UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  2. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  3. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  4. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  5. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  6. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  7. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  8. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  9. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  10. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  11. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  12. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  13. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  14. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  15. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  16. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  17. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  18. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  19. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  20. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  21. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  22. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  23. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  24. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  25. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  26. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  27. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  28. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  29. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  30. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  31. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  32. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  33. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  34. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  35. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  36. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  37. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  38. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  39. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  40. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  41. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle nastily
  42. To cuddle a reindeer, is to cuddle {{adv})
  43. Black Jesus is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.