“Free the tampons!”
“God made chickens tasty and God made tampons absorbent! Deal with it.”
Tampons (Tamponis digitalis) are small invertebrate animals originating from the island of Tamponia in the Gulf of Mexico. In 1934 the island was discovered by the sinister Gertrude Tendrich, dame of adventure, founder of Tampax and particularly strong gusher. She set out on a quest to discover the world's most absorbant material after America's supply of loofah sponges ran out during the Great Depression. Tampons are bred in tampon farms, after which they're sedated, packaged and sold.
The life cycle of a tampon
The life cycle of a tampon last about a month. A tampon spends much of its life as an egg. After hatching, the Larva morphs into a pupa within three days. When they reach pupa stage, larvas choose whether they want to morph into an imago or a lombardo. The imago stage has three sub-stages: zergling, fledgeling and finally, newborn tampon. During the lombardo stage however, the foetus undergoes severe physical training, receives more protein and becomes much larger, until it finally grows into a full-sized teenage pop star.
Common misconceptions about Tampons
"Tampons are a health hazard and should immediately be thrown in the trash after use."
- Wrong. Tampons are safe to eat and they have good nutritional value. They're commonly used by Scientologists as an addition to placenta dishes.
"Tampons should be kept away from small children."
- Bla-bla-bla. Tampons make great pets and can be used as chew-toys or pacifiers. They require almost no special care, except hourly high-alkalinity formaldehyde baths, any kind of phytoplankton and a musical environment (26Hz sine or triangle wave vibration at 55 dB).
"Tampons do not like being stuffed into female genitalia and spending their lives as undignified sanitary appliances."
- Who told you these lies? In the Tampax corporation, we always think of you, the customer. And kittens, and rainbows.
"Is Tampax really a soulless corporation that exploits animals for the sake of tremendous profits?"
- If we don't have a soul, how come we can offer you a Jumbo tampon value-pack for only $29,99?
"If my boyfriend and I want to have fun, a tampon will protect me from getting pregnant."
- You are a fool. Tampons are not an effective contraceptive. If anything, tampons can only get aggressive when someone intrudes into their territory.
"I heard on Pat Robertson that when you pull out a tampon, that's the Devil's way of teaching you to have abortions."
- Pat Robertson also thinks constipation leads to homosexuality and that dogs are inherently communist. In reality, he's only partly right.
When unsanitized, left unattended or reused, tampons are known to carry a multitude of diseases:
- implosive diarrhea
- double ass syndrome
- inflated foot
- rabbi mouth disease
- spontaneous hydro-flatulance
- renegade spleen syndrome
- penal growth of anus
- uterian manifestation
- Giant White Tampon (Tampax Bill O'Reillyus)
- Giant Black Tampon (Kotex Will-Smithus)
- Red-headed Tampon (Playtex Lindsayus-Lohanus)