Death Adder
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“He was killed by Death Adder.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Golden Axe (his profile page, rather.)
Death=Adder (read as 'Death equals Adder', and widely mistaken to be read as "Death [spacing, which is not verbally read] Adder") was believed to be a ruthless tyrant who oppressed people living in a post-pre-historic, post-Herculoids age. However, it was revealed that he was none other than Sérgio Mallandro playing his most elaborate "Pegadinha do Mallandro" yet.
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[edit] The 'PEGADINHAS DO MALLANDRO'
Aspiring recognition after moving to Brazil, Mallandro had decided to become an actor. However, silly parts in movies and soap operas did not interest him in the least. To prove himself a Mallandro at it's finest, he decided he should use his acting skills to reshape the world around ourselves as we know it. Thus, the 'Pegadinhas do Mallandro' were born.
'Pegadinhas do Mallandro' is an unstranslatable term at best. One of the closest approximations would be "Mallandro's Little Get's", although several English majors consider such to be "gramatically incorrect", while Portuguese speakers know much of the context and subtleties contained within the original term are irrevocably lost in the transition. In spite of that, we will use this term for the rest of the article to easen comprehension.
Much like modern days' Artistic Installations and Interventions, Mallandro's Little's Get's managed to be a work of art that were far more interactive than others. The objectiveness of the subjective actions which exposed society's hypocrisy and convenience mechanisms in a Mallandronic way never ceased to amuse the masses, although the Elite was left discontempted with the aspiring star. Which led Mallandro to his most ambitious project yet, and also to his eating the bread that the devil smashed.
[edit] How Death=Adder was Born
Although a mild popular success, Mallandro wasn't satisfied with his Little Get's results and impact on society as a whole. He sought higher goals and heights. As time went on, people even started to claim that instead of spontaneous reactions from unaware people, Mallandro's Little Get's featured only trained actors and Mallandro's social commentary began to lose it's impact.
On the back of his head, Mallandro realized everything he had to do to achieve absolute success. After injecting upon himself an overdosis of high-grade Mallandronina, Mallandro built himself a Time Machine and travelled to the Age Lost In Time. After getting to his destination, he was gretted by a homoerotic muscular man sporting a wine-colored mask and scantily-clad armor. He was immediately attracted to Mallandro, but was vaporized by his trademark Sonic Shriek (also commonly known as "The RÁÁÁÁÁÁÁ!!! Scream"), leaving behind only his armor and a humongous axe.
Facing the empty armor, Mallandro immediately knew what to do. He decided he was going to give the Greatest Spectacle the Earth Has Ever Seen of All Time. He donned the armor, took the axe into his hands, and stormed the nearest village, killing all of it's inhabitants. However, he felt something was missing, and decided it were dinosaurs. Mallandro returned to his Time Machine and travelled back in time to prevent their extinction, and upon returning to the Age Lost In Time, found it crowded with mutant chicken-saurs and dragons (putting end to the debate whether dragons are - or not - evolved from dinosaurs).
Although looking like a needless diversion, the 'dinosaurs' were a keypoint in Mallandro's epic vision, as it would lead people to believe they were watching a movie when everything they were witnessing was real (basically everything World War II aspires to, but will never be).
After he onslaughted the people in the village, Mallandro sighted an old man approaching the bloody scene and mumbling words in his primitive dialect. Thanks to the side-effects of Mallandronina, Mallandro understood he was saying he "came to their village and added death to the people". From that day on, he became the Death=Adder.
[edit] Executing a Plan
After the bloody massacre, Mallandro built himself a castle by addicting a few worthless peasants to Mallandronina and waited until armies came to make him pay for what he had done.
However, they were so god damn scared of Death=Adder, that nobody dared to fight him back.
This was remedied by yet another Time Travel performed by Mallandro, who snatched a man known as Diogo Mainardi and had him pose as Death=Adder for two hours. After half of that time went by, the world declared war on the masked opressor.
Of all of the world's army, only three people made it to the Death=Adder's lair. They were an effeminate metrosexual warrior wearing a red and white spandex, a tough as nail lesbian who walked around topless, and a midget who killed his enemies by shoving his own head inside their asses.
In the following combat, Mallandro, who was already back as Death=Adder, pretended to be defeated and murdered by his own axe which fell from his hands during the last blow delivered by the midget (who tried to anal probe him). As the trio rejoiced upon his defeat, Mallandro got himself up from the ground, shoved the armor and the axe aside and yelled, both his hands opened:
“PEGADINHA DO MALLANDRO!!!! RÁÁÁÁÁÁÁ!!!! SALCI FUFU!!!!”
~ Sérgio Mallandro on Drugs
It had all come full circle.
[edit] Back to the Future
With the shooting for "The Greatest Spectacle the Earth Has Ever Seen of All Time: Serginho Mallandro's Ultimate Little Get's " done, Mallandro prepared to take his rightful throne as a World Famous celebrity and most influent person on the face of the Earth. As such, he wanted to assure himself his social commentary wouldn't come without merchandise to complement the dual antagonism the world faces ever since the invention of dildos.
Sergio talked over with CCE, the premiere Phantom System (the console that predated the NES and that Nintendo shamelessly ripped off) software developer, about creating a game based on "Serginho Mallandro's Ultimate Little Get's".
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