Deal Or No Deal

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This page is about the game show Deal Or No Deal. For information on the religion of the same name, see The Church of Deal or No Deal.


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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Deal Or No Deal.

Deal Or No Deal is a game show, first thought to have originated from Ancient Greece, that has been sold to over 345678 countries around the world. The show began when Keith Chegwin had a spare 15 minutes of thinking time on his lunch break. It evolved from an old game played by cuban children, in which there were 22 boxes, all of which would contain John McCrirrick. The player would have to pick a box and have sex with the contents. The one holding the box must then make an offer of John Leslie. If the player accepts this offer he must give the box to the box-holder, who then has sex with Jeremy Beadle.

The commercially popular version first aired in 1901, on the vaudeville circuit hosted by unkown actor and con-man Arthur Stevenington. This version did not last particularly long, as the boxes never in fact contained John McCrirrick at all. Audience disgust nearly killed the show, and condemnation came in from all corners of the globe, including the Catholic Church. In order to rebuild their audience, the vaudeville show was reworked to so that money was contained within the boxes. Money of varying amounts.

In some European countries a new version named, 'Deal or Deal' has been launched. In this game, the player must play all the way to the end or face being shot by a member of the East Wing.

This man was the intended host for a German Deal or No Deal before he committed suicide in 1945

UK Version[edit]

Noel's carpet-jumpers never caught on

Deal or No Deal in the UK is presented by Noel 'Crusher' Edmonds. In the Untied States, it is hosted by Mr Shake-Hands-Man.

The prizes range from pogo-stick to mayonnaise, a record for UK daytime television, with the values written inside 22 identically-sealed red boxes, identical except for the number on the front and the fact that that they are not identical. All the boxes are sealed by an independent adjudicator, usually Oscar Wilde or Darth Vader. Neither Noel, the contestant, the wanker, God, You or the Endemol production team know about what value is written in each box.

The boxes are opened by the 21 contestants awaiting their turn to play (unlike the US version which uses models, often referred to as "Hubba Hubba"s to open the cases) - these waiting contestants are also regularly spoken to by the host and offer support and advice to the player, so they are familiar to the TV audience by the time they get their turn to play. These players stay on the show until they get a turn in the chair (or "stool", as Crusher Edmonds sometimes said in earlier editions), and each day's player is selected by former Newcastle United and Fulham midfielder Peter Beardsley, instead of through a quiz as is done in some other versions. Each day a new contestant joins those opening boxes and waiting to play, replacing the person who played the previous day - some famous contestants have included Hilary Duff, Monica Lewinsky, Mr. Stingray, Yo mama, Snoop Dogg, Adam Wilkins, and Sigmund Freud.

Bank offers are made after the fifth box is opened and every third box thereafter once the seventh box from the right has opened and eight boxes from the left have succeeded the second offer from the wanker. As of April 8, 2006, the show has already paid out to the players in the hot seat £2,374,675.12 in prize money, in 136 editions - although this figure is questionable due to the fact that Nobody cares.

January 18, 2006 marked the first edition of the second series of the ninth show of the second year of Deal or No Deal. The second series will contain episodes that feature Tony Blair and George W. Bush as seal-pullers. The main difference is that once a person has made a deal with the wanker, at subsequent (national) wanker's offers, the accepted deal is displayed on screen alongside the current "shag". This gives a clearer picture to the TV audience on whether the contestant has made a good deal - but what Endemol didn't realize is that no one gives a shit. The stand on which the old-fashioned telephone sits is also raised slightly higher due to Noel spending too much time in the sauna and shrinking - Endemol wanted to laugh at him. Since February 27 2006, the figures of money displayed inside the boxes have been coloured lava lamp or penguin corresponding to their position in the money chart.

Contestants have a big orgy, and the wanker has to decide which one deserves 240 English pounds.

It has long been suspected that it is not actually a TV game show at all, but a sophisticated psychological experiment designed to see just how much boredom a human can tolerate before negative effects appear. It is "officially" a secret, although everyone knows really, that no one who actually appears on the show is ever seen again. It is theorized that these poor people have literally been bored to death by their close proximity to the show and indeed, Noel himself. Viewing of the TV broadcast has not yet produced adverse side effects, as long as it is viewed in moderation. There are several pieces of evidence pointing to the fact that it is dangerous to view this show for extended periods of time, the main fact being that since the shows first airing, unexplained deaths in old grannies sitting at home watching TV has increased by an astonishing 500%. There has been no official government investigation into these facts, leading many to believe that it is the first stage in a master plan to subdue the entire country's population for some devious reason.

AMENDMENT. always bear in mind that Edmonds is a cunt. and that someone died live on one of his shows. forget ye not. cunt.

Game-Board[edit]

-1 p A kidney
Shave Noel Edmonds back A Free Trip To Iraq

69p Wallpaper With Pictures Of Noel Edmonds' Head
Greatest moments of Noels House Party DVD Perform Open Heart Surgery
76 Trombones A Tank Of Petrol
A pair of Noel's unwashed undies Real X-Ray Glasses
£50 A pair of Noel's used condoms
A pitying from Mr. T Trip To The Local Zoo
£250 A Chance To See Noel's vagina
Touch Noel's Hair Noel Edmonds worn underwear (with skid-marks)
Spend 46,152 hours with Noel 49% of Channel 4 Shares


Rules[edit]

This guy, despite the board, won -1p!

The game starts off with a player being 'randomly' selected by a computer, and the contestant then picks a box between numbers 1 and 22 to be his or her box for the game.

In the first round, the player picks 5 boxes from the remaining 21 while simultaneously ruling out the second box from the left and pointing at the tenth box next to box 11. When the value in the box is revealed, it is removed from the game board and players are no longer allowed to win that prize.

After each round, the player receives a phone call from a 'wanker' (widely believed to be Mr Blobby, Noel's ex-husband).

The wanker makes a monetary, sexual, or otherwise offer, and the player is then asked to 'Deal or No Deal' by Crusher Edmonds. If a player 'no deals' then he will continue to get offers although he/she/it/he-she is not allowed to change his mind about dealing.

When we come to the last two boxes with the second box from the right still in play and the nineteenth box from the second box on the left, the player receives another offer from the wanker, or they can carry on and take home whatever is in their box. This has proved disastrous on many occasions. Players could have won a life time supply of eggs and milk having dealt as low as "Microsoft Excel".

Noel himself is not allowed to play the game, although he did play with the production team and dealt way too soon, and could have won in excess of £100,000.

Episodes[edit]

Episode Contestant Amount Won

380 Mr Blobby Jimbo Wales

259 Jesus 12 Disciples

56 Dave Woollin £20,000 - but the stupid sod was so lazy, he just picked the boxes in number order!

"The Lost Episode"[edit]

Contrary to popular belief the "Lost Episode" does in fact exist, however was not aired due to its unruly content. In this episode an enraged member of the audience with a vendetta against the banker (we later learn the banker had once slept with his wife) seized the telephone on the show, lit a fire and stripped himself of his outer clothes to reveal bizarre, cult-esque robes, then began to dance around the lit fire in the studio in an equally uncouth manner, whilst members of the audience began to cheer, some even playing bongo drums produced from what would seem thin air. The phone was thrown onto the fire and engulfed in flames; a replacement telephone could not be found. For the rest of the episode a mobile phone from a charitable member of the West Wing was used.

Smallest amounts won[edit]

To date, eight players have received the lowest possible payout of some rather painful arse-kicking. On both occasions the unlucky contestant was gunged immediately after opening their box. Noel is a big fan of gunge as he enjoys reveling in the humiliation that it causes the gungee. On January 3 2006, the unfortunate contestant, Nick Bain, was left - after taking out eight consecutive red (high value) boxes - with a bath and a pony. He said "No Deal" to The Wanker's offer of £30, subsequently visited the ninth player from the left, told him to swap with the second player next to Noel Edmonds and kill the seventh player from the right, then swapped his box for the arse-kicking box. He had earlier said 'No Deal' to an offer of £9,000.

On March 1, 2006, Trevor Bruce also went home with an arse-kicking. He was left with £0.5, £250 and, amazingly, the highest figure, £250,000, as his last three boxes. £250,000 was then revealed before he said "No Deal" to the Wanker's offer of £99. He declined the chance to swap boxes and then opened his own box, which contained a boot, to which Noel used to kick him with.

Look at this silly old twat. Do you honestly think anybody ever loved him?

On Good Friday, Fadil Osman also got an arse-kicking. He got so mad, and smashed his box. he turned down an offer of 7,200 and some out of date Mars Bars. He said No Deal, and got a arse kicking from Liam Gallagher.

On April 25, Dave Ellis Mackeral Bob got a kicking from Paul 'Bonehead' Arthurs and Steve Coogan. Look at that face!

The other 1p wins were Father Christmas (20 June 2006), Bob Mackeral (89 July 2008) Lynsey Foster (8 Dec 2006) and God (25 Dec 2006).


The other lowest wins are Raj (November 29 2005) who won just 10p, and three contestants have left with £1 - Mike (March 2 2006), Barbara (March 20 2006) Angelina Jolie (March 31 2006) and Another Complete Dumbass (June 3 2006)


Chickens who dealt before winning 49% shares of Channel 4[edit]

These Chickens never got 49% share:

A Hairy Bogey 10/11/05.

John Cleese 24/11/05

Hitler 11/02/06

Uwe Bole 25/02/06

Corn Puff 07/03/06

The Sex Pistols 28/03/06

Super Mario 24/05/06

Mr. T 17/06/06

Jesus Christ 03/12/06

A Really Rich, Full of Himself Prick 12/12/06

E. T. 17/12/06

Tony Blair 31/12/06

An Angry crab Driver 07/01/07 ( Messed with the rules and actually won it)

Jade Goody 28/01/07

Sooty 12/03/07

Mr. Mick O'Leg McNolegs 26/03/07

The Wanker[edit]

The end credits state that the off-screen Wanker is played by "Himself". He has, on occasion, talked to the player via the Bakelite telephone on the contestant's desk. The character was called "The Drug-Dealer" in pre-publicity for the show; evidently, the name was changed before recording started (possibly to avoid any connotations of the drugs which Mr Blobby supplies to Noel).

The identity of The Banker has not been revealed - one theory is that it is Noel's sister in law Mr Blobby, although he has refused to either confirm or deny this in the past, continuing to refer to The Banker in the third person. However, it is clear that whoever is "playing" The Banker has some considerable innuendo skills, as the offers and Banker's banter frequently respond to a homosexual gesture/saying/showing/strip-tease that Noel has done. Also, when contestants are handed the phone The Banker frequently is able to make them dissolve into hysterics with his unheard chat. This would suggest that Mr. Blobby is indeed the public voice of The Banker, as he has had previous homosexual experiences. Indeed, when Noel appears on the screen, an unzipping noise can be heard coming from the wankers phone

It is a largely unknown fact that the person who played The Banker for the first episode was sacked after it was found out what he was saying to Noel Edmonds on the phone. In relation to that, it is currently unknown whether the current Noel Edmonds is actually the person who played Noel Edmonds in the first episode. Many conspiracy theorists claim that he is in fact played by Jesus.

The Daily Mirror and Jo Whiley reported on April 3, 2006 that the actual offers made by the Banker were calculated by Glenn and two 'Executives' (believed to be Mr T. and a black nerd with some glasses on...oh sh*t, err..I mean Sir Trevor McDonald).

On March 23, 2006, contestant Dave, mentioned about Chinese New Year. The Banker said that whilst Dave was born in the year of the dog, the banker himself was born in the Chinese year of the dragon. This gives a clue to his age, probably marmalade or trampoline years old. Although The Banker's speaking voice has never been heard on-screen, he has been clearly heard masturbating several times to date, when Noel has held the telephone within audible distance to his microphone on his shirt. The first time was during the end of the Nick "I Love Noel" Bain's Round House Kick to the FACE show.

On April 1, 2006, the end credits stated that The Banker's name is Richard Oldman. This however, was an April Fool's Day joke (believed to be oo funny, several viewers complained because the levels of comedy were too high); Richard Oldman is an anagram of 'Mr Blobby'!

On May 29 2006 the Banker did not turn off the lights in his room and it was revealed that he actually is John "Bradshaw" Layfield. Go figure.

Not all ideas for game shows are good ones.

Spin-offs[edit]

The show has spawned several unsuccessful spin-offs, the least notable being Dill or No Dill, in which contestants attempt to identify various different types of pickles.

Thankfully, it was cancelled before the first episode ever aired, and all copies of the one episode that was filmed have been destroyed.

Other Spin-offs are "Dole or No Dole" currently being broadcast on ITV 84 and Bill or no Bill where the contestants have a chance to legally not pay their bills, and "Meal or No Meal" were players have to choose between 22 boxes each with a different food for the chef to cook.

A new version of "Deal Or No Deal" will be on ITV 84 for america & Channel 7 for Australia and New Zealand , which will be named "Laid or No Laid". Which is also a G rated show for All Ages, hosted by Michael Jackson's corpse. This TV show will come out in 2015 in what could be the biggest Spin-Off in history, bigger than "Meal or No Meal". The game will have names in their suitcase which indicates who will be raped by the dead Michael Jackson. All the children with their names in it will have to be sitting front row of the studio (naked).

Also a new spin-off is in progrss its going to take place in Zimbabwe But there will be food in the suitcase and the name will be

Meal or no meal

The most recently announced spin-off planned to air in the late summer-winter of 2012 is "Real or No Real", in which contestants attempt to guess whether they exist or not, whether the boxes exist, and what the meaning of life really is. Unfortunately, no one cares about these fuckers, and so the ratings were falling like stale pianos out of the sky with lots of meat draping off their sides. "Real or No Real" counteered by using their amazing mind powers to "unReal" the people who canceled them. Thus, the show is in an odd state of limbo-y-ness, not truly existing nor not existing.

The Deal or No Deal Cheap Twats Show[edit]

The Deal or No Deal Cheap Twats Show was a spin off show of Deal or No Deal, in which several low amount winners are placed in a house for ten months with no food and being forced to have sex with Mr. Blobby. The idea of the show was to laugh at the stupid cunts who spent weeks opening boxes in front of a pathetic man with a fake beard, only to go on and win what they could've found on the streets. Episode one was shown on 21/12/06, and viewing numbers were as high as 9.66 million. A special Christmas episode was shown where the contestants each got a kick in the face, and were all told that Santa was real.

Show Catchphrases[edit]

File:Someblokeforgottenhisname.jpg

As well as the obvious "Deal or No Deal?", Edmonds has introduced a variety of common sayings and catchphrases to the show. He has met with varying success and these terms have come and gone. The language used in the show has, however, become an integral part of the game play and drama as has Edmonds' dramatic gestures, tone and flamboyant movement around the set and in the audience.

A selection of Noel's and contestants catchphrases:

  • "It's 45 minutes of random guessing and opening boxes. How are you buying this shit? There's no skill invovled at all!"
  • "boredom, tiny beards and wacky shirts." - the three key steps to success in Deal or No Deal, according to Edmonds.
  • "Where the Fuck do you buy your shirts?" - The question everyone wants to ask Noel.
  • "Blues Cruise, 'avin a booze, OMG U'S SLOOZE" - opening several "blue" numbers in succession.
  • "YOU COMMUNISTS!" - said to contestants who appear to lean to the left of the political spectrum
  • "The Power Five" - the top 5 sums of money. (Variations include "The Power Four", "The Power Six", "The Power Twenty-Two", and "The Power Puff Girls")
  • "OPEN THE FUCKING BOX!" - usually accompanied by a flamboyant, and often homosexual gesture.
  • "The right deal, at the right time!"
  • "Keep it low, keep it so, suck my dick, you dirty ho."
  • "Play the money, don't play with my tiny beard you biatch."
  • "I think you'll be back." said badly like Arnold Schwasticanigger
  • "It's your show, but if you do anything other than pick random boxes, you will be shot down." - Edmonds likes to emphasize that the player is in total control
  • "Channel 4 is shit." - another phrase that Edmonds likes to emphasize that channel 4 is shit
  • "We know what we don't want to see... zoophilia!"
  • "NOT the quarter of a million, NOT the hundred thousand, NOT Oscar Wilde!"
  • "Did I say BANG AND THE DIRT IS GONE?"
  • "What'll it be [insert name of old man or woman], 1p, or the box for you?" - Most people don't realize what he means for a good few seconds.
  • "We do not want to see a quarter of a testicle in that box... that would be disgusting"
  • "That's the safety net gone!" - when the net into which Noel falls has gone, leaving a gaping hole in the floor exposed.
  • "We have a one-box game!" - Used when Noel completely forgets about there being 22 boxes and then imitates people with Downs Syndrome and shags a contestant picked randomly - no matter what their gender.
  • "Put your hands up for Detroit! I love this city!"
  • "YOU SILLY TWAT!" - said to those who deal too early
  • "We are now pissing on my territory."
  • "We do not want to see a quarter of a testicle in that box...that would be disgusting."
  • "Fuck the game, let's have an orgy"
  • "We don't want to see a quarter of a testicle in that box - that would be disgusting."
  • "Welcome to NOELs NEARLY THERE BEARD, IS HIS BEARD HEAR OR THERE OR NOWRER?." - normally used at the beginning of the show
  • "Good afternoon/evening Baldies. Good afternoon/evening Twats." - Noel's greeting at the start of the show.
  • "Welcome to the annoying, over enthusiastic, probably homosexual players club." - Another phrase used at the beginning of the show
  • "We don't want to see any black men!"
  • "We don't want to see your tits!"
  • "No Betty, we don't want to see you open your box and masturbate?"
  • "Take the Walk of Wealth!" - to selected contestant
  • "Don't be seduced by the beard!"
  • "This is the best game we have ever had - completely boring too!"
  • "Will you just shut the fuck up and pick a god damn box?" - Noel's "prompt" when a contestant is attempting to launch their own career in comedy.
  • "OMFG STFU N00B, I AM 1337"
  • "Why did you deal, You cheap Cunt"
  • "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! STFU AND PISS OFF!!!" - said to a contestant who ruins a promising run by revealing the £250,000
  • Contestants have also taken to saying "Ask me the question please, Noel" when they have decided whether or not they are going to deal. Noel then says "I will ask you the fucking question when I want you fat cunt - it's my fucking show tithead. Why don't you go suckle a cow." (cut to non-existent banker phone call where the banker supposedly comes up with a reply...but there's actually no-one there. Again.
  • "Bite the pillow cowboy, this ones going in dry"
  • (Picks up the phone) Hello!? (Listen for a while) Sorry, wrong number! (put phone down and storm off like there is no tomorrow!)
  • It's ok! (usually said after revealing £250,000)
  • Blue! Blue! Blue! Blue! - Because if you say if enough then it will become true
  • You've turned the game around! - After discovering the £750 and the only red left is £1000
  • Oh shut up Noel, you knob, I've just realized this game sucks.
  • Nothing - Said by the imaginary banker who isn't on the phone who doesn't actually exist.
  • Don't touch the power five man! - Said by Noel in a terrible Jamaican accent.
  • I'm Noely fucking Edmonds man! You fuck with me, you fuckin with the best! - said to those who fuck with Noel.

Finally, the two sides the contestants stand on have been nicknamed the "RIGHT-WING SCUM" and the "LEFT-WING SCUM".

the banker on deal or no deal has to be the person you least expect. I know. Its me . I'm Mr Blobby and i live down Noel Edmond's pants feeding of his belly button fluff. I also am his wife and we love each other. So much that im' now gay and have converted to the religion of pink and crazy shirt worship with a dabble into interbred goat worship.

Contestant Advice[edit]

When contestants are sat on the chair playing their game they love nothing more than the box dwellers giving helpful words of advice and encouragement that they would have never been able to think up themselves. These include...

  • It's real money.
  • If you take out the higher numbers your next offer won't be as big.
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