesn't want to take an ordinary job somewhere and sell processed meat in McDoles. Instead, he'd rather convince everyone about how princess Diana was killed by the Royals because she knew too much about them. Also some American radge was abducted by the Bush family, taking for a trip through different dimensions and sexually abused by them. Isn't that just incredible? Question is how much money do they split for convincing everyone else of such unimaginative, complete, pure and utter, undeniably, pompous & ridiculous bull stool?

Nobody ever seems to challenge his affliction by selling pork pies?

[edit] The Beliefs

David Icke has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a silver Illuminati pyramid lodged in his duodenum, just above the Shatner's Bassoon. David Icke believes that Prince Charles is an iguana. David Icke believes that he, himself, is the Cosmic Suitcase of Ruth and Dave. Icke believes in monatomic gold and it's efficacy in treating the 'disease' of sanity. David believes in crystal power, astrology, and eating the anal glands of civet cats for good health. David Icke believes that Mr T pities the fool and certainly won't be getting on no plane.

According to his insanity revealed truth, the Illuminati are a mainstay of reptilians from some planet or star or something called XinsenzilliamilliaBob. Oh, we're really sorry, Uncyclopedia mistook that name with the one the SIBology guys talk about. He actually names the place they're from as The TV series 'V' "Sirius 6 in the Aformsa galaxy."

Anyway, Icke believes that the Illuminati doesn't yet own the entire world, only the small software company, Opera. He maintains that Opera plans on terrorising Microsoft with flaming bags of excrement, as well as Opera singing until it succumbs and gives away the source code to Windows as well as all rights to the most-crashing OS, so Opera can take over the IT world and extort all non-Macintosh offices for billions of dollars. After this, Illuminati intends to reinstall the Y2K bug for all computers, even the thousand Apple Macs in the world, and change the bug so it implodes computers on December 21, 2012. Icke says the machines will actually explode and reduce the worlds population to 533 million people. The insidious plan then proceeds to kick off the New World Order where reptilians will be slaves for the poor, and crocodiles will be hunted again as Steve Irwin is resurrected and becomes the figurehead of the New World Religion.

Socrates once asked Agathon, "Since you produce crap, does that make you an asshole?"

Agathon answered, "We are like apple trees that drop turds instead of apples."

David Icke believes that if he can produce enough crap he will be rich. Richer. Richest.

Icke claims vindication for his views from a number of indisputable facts:

• Alex Jones says it's all true.
• That the royal family, George Bush, the Rothschild family and other wealthy people he claims are evil slobbering shapeshifting reptiles have not come forward for blood tests. He claims that Prince Charles uses his large ears as a communication device to communicate with his reptillian brethren on Sirius 6 in the Aformsa glaxy.
• That no-one has tried to debunk Icke's well-researched claims except for "obvious purveyors of disinformation.
• That everyone richer or more successful than him is an evil sex-obsessed reptile, hence being able to keep the public under their spell.

David Icke believes that all who do not believe in him and his message of "Infinite Love" are as follows:

• "I couldn't care less what they say because they are a bunch of irrelevant, self-indulgent navel-contemplators who are doing the Illuminati's job for them by seeking to undermine any researcher who commits the crime of actually getting the information out to the mainstream public."
• "They are just shepherds who hide behind bushes to spew out their hatreds from their gutless anonymity, despite the fact that they have no guts and, therefore, I'm a little unsure where the spew in question would have originated from. They have balls the size of processed peas and the word 'Homebase' does not even begin to suffice."
• "Why should I, or anyone else, care what such people say about me or anyone? Well, obviously I care enough to make this statement, but the irony seems to have escaped me for the moment. They are utterly irrelevant and they have made themselves so by refusing to buy my self-published pamphlets."

David Icke, when paid enough, also claims to believe that:

• "I have already done more to inform the public worldwide, and change lives for the better, than most people will do if they live to be a thousand."
• Thora Hird, the thousand year old actress and inventor of the stair-lift responded to this comment by pointing out that Icke is "a schizophrenic second-rate goal-keeper who wouldn't know community responsibility if he fell over it on the way to his helicopter pad." She later added, "If he thinks different I'll see the twat outside."

And, controversially:

'Fame counts for a lot, I have a big house, plenty of money and a blindly-obedient mentally-ill wife, but still the only thing I really want is to fellate 'Bouncer', the dog from neighbours, that would, in many ways, be my greatest dream. Damn you Jim Robinson"

[edit] The Problem

David Icke frequently claims to have invented the Hegalian Dialectic, when asked why it was not then called 'the Ickian Dialectic' he blurted out a series of important sounding words in no particular order and made a break for the door.

The problem is, you can hardly write a proper Uncyclopedia article about David Icke. He is already too preposterous.

The problem is David Icke and he is not the reaction. But someone, maybe David Icke, always goes on about Problem-Reaction-Solution. In reality, that is codespeak for the abbreviation PRS, which stands for Painful Rectal Syndrome. First, something becomes painful, then an ass or in the rectum, the painfulness reacts to create a syndrome, which you can complain about for the rest of your life until you become an old fart.

The problem: David Icke is clearly mad.

[edit] The Reaction

The reaction that David Icke found out about, is that O sometimes meets two H's and in a bout of *censored* polygamist action creates the horrible substance H₂O, which is a conspiracy by the Illuminati to make us all soft and mushy if the substance enters our live bodies. This is unless the reality of the theories of Masaru Daimon is applied to the H₂O so it turns towards the positive vibrations of Love. In its initial state, H₂O is negative by the godly powers of the Illuminati.

The Reaction: Only equally mental people entertain David Icke's psychosis, the others just think that he's mad.

[edit] The Final Solution

Someday, someone will pull David Icke's finger. And with a sound like two cheeks clapping he will deflate, leaving only a faint odour of bullshit hanging around the edges of the paranormal huckster scene.

There are impressive, interesting frauds, and there are pathetic frauds. Somewhere, Aleister Crowley is laughing his arse off.

The Solution: Ignore David Icke's madness or you may become mad, too.

[edit] Books

• How To turn Schizophrenia Into A Steady Income (2009)
• Fruitcakes and other assorted tea-time fancies. (2008)
• The David Icke Guide To Life, The Universe and Everything(2007)
• Godzilla is alright with me: The Lizards We CAN Trust! (2006)
• My Astonishing Prediction That The Twin Towers Will Be Attacked in 2001 (2006)
• Infinite Truth Is the Only Love: Every Illusion is something Else (2005)
• Tales from the infinite Time Loop: The Most Comprehensive Expose of the Global Conspiracy Ever Written (until I write a better one next year)(2003)
• Bin Laden in Wonderland (2002)
• Children of The Matrix (2001)
• So - You Think You're Reptilain? (2001)
• How to recycle 1960s Far-Right Conspiracy Theories for Fun and Profit (2000)
• Big ears and no soul: Prince Charles and the Reptillian Endgame (2000)
• Maybe your boss has scales (2000)
• My Biggest Secret: That Time In The Elevator... It Was Me Who Farted (1999)
• Oh My God! My Parents Are Lizards! (1998)
• Reptiles Ate My Baby (1997)
• Thora Hird...lizard! (1997)
• And the Truth Shall Cost A Fee (1996)
• OMG It's Like Everyone In The World Is A Robot Except Me!!1 (1992)
• It doesn't have to pee like this (1990)
• My completely normal autobiography about me. (No Lizards involved) (1989)
• A Travlers Guide to La La Land (1982)
• The 4-4-3 defense and it's Role in Global Oppression (1987)
• V the Final Battle What to expect in the year 2000 (2001) out of print
• V the Final Battle What to expect in the year 2012 (2013) Forthcoming

[edit] Music

• Any bitchpunk with scales I'm sure to impale (2003, HipHop collaboration with 50 cent)
• Fo Shizzle My Nizzle that Reptizzle had Scizzles, it owned the Bizzle and Contrizzled the Wizzle (2002, HipHop collaboraration with Ludicris and Nas.)
• Twonk, split EP with The Jesus Lizard. (1997)

[edit] Videos

• The Reptilian - A Gender Bender (2004)
• David Icke - Secrets of The Lydyl (Parts 1 -3)
• David Icke: The Female Toad (2004)
• David Icke: Darkness at the edge of town (2002)
• David Icke: Revelations of Mother Goose (2001)
• David Icke feat. Ozzy Osbourne, Live in Vancouver: From Prison to Paranoid

All released by Illuminati Productions

• David Icke live: The Divorcees With Too Much Time on Their Hands Tour (2000)

[edit] See Also:

• Alex Jones
• The Incredoble Credo Mutwa
• Chameleons
• Cliff Richard - Another son of God
• God
• Satan
• Santa
• Jeff Rense
• Bobby Fischer
• megatokyo
• Ann Coulter

[edit] Further reading on reptilians

• The Scotsman:The Royal Family are bloodsucking alien lizards - David Icke
• Freeman, a fellow looney