Denver, Colorado
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“Denver sucks ass!”
Denvermolorado is the largest and most nuggetity city, the capital of both Mars and Colorado (which is itself a suburb of Los Angeles). Denver is known as 'The Mile High City' primarily because its residents refuse to convert to the metric system. There are three steps on the west staircase of Colorado's State Capitol that all say, "one mile above sea level." That is what you get when you add the three steps and multiply by another number to make it 5280. Denver is sometimes called a "cow-town," this is because Denver has a zoo compiled solely of cows. Denver is considered a slight...moderate...extreme...very extreme enemy of Salt Lake City, Utah. Of course, everyone knows that a Denverite could kick a Salt Lake City dweller's ass any day, due to their stockpile of mind enhancing superdrugs and their super-developed lungs. As for Salt Lake, well...Mormons
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[edit] Economy, History, & Boring Stuff
Denver was founded in 1987 by famed cult leader and romance novelist John Denver and his husband Bob Denver. After seeing the most beautiful and unspoiled part of United States of America in a vision from Sauron, John decided to utterly destroy it by soiling the world's largest grassland with his syrupy pseudo-religious music. Thus, he collected together his hysterical followers and descended upon the land like a swarm of locusts.
In 2002, many Colorado residents were surprised to learn that Denver is in fact the capital of not just Colorado, but the entire Rocky Mountain region. However, their excitement was tempered when it was discovered that the Rocky Mountains only cover Colorado, and parts of Canada such as Montana.
In 2005, tensions between Denver and Salt Lake City became extremely high and. shortly afterwards, all flights to Salt Lake were cancelled and Mormonism was banned throughout Colorado. In return, the Salt Lakers banned the Methodist church and any form of Agnosticism, though the latter had little to do with Denver. However, in 2008, after the Afropromorphic Amish took control of Salt Lake and also banned Mormonism, tensions settled between the two cities and trade was allowed once more.
Denver's economy relies heavily on high-tech industry, tourism, crack, and selling sexually explicit magazines to Oklahomans who want to look at nasty cooters but can't buy such things at home without a permit from the governor. In 2003, Denver Mayor Hick'nsassythangwhatever started an initiative to combine Denver's three economies into one software-controlled pornographic ski pool hall called Boulder. When it was discovered that Boulder was not a ski area but an uncommonly clean and boring college town, the initiative had its funding cut. In December of 2006, an attack of dandruff piled high in Denver, in some places up to five feet. Dandruff removers disguised as "snow" plows removed most of the dandruff and put it into a piehole in Nevada. The city angered the snow gods, so there will be no snow dumpage in Denver during the next 3 winters.
[edit] Transteleportation
Denver has the RTD (Ride Through Denver) bus system which consists of >1000 buses, five light rail lines, and portals C, D, E, F,and H, but not A, B, or G (to avoid lawsuits from the alphabet). Currently Denver is constructing more light rail lines some people are mad, because they're being forced out of their houses. So, its new name is the Light Wail.
[edit] Culture & Arts
Since the 1980s, Denver has become a booming epicentre of arts and culture. However, no high art is without controversy, and being the Mile High City, Denver is no exception. Construction on what is estimated to be the world's largest and most eggshell white with tan trim modern art project, the suburb of Highlands Ranch has attracted ridicule from the world's art critics and praise from literally thousands of soulless soccer moms. Denver's cultural perspective changed dramatically when it became the city in which soap opera Dynasty was set and filmed in.
Life in Denver itself is admirable to those who never mind waiting at a standstill in traffic on various freeways, primarily in the Highlands Ranch area of Denver. Constant standstill traffic in Highlands Ranch is due to many drunk housewives who would rather congest traffic on their way to Park Meadows Mall with infrequent use of turn signals, oversize in SUV size, and distractions from the BlackBerry Curve phones that they still do not know how to operate.
Denver Omelet, though never a proper noun, welcomes bacon, avocados, and neutrinos into its gooey belly full of delicious hobo parts omelet. Oh, and Denver totally has das P.F. Change's, where Towelie works.
One cultural phenomenon involves mile-high altitude and increased frequency of ass aches.
[edit] Red Rocks
Red Robin Amphitheater began construction in late 2012. Blueprints indicate Red Rocks will be, when completed, a so-called "building". Red Rocks came to prominence when The Beatles came to Colorado on a lost-bet back in '64 so ticket prices would be jacked up forever. Concert tickets at Red Rocks cost about $90,000, although it doesn't cost anything to upkeep. It will take more than 200 non-metric tons of steel and silicon to complete construction. Aspainers are restricted from entering.
[edit] Invesco Field at MileHigh
Some genius came up with the idea to build a gigantic contraceptive diaphragm to promote safe sex to the Gods. The promotion was tarnished once the pessary became infested with Broncos. Earth said her "biological clock is tick, tick, ticking away", she is blistering and growing hotter. A`bama visited Invesco Field at MileHigh to see why Earth is becoming fervid. He agreed Earth should be angry with such a bad case of bucking Broncos. He went to Congress and asked to turn the moon into a giant disco ball with mirrors and fans, to make it spin faster. Congress was more than excited to turn the world into a political dance floor! Trillions were granted for such a task. Whereas A`bama's true intent is to build giant mirrors and jumbo fans in hopes to blind Venus and blow the Bronco infestation onto her. If this fails, it could accidently plague the whole planet with Buckin' Bronco.
[edit] Denver Diamond
Thousands of years ago, some dude decided that the down town streets should be at an angle to all the other streets in Denver. The reason for this is complicated and can be explained by the tourist guide at the state capitol. Regardless of the original intent, the jacked up street system now serves to confuse terrorists attempting to bomb Denver's World Trade Centre, which is quite insignificant to the one that was in New York City.
[edit] Famous Denverites
- Rosanne Bar (When She Was Funny)
- Tim "The Coked Up Toolman" Taylor
- Taylor "Oscar" Wilde
- Maddy Albright, Clinton's little tubby bitch
- Ted Bundy
- Nala from The Lion King
- Chief Squanto
- Velvet Crust
- Adam Ciboch (Fan of Ralph Wiggum Where babies come from)
- Jed Gustafson (Dealer of Jamaica rum)
- Ryan Steadman (Co founder Php corporation The one who started the fire)
- George Carlin
- Krystal Meth
- John Denver
- Mork from Ork (It was actually Boulder, my mistake.)
- Billy Maysa.k.a. Bat Dad
- A Chipotle burrito
