“When did fucking Elway retire? And why is he still starting for my Fantasy Team?”
The Denver Broncos are a professional football team from the lovely state of Colorado. The team was founded in Miami, Florida by former druglord, Tony Montana as the Miami Cokepushers, but was bought by the Coors Brewery in 1978 after Montana introduced people to his little friend and died in a cocaine-fueled rampage. Coors opted to rename the team.
As a result of their close ties to the beer industry, the Denver Broncos are the only team in the NFL that does not have Gatorade on the sideline. Instead, their coolers are filled with cans of Coors Light and mini-bottles of Grey Goose. Former Head Coach Dan Reeves died of head injuries in 1991 after several of his players dumped a cooler of cans on him after a victory.
The Miami Cokepushers / Denver Broncos history is as follows:
1960 - 1977
Established in 1960 as The Miami Cokepushers, the team is victimized by numerous suspensions for violation of NFL substance abuse policy. During an exhibition game against the Oakland Raiders, the Cokepushers ran out of offensive linemen after Chi-Chi, Pablo and Oswaldo snorted an 8-Ball, OD'd and died on the field. It was shortly after this that the team moved to Denver.
The team trades for Quarterback, John Elway. Elway immediately replaces fall-down drunk, Craig Morton at the Quarterback position. The Broncos still suck for quite some time. They change uniforms in hopes of selling some, but the change coincides with a surge in production and distribution of the drug crystal meth and residents of Denver can't spare the money to buy football Jerseys.
Elway earns the nickname, Long John after a drunken locker room romp with several members of the training staff. Coach Dan Reeves begins referring to Elway as Captain Cum-Back for reasons unknown. Aside from that, nothing important happens and the Broncos mostly suck.
The Denver Broncos are handed the most lop-sided ass-kicking in the history of the Super Bowl by the San Francisco 49ers, a team led by Joe Montana, the son of their former owner. Montana deticates the victory to his father.
1997 - 1998
2000 - Present
For several years after the retirement of Captain Cum-Back, Long John Elway, the team turned to former Arizona standout and perpetual underacchiever, Jake "Snakes on a Plane" Plummer. People in Denver would probably hate Plummer if they hadn't all drank and snorted themselves retarded over the course of their lives. Plummer was banished from the State of Colorado by Samuel L. Jackson who went to Coors Field and proclaimed that he wanted "This muthafuckin' Snake off the muthafuckin' plain". He's since been replaced by some guy named Cutlet or Cutler or something. He looks like an emo-kid and nobody likes him.
Darrent Williams was beaten to death by the Rodney King cops for wearing a Bling Bling Ice Grill in public. Instead of arresting the offending officers, a judge decided to reassign them to OJ Simpson's house.
Damien Nash died on February 23, 2007. He was a lousy football player and nobody really cared to investigate why or how he died. In fact, if you go to Riverview Gardens High School (where he died during a Charity Basketball game) you can probably still find his body there. Nobody bothered to move it. Some kids are probably poking it with sticks as we speak. And the smell is awful.
Fun Facts about Coach, Mike Shanahan
- At any given time during games, Shanahan can be seen screaming at someone.
- On December 12th, 2006, Shanahan's face nearly reached supernova temperature after a blown holding call in a game against the New England Patriots.
- Mike Shanahan killed Kenny.
- Mike Shanahan has petitioned the league to let him beat his players as hard as he beats his children.
- Mike Shanahan is the pride of Kenosha, WI.
- Even though he was born in Detroit, MI.
- Mike Shanahan killed Kenny.
- Shanahan has been documented on Urban Dictionary for inventing the term, Motherwhoring.
- He has also invented the words: Fucktastic, Ri-fucking-diculous, Unbe-fucking-lievable, and Adora-fucking-ble, his nickname for his young daughter.
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