Deprovkia
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"Dbi ´srazk ï kzrk ka ublimya." ('I hate Mondays very much.')
~Deprovkian saying
Deprovkia is a republic in Eastern Europe. It is famous for being the most depressed and the most depressing country in the world.
[edit] General information
- Land area: 3510 sq.km
- Population: 3,540,000
- Ethnic composition: Deprovkians 99.9 % (the remaining 0.1 % is made up of foreign diplomats desperately waiting for retirement)
- Currency: Nihilza
- Capital city: Grumpograd
- Exports: Warning signs
- Imports: Prozac
- Life expectancy: 55 years male, 56 years female (most Deprovkians commit suicide before reaching 68)
- Climate: Cold, with heavy rain and thick fog
- 2004 national depression rate: 100 %
- National food: Prozac
- Flag description: Black 'unhappy face' [ :( ] on grey background
- National anthem: "Deprovkia, Let Us Rejoice!" (sung to Chopin's Funeral March)
[edit] History
Deprovkia is first mentioned in literature in A.D. 71 by the Roman historian Tacitus, who described it like this:
"Even the Stoic would end up cutting their wrists in Deprovicum."
~Tacitus: Godforsaken Places Beyond The Borders of Our Great Empire IV:III
He's not wrong: In 1427 the census revealed that less than 4% of Deprovkians have 2 fully functioning hands. Despite the panic abolition of Laws concerning theives, the number continued to delcline, and in 1651, there weren't actually enough capable copiers to produce the census.
The Dictator at the Time, a Mr. Peter Smith, decided that it was time for drastic action. He began a systematic campaign to eliminate all knowledge of knife sharpening, saw manufacture, and the concept of pain. A policy that was derided universally by all commentators. Everywhere.
Remarkably, he succeded on 2 out of 3 counts, largely thanks to the groundbreaking work of Count Karl von Elderberry. He managed to develop a mysterious machine, The Zanzibar, which when erected in the palace grounds sent out waves capable of completely numbing the pain of everyone in Grumpograd.
The machine now resides in the British Museum, somewhat confusingly labelled as a "Prototype Helicopter Hat", credited to Da Vinci. The Secrets have not been lost however. A similar contraption is now deployed in every accountancy firm, only with minor modifications to prevent their employees dying of boredom.
Getting rid of Sharpness was now merely a formality. The machine was left to run for a month, then turned off. Smith now decreed that unless all information concerning whetstones was destroyed and forgotten within the week, the device would be turned back on, and the people deprived of their release once again.
