The Dead Kennedys
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“Are Leon and Bobby part of this group?”
~ Ted Kennedy on The Dead Kennedys
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“You haven't seen the last of me!”
~ 6025 on His relationship with The Dead Kennedys
“These were some crazy guys.”
~ Captain Obvious on The Dead Kennedys
“How could you possibly ask for better advertisement?”
~ A Communist on The Dead Kennedys
The Dead Kennedys are a group of musical architects from the great year of Nineteen-hundred and Seventy-Six of our emperor Caesar. Their alligence was with the city-state of California, and they wreaked havoc amongst the commonfolk of the time.
Contents |
[edit] The Members
The group has had a lot of members, but only the first 3 were deemed worthy and an outsider was welcomed later, so Nobody Cares.
In order to avoid any more unnecessary investigations from the FBI, the band took up different names (at 6025's request. His many run-ins with the law had made him a really paranoid motherfucker). The band got it's first start when East Bay Ray sexually harassed Jello Biafra over the phone, and from there, there was no turning back.
[edit] Jello Biafra
A former teddy-bear factory worker, Jello was often taunted because of his name. In 1674, he ran for Guvernor of the Commonwealth of San Fransico under the control of Czar Phillip against Marvin Gaye and Jack Nicholson. Although he came in 3rd, he found his voice as a singer and did covers of Mariah Carey and obscure polka bands.
[edit] East Bay Ray
A former physicist and fascist, East Bay Ray was a huge Beach Boys fan and dreamed of starting a clean-cut, mild mannered surf band. Ray learned the geetar. But little did he know that Jello Biafra was actually a comedian and would eventually leave the group in 1984 after reading the book 1984.
[edit] Klaus Fluoride
Born 1917 at a get-together for the German Socialist Worker Party, little Klaus picked up a bass and pumped out bass runs that made Barry White faint.
[edit] D.H. Peligro
He drummed for the band after the demise of Ted. His style of drumming is modeled after the nuclear explosion at Hiroshima.
[edit] 6025
(Information disclosed at police and family's request)
[edit] Ted
The band's original and almighty drummer, Ted met a sad fate at the hands of a poisoned bowl of Honey Bunches of Oates. The Dead Kennedys dedicated a song to him later in their career. Always a scrapper, Ted earned his rightful place in the band by randomly beating the shit out of Jello Biafra in front of the Grand Nobleman of Californiara, who was in the crowd on that memorable day.
[edit] Eric Boucher
Jello Biafra's evil twin and alternate persona, he is a jazz singer that is currently imprisoned in a Turkish jail. He is creditied one a few records but Biafra denies this. He and 6025 plotted against Ted's life at one point but 6025 turnied out to be even more messed up than Eric.
[edit] The History
[edit] Humble Beginnings
In California, a disgruntled pompadour by the name of Jello Biafra answered an extremely inappropriate phone message from East Bay Ray and joined him to form a band called The Geographers. Along the way, they picked up Klaus Fluoride from a orphanage played some gigs as a threesome (no sick thoughts you sickos). Then, during one show, a man by the name of Ted and Ted alone jumped on stage and started to assault Biafra. After a long struggle, Biafra congratulated Ted on his determination and invited him to play drums. Along the way, a schizophrenic maniac only known as 6025 from police records tried to play guitar for them, but he was one crazy motherfucker and was never seen or heard from again.
After the unfortunate assassination completely unplanned accident that happened to Ted, the band recruited great merchant and shipbuilder D.H. Peligro. He unleashed a fury on the drums that was previously thought physically impossible for humans to do. It was later discovered that Peligro was part Cyborg, but this did not effect his placement in Uncyclopedia's Book of Truly Marvelous Feats!
On a mission to propagate the message of Ronald Reagan, some of Jello's song's had recurring themes like:
-All Californians are Nazis
-Bleeding is a very unfortunate situation
-The police in California like to ride around in trucks instead of patrol cars
-Halloween is a time to dance and plan very, very hard
-California is full of fachists that will come for you
-Consuming alcohol makes it harder to initiate sexual coitus with a female. Especially when they wear retainers.
-Please take this Job, I Am No Longer Working At this Establishment
and their most popular song:
-Taking vacations in third-world countries
Many of the Dead Kennedys songs shocked and/or angered people with their frequent use of the devil's rock and roll rhythms and the use of the word "hell". The band were often called communists, but they liked the term "fascists" better. From 1979 to 1984 they embarked on an epic journey of gargantuan proportions to spread the word of Communism.
[edit] The Demise of Ted
While the Dead Kennedys were not touring, Ted returned to his lair in California. One moring, upon breakfast, he fancied a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oates. But little did he know that the jazz fiend and now wanted man 6025 had broken into his house, taking Ted's collection of calcium stains and leaving a a lamp and $200 in cash. He also poisoned Ted's entire stock of cereal. The cereal proved fatal and Ted was pronounced dead at the scene (they found him sitting at a table with a spoon hanging out of his mouth and urine everywhere) .
[edit] 6025 brought to Justice
6025 was finally apprehended after he held up a liquor store and tried to outrun the police on a lawn mower. He was shot at the scene of the crime but before the police could collect the body the lawn mower burst into flames, disintegrating the body completely. There are rumors on the internets that it wasn't really 6025 who perished in that fateful explosion and he is living in the Glorious Republic of North Korea.
[edit] The Breakup
Eventually, the band broke up around the year 1984 when Jello Biafra became a stand-up comedian and Klaus Flouride went to Chef School. The band had had enough of each other. Jello was hogging all the fucking cookies set out at the recording sessions. Those cookies were for everyone. EVERYONE damnit. This led to several frivolous lawsuits that Jello eventually lost (he had to share the cookies with everyone). After the ultimate downfall of the band, East Bay Ray had to go back to being a pharmacist at a CVS. D.H Peligro moved to England and never came back to the Americaland. Ted had already been long dead and we can assume that 6025 was too (or was he?...)
[edit] The Later Years
Jello Biafra is still currently a stand-up comedian, releasing his 4th comedy album Oh Those Adorable Communists! in Fall 2008.
Klaus Flouride quit chef school and is a computer analyst for Adolf Hitler's company, Apple.
D.H. Peligro went back to shipbuilding and designed the crowning achievement (totally not a failure) of boats, the Titanic.
East Bay Ray prefers to be called Ray now, thank you very much.
Ted's family still continues to get a paycheck of $1.74 of the Dead Kennedys royalties.
6025 is considered by law enforcement everywhere to be one of the sneakiest bastards that ever lived.
[edit] Albums
[edit] Fresh Vegetables for Rotting Corpses
The DK's first album, it features The Commodores on backing vocals and Ludwig Van Beethoven on triangle. They were sued for using the picture of Benny Goodman and the Goodvibes on the back of the album without permission.
I could list the other albums but I can sum them up in one sentence: They all got sued in some way.
