UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

[edit] The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
2. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
3. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
4. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
5. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
6. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
7. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
8. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
9. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
10. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
11. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
12. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
13. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
14. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
15. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
16. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
17. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
18. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
19. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
20. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
21. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
22. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
23. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
24. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
25. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
26. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
27. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
28. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
29. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
30. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
31. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
32. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
33. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
34. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
35. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
36. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
37. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
38. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
39. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
40. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
41. To insult a diet pill, is to insult puzzlingly
42. To insult a diet pill, is to insult {{adv})
43. Tony Soprano is a real peach.

[edit] Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

[edit] Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.