Democratic Unionist Party
“Oh yeah, those guys make great bagels.”
As the name suggests, the party follows the guiding principle of deeply upsetting as many protestants as possible. Lead by (one time head of the Spanish Inquisition) Cardinal Ian Paisley the party has striven, since 1712, to cause religious offence to as many protestants as possible through strategic, sudden and often violent usage of the words "no", "never" and "banjo". This is very rarely expected by unionists unfortunate enough to be caught in the line of speech (making use of a tactic brought to the party by Cardinal Paisley from his previous position).
“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition”
The DUP was formed in 1712 by the conglomeration of the Deep Protestants Party, the Let's Party Party and Upset (a one-man party lead by raving republican nutter, Cardinal Ian Paisley). At the eighteenth Irish congress the formation of the new party was announced to ciunter rumours of a new unionist party, the Um-Bongo Triads, which later turned out to be a hoax perpetuated by Oscar Wilde. However, the unnecessary foundation of the party did not in any way dampen the spiritts of its members and the party threw itself into many Republican activities, such as bombings, assassinations and candy-floss sales.
Soon, as the largest republican party, the DUP decided to try and take control of the whole of Ireland (although some historians speculate that this was more to protect their lucrative candy-floss business than a power grab)
In 1723 the battle for supremacy in Irish rule and candy-floss (and, to a lesser extent, other fairground snacks) manufacture came to a head. The DUP, as a major extremist party wanted control and decided that the best place to start would be in the boggy wasteland of Mayo. On the evening of November 8 1723; Cardinal Paisley, armed with a particularly sharp ball-point pen stormed the primary meeting house of the town of Mayo (which was a small hut approximated 8' square at the time) whilst two IRA men blocked the door with pitchforks. Cardinal Paisley announced that he was taking control of Mayo which was met with a resounding grunt from the pig who lived in the pig-stye that Cardinal Paisley had accidentally raided. Committed to the raid, by this point, Cardinal Paisley continued to demand that control of the whole county of Mayo to the very unimpressed pig. Eventually, a band of local militia, alerted by the squeeling of the pig in its attempt to escape Cardinal Paisley's monologue, arrived and arrested Cardinal Paisley, armed with a super-soaker.
Eventually, after a 6 week trial in which Cardinal Paisley denied the charges of treason against him with a resounding 'NO' a record 45,678 times he was found guilty and sentenced to 50 years imprisonment in the penal colony, Austria, where his descendents live today.
Return to power
After Cardinal Paisley's return to Ireland from Austria, with much fanfare and an IRA honour guard the party was reformed and rapidly grew in size to 17 and has grown ever since, 250 years with Cardinal Paisley in control.
The DUP has been accused, by others in the republican movement of using peaceful, political means to achieve its goal (of an Ireland, united in its desire to offend protestants, with hookers and booze); an accusation it strenuously denies. The DUP's despot ruler, Cardinal Ian Paisley, even going so far as to carry the coffins of warriors killed in the struggle.
“The brave IRA martyrs, giving their lives for our freedom from terrorism in their suicide bombings, shall meet 80 virgins in heaven”
Some outside observers have noted that the DUP has been purchasing large quantities of Uranium, possibly so as to arm their organisation with nuclear weapons.
“Uranium? No this is an erection in my pocket”
The DUP has, in recent months, however, eagerly thrown itself into a power-sharing agreement with the major unionist party in Northern Ireland, Sinn Fein. The exact reasons for the sudden change of attitude by the DUP has not been revealed, but many believe it to have been the result of intense negotiations behind closed doors between Cardinal Paisley and Sinn Fein leader, Gerry Adams which was ended abrupty with a shout of, "oh, yes, yes, yes!", from Cardinal Paisley. Commentators are still at odds as to exactly what the negotiations consisted of, but a few notable theories are outlined below:
“Do you really need me to spell it out?”
“Well, it's obvious, Adams and Paisley had just won a stonking pile of cash on a TV phone in quiz. Now being set for life they decided not to bother fighting any more and just use their influence to further their wealth”
“You do need me to spell it out? Cake baking.”
“Well, I don't know exactly, but it seems that they were agreeing on something a lot, so they were probably talking about what a serious bunch of stuck of tossers the French are”
Long Term Plans
The DUP has been active in long term planning and has published, to the amusement of many, a 25-point-plan for world domination:
- We demand the unification of all Irelanders in the Greater Ireland on the basis of the right of self-determination of peoples.
- We demand equality of rights for the Irish people in respect to the other nations; abrogation of the peace treaties of Good Friday & St. Andrews.
- We demand land and territory (colonies) for the sustenance of our people, and colonization for our surplus population (Hong Kong would be nice).
- Only a member of the Irish race can be a citizen. A member of the race can only be one who is of Irish blood, without consideration of creed. Consequently no Unionist can be a member of the race.
- Whoever has no citizenship is to be able to live in Ireland only as a guest, and must be under the authority of legislation for foreigners. Englishmen will be routinely flogged as an example to other foreigners who may be considering stepping out of line.
- The right to determine matters concerning administration and law belongs only to the citizen. Therefore we demand that every public office, of any sort whatsoever, whether in the Reich, the county or municipality, be filled only by citizens. We combat the corrupting parliamentary economy, office-holding only according to party inclinations without consideration of character or abilities.
- We demand that the state be charged first with providing the opportunity for a livelihood and way of life for the citizens. If it is impossible to sustain the total population of the State, then the members of foreign nations (non-citizens) are to be expelled from the Reich.
- Any further immigration of non-citizens is to be prevented. We demand that all non-Irish, who have immigrated to Ireland since the 2 August 1914, be forced immediately to leave the Reich. Also, any who have emigrated away are to return.
- All citizens must have equal rights and obligations.
- The first obligation of every citizen must be to work both spiritually and physically. The activity of individuals is not to counteract the interests of the universality, but must have its result within the framework of the whole for the benefit of all Consequently we demand:
- Abolition of unearned (work and labour) incomes. Breaking of rent-slavery.
- In consideration of the monstrous sacrifice in property and blood that each war demands of the people personal enrichment through a war must be designated as a crime against the people. Therefore we demand the total confiscation of all war profits.
- We demand the nationalisation of all (previous) associated industries (trusts).
- We demand a division of profits of all heavy industries and those of the Guinness brewery.
- We demand an expansion on a large scale of old age welfare.
- We demand the creation of a healthy middle class and its conservation, immediate communalization of the great warehouses and their being leased at low cost to small firms, the utmost consideration of all small firms in contracts with the State, county or municipality.
- We demand a land reform suitable to our needs, provision of a law for the free expropriation of land for the purposes of public utility, abolition of taxes on land and prevention of all speculation in land and peat bogs.
- We demand struggle without consideration against those whose activity is injurious to the general interest. Common national criminals, usurers, Schieber and so forth are to be punished with death, without consideration of confession or race. Death may be substituted with something equally unpleasant, such as having to listen to the Spice Girls for an afternoon.
- We demand substitution of a German common law in place of the Roman Law serving a materialistic world-order.
- The state is to be responsible for a fundamental reconstruction of our whole national education program, to enable every capable and industrious Irishman to obtain higher education and subsequently introduction into leading positions. The plans of instruction of all educational institutions are to conform with the experiences of practical life. The comprehension of the concept of the State must be striven for by the school as early as the beginning of understanding. We demand the education at the expense of the State of outstanding intellectually gifted children of poor parents without consideration of position or profession. Unless they're protestants, in which case we'll just throw their children to a crocodile.
- The State is to care for the elevating national health by protecting the mother and child, by outlawing child-labor, by the encouragement of physical fitness, by means of the legal establishment of a gymnastic and sport obligation, by the utmost support of all organizations concerned with the physical instruction of the young.
- We demand abolition of the mercenary troops and formation of a national army to support a phased plan for the implementation of world domination.
- We demand legal opposition to known lies and their promulgation through the press. In order to enable the provision of an Irish press, we demand, that: a. All writers and employees of the newspapers appearing in the Gaelic language be members of the race: b. Non-Irish newspapers be required to have the express permission of the State to be published. They may not be printed in the Gaelic language (or English, which will be banned): c. Non-Irish are forbidden by law any financial interest in Irish publications, or any influence on them, and as punishment for violations the closing of such a publication as well as the immediate expulsion from the Reich of the non-Irish concerned. Publications which are counter to the general good are to be forbidden. We demand legal prosecution of artistic and literary forms which exert a destructive influence on our national life, and the closure of organizations opposing the above made demands.
- We demand freedom of religion for all religious denominations within the state so long as they do not endanger its existence or oppose the moral senses of the Irish race. The Party as such advocates the standpoint of a positive (non-protestant) Christianity without binding itself confessionally to any one denomination (so long as it's not protestant). It combats the Protestant-materialistic spirit within and around us, and is convinced that a lasting recovery of our nation can only succeed from within on the framework: The good of the Cardinal Paisley before the good of the individual.
- For the execution of all of this we demand the formation of a strong central power in the Reich. Unlimited authority of the central parliament over the whole Reich and its organizations in general. The forming of state and profession chambers for the execution of the laws made by the Reich within the various states of the confederation. The leaders of the Party promise, if necessary by sacrificing their own lives, to support by the execution of the points set forth above without consideration.
“No, no, no, no, no”
During the latter part of the 20th century, Republican quasi-terrorist organisations, such as the DUP, were the focus of much international attention and generous charitable donation. For instance, during the years 1978 to 1984 it is believed that as much as £3.76Billion was fed to the DUP's paramilitary wing, the IRA,[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] from various countries in the new world, most notably from Argentina. However, of recent years, the favoured position of Catholic terrorist organisations has slipped with the rise in fashionable new religions. This has resulted in several previously unheard of terrorist organisations gaining a foothold in the generous hearts of many in the world. The DUP's dominant position in world terrorism has been under serious threat, most notably from Buddhist terrorists. The DUP has, thus, sought other revenue streams with which to fund its nefarious activities and has taken to assasinations for hire, low-level enforcement, Acting tough on TV and selling home-made quilts (and similar plush items) from a small market stall in Cork.