Deadliest Warrior
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“My name's Paul, and this shit's between y'all.”
~ God
“You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up! Cause I'll come over there and jam this oar up your ass!!”
~ Oscar Wilde to unidentified Shaolin monk
“Who won? Is he mine, now?!”
Deadliest Warrior is an inherently ill-advised television show recently created and completed on Spike TV, in which not only are warriors who would never have met each other forced to fight to the death, but given that there are only two sides to each episode, the title should have been "The Deadlier Warrior."
In English grammar, this is known as the common mistake of confusing the comparative adjectives with the superlative adjectives. When there are only two choices, the deadlier one is referred to as the deadlier one, because he is deadlier than the less deadly one, hence the adjective "deadlier."
When there are three or more choices, the deadliest one is referred to as the deadliest one in order to distinguish him from one of the deadlier ones who is, however, not deadlier than the deadliest one, hence the adjective "deadliest."
[edit] Format of Show
The show is supposedly based on the mathematical computations of a team of geeky scientists who think they know fighting because they're great at Mortal Kombat. They test the most famous weapons of each fighter, like ninja stars, roundhouse kicks, hydrogen bombs, grenades, broken beer bottles, chairs, pool cues, Gerri Curl juice, spermatazoa, Astro Glide, etc. They test them on human dummies filled with strawberry pie filling, Kosher-killed pigs, pig brains, pig feet, athlete's pig feet, condemned pedophiles, people who just agree to the experiments (ahh, ya give 'em a couple hundred bucks for their trouble, you know). Kosher times Kosher. Kosher squared.
But they do not feed the results of this information into a computer until AFTER they have argued which one looked cooler. And guess what? Yep! Hydrogen bombs don't look as cool as a morning star buried into some poor pig's nuts. So the knight would win in a one-on-one match against a United States Air Force colonel.
[edit] Episodes
The show began with fine intentions, and quickly degenerated into a dick-measuring contest. Following are all the episodes which have been filmed but not necessarily aired, chronologically.
1. Apache vs. (Roman) Gladiator
- Whereas, the show did not specify what nationality the gladiator was, they made it quite obvious they meant the Roman one. The one that fought in the Circus Maximus and the Colosseum. But then, it doesn't matter, because he got his ass kicked by the Apache. I mean it. The Apache just fucking murdered him. Fuck a gladiator. And fuck Russell Crowe, now that I think about it. Wind in his Hair, all the way.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
- The Samurai had all the discipline to win the fight, but it was hella close because Vikings liked to eat hallucinogenic shrooms before a fight, whereupon they experienced the Frenzy of Odin, and attacked everything within a 6-block radius including the ants. Dug 'em up and howled at 'em.
- The Samurai is recorded as having said, "Ho-ry fuck! Shoot him! Shoot him!! SHOOT HIM!!!"
- The Samurai, indeed, shot him, but not before the Viking critically wounded him, and then slammed his own battle-axe into his (the Viking's) head, killing himself. Don't eat the shrooms.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
- The ninja attempted to sneak up from behind the Spartan and stab him in the back, but the Spartan heard him coming, turned and shouted, "THIS IS NINJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" which did not have any real bearing on the situation. Nevertheless, the ninja stopped, shat out his testicles, and dropped dead.
- Now it's just getting sad. Pirates have GUNS. Dipshit. "Oh, look at me, look at me, riding up on my beautiful, armored horse, swinging my morning star and unsheathing my sword. Stand still! So that I may..." BANG!! "FUCK!!! I'M DEAD!!"
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
- What the fuck? The Italian mafia, btw. There are lots of mafiae. The Dagos won, because, well, they got a long history of being Dagos. Wops. Guineas. Poor, dirt-starving street urchins, who grew up fighting, killing, stealing to live. They all have Chicago Typewriters. And baseball bats. They whooped the living Jesus outta the Yakuza. Eye of the Tiger.
Chuck Norris disapproves of people looking at him through 3-D glasses.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
6. Green Beret vs. Spetsnaz
- But the show swore that the Spetsnaz, who are Russian, btw, would win 519 to 481, very close, because they have a knife on a spring that they use to shoot you. Unfortunately, that's still bringing a knife to a gunfight. And the Green Beret sure as hell knows that the Spetsnaz has a spring knife. No surprise in store for him. The Spetsnaz strategy of rolling around on the fuckin' floor, completely vulnerable proved to be completely useless, therfore automatically giving the win to Stalinsnaz.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
Know what ya never hear about on this show? Buncha Jews gettin' hit by a tornado.
7. Shaolin Monk vs. Maori Tribesman
- Are you shittin' me?! This one hasn't aired yet, but the Shaolin Monk is gonna win, you better believe it! The rizza, ja-jizza, superfly TNT, ol' D. B. Shaolinna!! Biznatchez!
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
8. William Walrus vs. Shaka Zulu
- Not even a great fiction writer coulda come up with this one. I gotta go with Shaka, because I don't want the NAACP, the ACLU, the COFO, and the affirmative action committee on my ass.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
9. IRA vs. Taliban
- I'm thinkin' Taliban cause they ain't cuttin' heads off in Ireland.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
10. Alexander the Great vs. Attila the Hun
- In a drinking contest.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
11. Ewoks vs. Jawas
- Let the debate commence!
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
12. Israeli Special Forces vs. Nazi War Criminal
- The Nazi war criminal is 97 years old and riddled with arthritis. This shit is gonna be PAINFUL.
WINNER: JEWISH CHUCK NORRIS
13. Mini-Me vs. Willow
- This one oughta be good! Mini-Me is almost unstoppable, but Willow's got the disappearing pig trick, and petrifying acorns.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
14. Jedi vs. Istari
- "White the Gandalf invulnerable he better be!"
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
15. Andy Dick vs. Danny DeVito
- All we can tell ya is that Andy's a dick and DeVito's short. The viewers will lose.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
16. Ginger vs. MaryAnn
- Bob Denver's smokin' weed. He don't give a fuck as long as the popcorn holds out.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
17. Dances with Wolves vs. The Postman
- Expected to beat out Episode 15 for lowest Nielsen ratings.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
18. SAMUEL L. JACKSON vs. Laurence Fishburne
- THE MOTHERFUCKIN' EPISODE OF ALL MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
WINNER: CHUCK MOTHERFUCKIN' NORRIS!!!
19. Rocky Balboa vs. Kodiak Brown Bear
- "There's no oxygen on Mars, Rock!"
- "Hey, dey ain't no oxygen for dat bear, neither! I gotta do what I gotta do!"
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
20. Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T
- This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.Special weaponry is being kept top secret, but may well include blunt-force, planetary castration, galactic forest fires, and entropy.
"Plainview! Thou stolest Fizzy Lifting Drinks! Prepare thyself for HELL, SIR!!!"
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
21. Bill "the Butcher" Cutting vs. Daniel Plainview
- Season finale. We at Uncyclopedia expect a tactical draw out of this one. Cutting definitely has the short-range advantage, but Plainview has a revolver, and his special weapon is kick-ass: oil derrick fire! Their middle-range weapons are the same and perfectly matched: howling their faces red at each other.
- The producers prepared the living hell out of this episode, and that's why it took so long. Rumors abound that Jesus Himself may join the fight, since no Earthly region can contain this amount of method acting. Yet, the side He chooses, or how He might lend His Assistance, no one can say.
WINNER: CHUCK NORRIS
