Delta Goodrem

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Delta Goodrem, also known as Delta So Good-rem is an Australian pop singer and soy milk activist. Watching her on late night TV talking about proactive makes you want to punch her head in.

Early Life[edit]

Delta Goodrem was born Dëlëtziâ Gὐdrέom in 1984 whilst the world was still under the rule of Big Brother. She is the daugher of Pierre Montgomery "Dennis" Gὐdrέom and Liza Maye Gὐdrέom. Her parents divorced when she was very young and her father quickly remarried Rapunzel. This marriage produced Gὐdrέom's half siblings, Adolph Hitler Gὐdrέom, Germaine Greer Gὐdrέom and Michael Jackson Gὐdrέom. It is believed that these siblings also became famous under slight modifications of their birth names. She completed her primary schooling in a small shack in Wisconsin. Gὐdrέom dropped out of high school to become an orange picker but was soon scouted for television. In her early career Gὐdrέom was featured in several ads for inexpensive toy companies. She had wanted to be a professional lap dancer but was inspired by the Grammy Award winning music of Paris Hilton to become a hip hop star. Once she was told by her music teacher, Jason Donovan, that she was far too talented to waste her time on hip hop, she set her focus on being a pop singer. Her first single, I Care A Lot, was released in 2002 under the stage name of Deslee Dennis. This single failed miserably, peaking at number 537 on the Australian ARIA chart. It was around this time that Dëlëtziâ fell pregnant to her manager, Glenn Wheatley. The baby was named Frõņċa Wheatley Gὐdrέom and was quickly given up for adoption. Wheatley-Gὐdrέom is now known as Zahara Jolie-Pitt. After failing as Deslee Dennis Gὐdrέom decided to change her look and style. She wrote a power ballad, Born To Try, chopped off her long pink locks and went brunette. Since the name Deslee Dennis was poison, Gὐdrέom decided to pick a new stage name as her birth name was seen as too ethnic. Gὐdrέom removed the 'ëtzi' from her name and anglicised the letters. Gὐdrέom became Goodrem. Delta Goodrem was now an unstobbable force. She joined the cast of Emmy Award winning Neighbours as Nina Tucker, a shy and talented singer. Gὐdrέom also became the new Bonds Girl. She released several singles, all of which did excellent on the charts. However a crushing blow lay ahead for Gὐdrέom.

Cancer Diagnosis[edit]

Gὐdrέom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer with a good success rate. After losing all her hair to chemotherapy, thousands of young girls shaved theirs off in support, not realising that extentions and such that were avaliable to Gὐdrέom were not avaliable to them. During her cancer treatment Gὐdrέom dated 'The Shit' a hairy, smelly tennis player. Once she was all clear he cheated on her with Paris Hilton, causing Gὐdrέom to tear up all posters of her idol and leave threatening messages on Hilton's answering machine.

Return To Fame[edit]

Gὐdrέom bought lots of wigs and released a new single, Potato Flowers on the Dreamtime Moon. It was a chart hit, as well as Gὐdrέom's first dance single. The release of this single caused Paris Hilton to call up Goodrem asking for her permission to use the song in her new blockbuster. Goodrem agreed but told Hilton to dump 'The Shit' and pay $1,000,000. Gὐdrέom met Brian McFadden, a divorced father of two from a failed boy band. Gὐdrέom did not hesitate into jumping into bed with McFadden. This first bonk produced Beethoven, an intellectualy impaired child with a large afro. Gὐdrέom formed a charity 'The People Helping The Retards' or 'TPHTR'. So far TPHTR has raised over $43.70 for the construction of the Beethoven Gὐdrέom-McFadden School. Gὐdrέom and McFadden released a duet which made over a hundred million dollars, all of which was spent constructing a large lake for McFadden to swim in. A year after Beethoven's birth, Gὐdrέom announced that she was pregnant again. Moonbeam Rose Gὐdrέom-McFadden was born nine months later, a musical genuis like both parents. Gὐdrέom then starred in the role that would define her acting career: Hating Alison Ashley, a top budget Australian movie about a girl who is perfect in every way. Gὐdrέom played Alison Ashley, naturally. It was during this movie that Gὐdrέom and McFadden got married. Gὐdrέom's stage name changed again, to Delta McFadden. Gὐdrέom was pregnant at the wedding and Dëlëtziâ Martin Gὐdrέom-McFadden was born soon afterwards. Beethoven Gὐdrέom-McFadden drowned in his family's lake. As a consequence Gὐdrέom ordered the lake to be filled in to prevent Moonbeam or Dëlëtziâ from suffering the same fate. Gὐdrέom is currently recording her fourth album, planned to be dedicated to her late son.

Personal Life[edit]

Gὐdrέom plays a very active role in the lifes of Moonbeam and Dëlëtziâ (known to family and friends as Dee). Once a week Gὐdrέom will take her daughters with her to her favourite nightclub, The Cocksucker. Says Gὐdrέom, "We really enjoy the time together. The cocaine room is off limits and Moonbeam and Dee are only permitted to have two standard drinks. It's family time." Gὐdrέom lives in Northern Alabama with Moonbeam and Dee. McFadden visits every weekend, as he is not permitted to live in America. Gὐdrέom is a strong animal rights activist and believes that only ugly animals should be eaten. Gὐdrέom regularly appears on television with Rove McManus in Australia to publicize which women she would turn gay for. She has so far arranged several threesomes with them and Brian McFadden.

Gὐdrέom as an author[edit]

Gὐdrέom has written several books on her theories of the world. Titles include Delta: Five Women To One Man? and Saucy Cauliflowers and Rocket Cheese: The Effect Simple Vegetables Had On Humanity.

Her Family[edit]

Pierre Gὐdrέom[edit]

A small man of only 4'3", Pierre is extremely proud of his daughter. "I am so happy that Monica has achieved the level of success she has. Oh, we're talking about Dëlëtziâ? I don't care about her. Really. My other daughter Monica is a lawyer, you know" Pierre enjoys orange juice and lemon face masks. He successfully ran an apple farm before retiring to New York to live his dream: sleep in a beanbag.

Liza Maye Andrews (previously Gὐdrέom)[edit]

A relatively kind woman with little amounts of clothing and an even smaller of brain cells, Liza Maye runs a patisserie with her sister Lora Ray. Liza Maye was her daughter's manager until she slept with Gὐdrέom's ex-boyfriend. Liza Maye lives in a cardboard box but claims it is "Nicely furnished"

Rapunzel Gὐdrέom[edit]

Delta's stepmother. Has very long hair and a flair for interior decorating. Rapunzel often takes her step grandaugters, Moonbeam and Dee, shopping. She also babysits them every day.

Monica Gὐdrέom[edit]

Delta's sister. Was born one year after Delta. Monica is a lawyer and has represented her older sister in dozens of cases.

Adolph Gὐdrέom[edit]

Born Adolph Hitler Gὐdrέom, he is Delta's half brother. Left the family at sixteen to elope with Eloise Frank, the daughter of the local Jewish dentist.

Germaine Gὐdrέom[edit]

Delta's half sister, born Germaine Heather Greer Eunice Gὐdrέom. She was a very passive, submissive woman who enjoyed wearing dresses and baking. She was repeatedly raped by her father between his two marriages and then sent to a nunnery. Germaine escaped and lived with her brother Adoplh and his wife Eloise until she started taking a night course in politics at the community college.

Michael Gὐdrέom[edit]

A shy young man who used to sing in clubs under the name Michael Jackson. He receives a Christmas card from Delta every week. He replies with a box of stale biscuits.

Alice Gὐdrέom Andrews[edit]

Delta's half sister who was born to her mother. Liza Maye named her Gὐdrέom so she would belong with her siblings. Alice is constantly seen snorting a white substance and asking Delta for money.

Brian McFadden[edit]

Delta's husband. He resides in Ireland and she in America with their two daughters. Was once a singer, now an obese stripper. Earns $1 an hour and lives with his mother.

Frõņċa Wheatley Gὐdrέom[edit]

Delta's daughter with ex manager Glenn Wheatley. Was adopted by Angelina Jolie soon after birth and renamed Zahara.

Beethoven Gὐdrέom-McFadden[edit]

Delta and Brian's deceased son.

Moonbean Gὐdrέom-McFadden[edit]

Delta's elder daughter. Loud, boisterous and rather ugly. Is believed to have been fathered by an angry troll, not Brian McFadden.

Dëlëtziâ Gὐdrέom-McFadden[edit]

Delta's younger daughter. Her father is believed to be Osama Bin Laden, not Brian McFadden. Enjoys oragami and learning Swedish.

Dobby[edit]

Delta's cousin. They spend every Easter together.

Filmography[edit]

Neighbours - Nina Tucker

Hating Alison Ashley (1976) - Alison Ashley

NEIGHBOURS! The Musical: A Horse and his Companion, Captain Allesandro the Apathetic Hispanic - Nina Tucker

Hating Alison Ashley and her daugter, Abigail Ashley (1996) - Alison Ashley

Hating Alison Ashley's Designer Lifestyle (2000) - Alison Ashley

Alison Ashley Goes Fourth! (2004) - Alison Ashley

Zahara: Teh Untold Story (2008) - Herself

Discography[edit]

I Care A Lot (2000) (As Deslee Dennis)

Born To Try (2002)

I Want Your Love (2002)

Ever Met A Girl Like Me? (2002)

I Have Cancer (2003)

I Don't Have Cancer Anymore (2004)

Engaged To A Beautiful Man (2005)

My Son Is Awesome (2006)

My Beautiful Beethoven (2008)