Dennis Quaid

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“Who the fuck is Dennis Quaid?”

“Who the hell is Gary Coleman?”

~ The Rest of the World

“Dennis makes me feel like a woman again”

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dennis Quaid.

We don't know much about this legend, all we know is that Dennis Quaid is a hero. We first noticed him when a huge wave crashed over New York City in the feature film "The Day After Tomorrow", And his most favourite quote that left some of us baffled by its ultimate coolness was "I will come for you Sam, I will come for you", It was sexually hilarious and left us wanting more.

Dennis Quaid's fanbase grew more and more by each day. Women named their children Dennis Quaid, Children idolized Dennis Quaid, Toys were made of Dennis Quaid and even Dennis Quaid was astounded by Dennis Quaid--

We aren't surprised, After all...he's Dennis Quaid.


We pay tribute to Dennis[edit]

Dennis is a man who is a horrible actor,we pay tribute to that. With his very wrinkly face and gay attitude, We only really like his name...Cuz' its not that gay. 8D

Dennis Quaid's Film Career[edit]

Dennis Quaid has starred in a number of feature films, ranging from the absolutely horrible to the mildy terrible. Namely, Dragonheart set the standard for bad Dennis Quaid movies, not to mention bad fantasy movies, bad movies with dragons, bad movies with red heads, bad movies with Sean Connery, bad movies with hearts, and bad movies where Sean Connery voices the stupid fucking dragon. The best Dennis Quaid movie that comes to mind is probably "The Alamo", because even though Billy Bob Thornton stole the fucking show, There were at least two scenes featuring the drunken, overly Texan, and overbearingly gruff Sam Houston, who sounds like he's just gargled with Turpentine and Jack Daniels after eating a box of razorblades.

Then again, if "The Alamo" was basically your fault, you'd growl a lot too. Seriously, the Mexicans beat us. The FUCKING MEXICANS beat US. US as in US America. Not just America, but Texas, home of the craziest fucking Americans known to man. I mean how does that even happen? I know we were outnumbered like 10 to 1, and we were unprepared, and it was siege warfare, and we had women and children, and Billy Bob wasn't playing his role from Bad Santa, (Cause there is no way Willy would've taken half the shit the Mexicans gave) but still.

Dennis Quaid has also starred in brilliant films such as:

Inner Space: Pretty much a movie about a man who is shrunken and injected into Martin Short's ass and he spends the next 2+ hours trying to get out, it's fucking miserable.


The Rookie: An old guy starts playing REAL baseball after being goaded for an hour by his high school baseball team members. One of them was that guy with the frizzy hair whose mouth is always open, and he just looks like he's gonna be the first to die in a horror flick (And I'm pretty sure he is). He can throw a baseball at like, 1000 mph but it still takes a bunch of convincing for the minor leagues to accept him. Odds are, they saw Dragonheart and were pretty wary.

Jaws 3-D: What can I even say about this. Honestly, what is there for me to say that hasn't been said, or rather thought, because nobody even wasted their fucking time watching this ridiculous film. It's not only a Jaws sequel, it's in three fucking dimensions, which is silly because real life is already in 3-D, so techinically every movie is 3-D unless it's 2-D, and that means it oughta be called Jaws 6-D, and that's probably why no one saw this film, because 6-D isn't even comprehensible. I didn't even see the movie and I am 100% sure of all of this.

Great Balls of Fire: I didn't see this movie either but I heard it was bad. And what the fuck?! Doesn't Quaid's character hook up with Winona Ryder and she's like way too young?! Like 13 or something?! That's messed up. I mean Winona Ryder's really hot, like really, really, hot, like the stuff I would do to her NOW, like now that she's not 13 anymore, I can't even write here, because there is a SLIM chance she could read this, and then my letters to her would be spoiled.

Dances With Wolves: Yeah this movie pretty much sucked because...Wait a second Dennis Quaid wasn't in this, Kevin Costner was. Oh well, that's a whole other set of bullshit.

Signs: Oh where do I even begin, M. Night Shamalamalan is like the Ed Wood of our generation, we should be honoured to have so shitty a director making movies while we're still alive...Wait a second, Mel Gibson was in this, not Dennis Quaid. God, is it just me or does he look like at least five other older, white actors? But his movies aren't as good?!

Wyatt Earp: Now, see this movie is fucking bad-ass, Wyatt Earp was the fucking man, he was one of the most kick-ass cowboys I've ever seen on film, he certainly would've beaten the shit out of that punk ass Billy the Kid from Young Guns. Fuck Martin Sheen, how the fuck is there a Young Guns 2, anyway?! Sounds like a bad Spike Lee movie, Young Guns. Anywhoo, Dennis Quaid was totally unimportant in this movie anyhow, he played Doc Holiday, who was not Wyatt Earp, so he was overlooked. Again. He should't have even been on camera with that much mustache. I couldn't even hear his lines and I swear to god, I saw a chicken wing stuffed in there...It was like a giant hairy catapillar.

Any Given Sunday: Football movie, who the hell cares, exactly?

Frequency: Oh ho ho, Frequency, what can I say about Frequency? Firefighters! Radios! Time travel! What the fuck is happening in Frequency? Can someone tell me what the fuck is happening in Frequency?! Will anyone...Wait Wyatt Earp's coming on at 8 on AMC, nevermind.

The Alamo: Sam Houston. Nuff Said.

The Day after Tomorrow: Just when you were thinking this movie was good, you kinda realize a little over an hour in, wait a second, this movie really isn't THAT good. In fact, there is something about this movie that's...off. It's not Jake Gyllenhall... It's not the female lead, whatever the hell her name is...It's not that black kid who played Allen Strange on Nickleodoen (Oh, I remember...)... I don't really know. Wait, did Al Gore make this movie? Did he hire people to write and produce this movie? That explains it. He's a lousy producer then. I mean why hire Dennis Quaid as the older, white male lead? He shoulda tried Kevin Costner. Or Mel Gibson. Weren't they both in Signs?

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