Dear Sperm Donor,
By the time you read this, I'll be relocated to a secret tropical hide-out, drinking fruit drinks and living a life in luxury for the money I drained from your bank account this morning (so long sucker, HAHAHAHAHA!!!).
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but this world simply isn't big enough for the both of us.
I know this might seem like a big surprise
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to blow up the moon together, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.
I want to tell you that I think you are exceptionally undistinguished, in a boring, non-threatening way, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a Sagittarius,
and I am on my own plane of psychological existence.
You like other men, dating circus midgets, and making faces at babies until they cry,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date our own mirror images.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone mentions the words "obesity", "fat" and/or "pig" in my presence.
I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, nah; I'm just screwing with you.
Take care of yourself and never forget that I have the Infinity Gauntlet and is thus the supreme being of this universe.
Viva la revolution,
~ The collective members of your band.
P.S. It was me who assassinated J.F. Kennedy. D.S.
Featured Article
