David Stern
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David Stern is the current President of the National Basketball Association. He is the world's first electric douchebag to become president of a Fortune 803 company.
[edit] Early Life
Fat Dave's parents numbered among those that killed Jesus and then participated in a celebratory orgy, where Davey was conceived. His birth was notable in that, upon exiting his mom's hoo-hoo Dave pronounced, "I am the anti-christ. I shall destroy all that is beautiful." He then proceeded to be a huge fag who, according to his autobiography, "would take it in any hole for a nickel. I'm not suggesting that I was paid to perform sexual acts; that is illegal. I paid them the nickel."
[edit] Career with the NBA
David "Howard" Stern first garnered attention from the NBA when he sexually assaulted Larry Bird (as a side note, he has also assaulted Big Bird). Given his rampant homosexuality, unlikable personality, and undisguised loathing for the game of basketball in all forms, fat Dave was recognized as a perfect candidate for President of the NBA. After several weeks of filthy and perverted sex acts, he was granted the position.
One of the Sternmeisters most notable moves as president was his replacement of the outdated basketball with a new, improved version. Many are surprised that a man who never touched a basketball was better qualified to decide what ball the players should use than the players themselves, their coaches, or anyone with abilities of tactile perception. What many don't realize is that dave stern spends more time with his hands on balls than anyone on earth. The outdated basketball had several design flaws including reliability, familiarity, suitability for the game, and a lack of hand cutting when touched. Drawing inspiration from his favorite boy band, Bush, Dave replaced the ball with a razorblade suitcase. It should be noted that executives at the basketball manufacturing association wanted David to select low quality razorblade suitcases, but after a deal wherein David received a huge monetary kickback, he elected to get the deluxe, rusty-because-they-have-been-soaked-in-the-urine-of-STD-clinic-patients razorblade suitcases.
Recently, he suspended several players of the Phoenix Stevamires for defending their players from his sexual assaults, thus restoring balance to the out-of-control playoff series between the Stevamires and the San Antonia Buttpirates. As a result of this justice defying move, the NBA finals of 2007 experienced record ratings. Note that we didn't precise that they were record highs.
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