Delhi

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Delhi is one of the largest cities of India. Being the the capital of India, almost all prominent Indian politicians reside in Delhi. As a consequence, Delhi has the highest concentration of corrupt people in world.

Delhi is also regarded as the home of the world's most snobbish people. Anyone entering Delhi has to undergo an ego test - if the Ego Quotient (EQ) score of the person is below 140, then he is denied entry into the city. Also, Delhi is known as the "slang language capital of the world." Every person is required to make abusive gestures and remarks at least 87 times a day otherwise the Police will put the person behind bars.

Delhi is one of the populous cities in the world. There are more than 23 million cows, 5 million politicians and 18 million normal civilians residing in Delhi.

Administration and people[edit]

Delhi is called the "city of seven vampires". The city of Delhi has never been ruled by the Bharatiya Jokers Party (BJP), which is as all-embracing, secular and liberal as the Republican Party in the United States of America. Deli is ruled by Chief Minister Sheila Dickshit, whose name is funny and is often the source of many puerile jokes.

Delhi is also known for its many phirang babes: the white gals working in the embassies and foreign educational foundations and more recently in IT companies. Its usually easy to spot them by looking for the blue number plates of the "Communiwue Diplomatique," "CD" or "UN" cars. Also the home of KI the silly animal.

Delhi residents, contemptuously called Dilliwalas by non-Dilliwallas, are known for their loose eye-sockets...'cos their eyes pop out of their sockets when in the vicinity of good cleavages and roll down the narrow path. Dilliwalas are also known as the ultimate examples of healthy grown up Indian males. The healthy grown up Indian male is a thing to be feared by all of Delhi's females, except the very healthy and very grown up females among them who terrorize healthy, grown up Delhi males in a reverse phenomena by poking their balls with sharp hairpins and repeating ninja kicks to their face - performed usually in DTC buses in full public glare to instill fear.

People from Bihar come regularly to Delhi as migrant workers (but they never go back -- strange) and more prominently to prepare phaar the renowned IIT-JEE...bringing in their own vocabulary to corrupt the already corrupted Dilli Bhaasha, now also called Indianese...coming in as homely and mom loving Bihari's...given time the word becomes "Be Harry." This transition to "Be Harry" marks their complete Delicacy-ness and they graduate from being "migrant" to "permanent" eyesores in Delhi's busy aisles.

India has about 50,000 different languages, but the people of Delhi speak the only officially recognized language in India — Indianese. It is a sort of Indo-Euro-Persian concoction with a lot of words containing the alphabets "k", "x", "z", "q" and "*". The main way of addressing people is with the greeting "BhenChod", which, coincidentally, is also the most-frequently-used word in Delhi. It's considered rude if you do not start a conversation with "payncho" and end it with one besides repeating it several times in every sentence. A normal conversation about something as innocuous as Deli's yogurt would go like this: Bhen chod ye dahi hai ki rubber ki chappal -- Bhen Chod mood kharab kar diya in bhen chodon ne. payncho.<---payncho is what some stupid Indian wrote who has never been to India . What a bhen chod..

Delhi is also the seat of the Prime Minister and the President of India. They both sit behind the cashier.

The world famous Taj Mahal is only an hour away from Delhi, and is man's greatest erection for a woman.

Recent incidents in Delhi of several "Be Harry" folks losing their wallets has led to a generalization in "Be Harr" that "All Dilliwalas are chors"...the standard retort of the Dilliwala to this is "All Be Harry's are careless fools."

One of the most famous (and smallest) parts of Deli is NOIDA (which any self respecting deli -ite calls NEODA) - which is so small that even the name had to be abbreviated

History[edit]

The amazing symbol of the Dilliwala's virility
Provided by an old Indie king to help the gals of da world

It's hard to think of Deli as anything but the capital of India but for a surprisingly long time Deli was not the hot seat of power as it is today - it was just a seat.

Having said that, however, it's also true that Deli was never exactly a sidekick but a dude on the scene of Indian history. All through its long innings, the present capital of India has been an important "Kabab kee haddi". Reasons for this might be found in Deli's geographic location. Deli has always been a convenient link between Central Asia, the terrorist Northwest Frontiers and the rest of the country.

An inscription dating from the time of a cool bro named Asoka, the famous Mauryan king, tells us that Deli was on the great Northern highway of the Mauryas and linked their capital Patliputra (near modern Patna, Bihar) with Taxila (named so because he never got his taxes from there i.e. Tax illa) -- also called Takshila and now in Pakistan.

It's rumoured that Pakistan pays taxes to Taxila these days instead of it being the other way around). This was apparently the route that Buddhist monks took on their way to Taxila, the conversion hotbed in those days, and Central Asia.

What one can read between the lines is that it was also the route that the Mauryan armies took en route to playing with the frequent rebellions by chicks in Kalinga and foreign insurgencies in Taxila and other such border trouble spots. So, this gave Deli considerable oomph factor in history compared with the oomph factor it is accorded nowadays.In fact, rumour has it that the Qutub Minar is actually a fossilized life scale model of some rich king dude's erect penis.

Most rebuilt city[edit]

Deli has an antiquity dating to 50,00099¢ BC when Pandu used to rule Hastinapur: It is rumoured that Deli now s(h)its where Hastinapur once stood. This rumour originated in the Usenet in 40,00099¢ BC, spread by two sex starved post-graduate students of electrical engineering in the University of Wherever, Someville, North America, and the it still ricochets in Usenet's annals - you can hear it if you can figure out how to access Usenet. Since then Deli has been destroyed or pillaged by scourges like man, nature or self and re-established several times. Some of it's old names were:

Lal Kot or Qila Rai Pithora Date:- 1060 AD; built by Rajput Tomaras. 12th century; captured and enlarged by the Rajput king Prithviraj Chauhan. Site:- QutubMinar-Mehraulicomplex. Remains:- Very little remains of the original Lal Kot. of the 13 gates of Rai Pithora fort, now only three remain (The ones with the most interesting graffiti were marked for conservation of creative ideas).

Ferozabad Date:- 1354 AD; by Feroze Tughlaq. It remained the capital until Sikander Lodi moved to Agra. Site:- Kotla Feroze Shah. Remains:- Only the Asoka Pillar rising from the ruins remains like -- again -- the so many symbols of Dilliwalas virility dotting Deli. There is also a stadium for cricket in Deli, called Feroze Shah Kotla grounds people often go to urinate when they feel like urinating. It is also serves as a busy bus stop.

Jahanpanah Date:- Mid-14th century. Built by Mohammad- bin-Tughlaq, the lunatic king. Actually he had some brilliant ideas but fumbled badly in their execution and was a perhaps thought a bit ahead of his times. Site:- Between Siri and Qutub Minar. Remains:- A few remnants of the ramparts used for warding attackers in defense.

Dilli Sher Shahi (Shergarh) In 1534 . . . This Deli was actually started by Humayun, the second Mughal emperor. After he was defeated and forced into exile, his far more able challenger Sher Shah Suri completed it. Site:- Opposite the zoo. Around Purana Qila. Remains:- High gates, walls, mosque and a great baoli (well...), Kabuli and Lal Darwaza gates and the Sher Mandal.

New Delhi In 1920s. The formal announcement to move the Angrez seat of power from Calcutta to Deli was made during the famous Deli Durbar in 1911 wherein the hefty and bulky Dilliwalas subjugated their relatively thin Bong brethren in a bout of Deli style danga. Contractors and workers, working from the designs of a phirang named Edward Lutyens (who never visited Deli - he thought he was designing a capital for India to be located in the American Prairies - thus the wide, flat, spatial designs of Deli now) completed the main buildings in 20 years flat. Since then, Deli has remained the capital of India.

Remains of Lutyen's Deli:- All the main British buildings, which include the spacious bungalows of the now elite New Deli area: the President's House (A neglected oldie's house who is given the house 'cos everyone likes him but no one wants him powerful), the Parliament( India's adaptation of the famous World Wrestling Federation) and Supreme Court (The Janta Kaa Durbar adaptation of modern India where you strike the big bell at the haloed entrance - like in the hindi movies - for justice to be dispensed to you. The only difference is that the Supreme Court's big bell has been out-of-order for several decades now) .

Deli today[edit]

Deli has been growing faster than the speed of light since creation (light hasn't reached the boundaries of the National Capital Region (NCR), yet !!), while India has been shrinking. Deli, economists estimate (specially that guy, the turban topped Montek Singh Ahluwalia), may soon overgrow into a monstrous and ugly food mart, fed on radioactive waste, and outgrow a fast shrinking India. If such an event occurs, India will collapse into Deli and also rein in neighbours like Pakistan and Bangladesh perched on the event horizon (see black hole for a technical, stochastic model of this) - this fear haunts the living daylights of all non-Dilliwalas. Economists are unable to time the exact date of this event (see the stochastic model to understand why) save indicate that it's likely to occur soon.

The turn of the century has seen delhi citizens' pedestrian habits evolve from simple jaywalking to the more complex manoeuvre of walking into the path of oncoming blueline buses. The blueline buses have pulled off the greatest feat of camouflage since a wolf put on sheep's clothing by painting temselves green while maintaining that they are blueline buses. This has successfuly fooled Delhiites into believing that they are at risk only if a Blue coloured bus crashes into them. Unfortunately it is too late by the time they realise, much to their dismay, that they have had wool pulled over their eyes. Consequently the blueline bus association is much sought after by the RAW(the indian espionage agency) for the purpose of training a new breed of super spies, who can actually cross the Pakistani border without getting shot.

anyways, delhi recently won some international award for largest no. of metro accidents, largest no. of rapes within city limits and most chaotic traffic system.

delhi is very eco-friendly city. long before event the term "global warming" was coined, delhi people knew about how great mess it is going to create. so, until today cycle-rickshaws and hand-pulled rickshaws exist even in the downtown of the city.

delhi government has created a very efficient way to keep a check on migration of people below poverty line. they created a system called "blue line". it consists of city buses and whose only job is to crush homeless people sleeping on the footpaths of delhi under their wheels.

it is said that indian cities are fast loosing their traditional indian identity, but delhi is the one city which still boasts of its throbbing indian culture. the cow is considered to be holy in hinduism and you will see more cows on the streets of delhi than vehicles.

Palika Bazaar[edit]

Or 'jannat', as Delhi's hormonally imbalanced, drunk on testosterone 16 year old 'tharkis call it. All adult Delhiites are prudes (A.K.A the 'Aunty ji effect')and cannot handle telling their kids about the birds and the bees. To solve this problem the N.C.E.R.T has come up with sex education manuals whose content consists primarily of directions to Palika Bazaar, hoping that kids will get all the knowledge they require from 'Kandi'.

Deli Leaders[edit]

Deli has found some of the most able men and women in history to lead its janta on the path to progress on various fronts. Not all are remembered here but some notable ones who left a deep scar on the psyches of Dilliwalas by the sheer stupidity of their actions are mentioned hereunder:

Sheila Dickshit

Raveena Tandon

Katrina Kaif

Kareena Kapoor

Pamela Anderson

Angelina Jolie

Spiderman

Shaktiman

Butter Chicken

Sarson da saag

Santa Singh

Santa Claus Sing

Deli Smith

Vaishnavi Sharma

Vibhu Tewary

Myself

Oscar Wilde

And Finally You!!!

Jhandewalan n Bikanerwala

Deli Climate[edit]

If you don't know to count 0 to 48, don't worry. The range of temperature will teach you the numbers. The acceleration and deceleration of the temperature can be breathtaking. It takes only 4 months for the temperature to change from 0 to 48 and vice versa.

In the past decade, more than 10000 school kids (boys) have fainted during the afternoon assembly all across Delhi. Few believe, it was because the boys(who were already dehydrated due to high temperatures experienced in June) went on mass masturbation after watching the famous DPS MMS clip.


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