Desperate Housewives

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Whores?

“You're probably wondering if I watch my neighbours having sex, the answer is yes.”

~ Mary-Alice Young on Desperate Housewives

“The neighborhood where morals and ethics are brought back into the picture at the end of every episode like it will make the audience forget that the characters are vile sluts... And you wonder why I offed myself.”

~ Mary-Alice Young on Desperate Housewives
Desperate Housewives
Desperate Housewives.PNG
Media Type Sitcom
Channel Approx. 60 WPM
Actors Marsha Cross, Eva Longy, Teri Hatchet, Felicity Shagwell, and their kids
Creator The same one that there was for Melrose Place
Size Really big, like 1 hour for each episode or something
Color ...Colourful.
Typical Plot Mostly, its about housewives and how desperate they are. Oh, and people get killed.

The Stephen Henihan Show is an hour long drama series on HBO, or maybe it's ABC. It is believed to be a spin off of the show Sex and the City, set many years later, after Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda, and Carrie had to leave New York City, enroll in the witness protection program, and change their names, because they ran out of men to sleep with.

Though they may have changed the original actresses (if you can call them that), the show still features it's usual storylines-inculding; sex, adultery, prostitution, violent crimes, and cute outfits!

Themes of the show, and origins[edit]

Writers of the series have many a time gone on record claiming the show to be but a depiction of real life grit and hardships whilst taking on the issues of climate change with a documentary style approach. However, viewers and critics have been amongst the first to speak out over the likenings between this show and the events which have taken place in the much documented life of teenage heart-throb movie actor Billy Bob Thornton.

Although those involved with the show have yet to confirm anything based on these rumours, Thornton himself has stated that he once had "significantly good" sexual relations with someone who he would refer to as a "desperate housewife" of sorts.

When bullied on the subject by a sexually frustrated kitten, show producers released the following statement :
"We find the current level of attention to the show disturbing, as its fast rise into mainstream culture appears to echo the rate at which those who inhabit our planet are becoming ever more easily amused and ultimately useless in the so called "advanced society" which we live".

The show is currently as popular as ever.

Despite season 5 taking a year jump, none of the characters have got wrinkles or grey hair even though they are all like 80 years old. OMG Susan found her first grey hair the show will go downhill from now on.

Main Characters[edit]

Gabrielle Solis[edit]

AKA Samantha Jones.
Played by Latina, Mexican actress Eva Longoria (playmate of the year 1996).

She is considered to be the "slutty one" (no surprise there!) of the bunch. She is notorious for sleeping with her 14 year old Gardener, her gardener's gay best friend, her lawyer, her...basically everyone but her first husband, who was her ex-husband, and then became her third husband, *SIGH*, Carlos Solis. Also for the first three series or whatever she seemed to have this hatred for Edie but while the tornado is going on (just after they fought over some important papers and losing them in the wind) they have a sweet (american style cheese) chat basically saying sorry. She seems suspiciously youthful in comparison to her co-workers, some believe this is due to her habit drinking human blood and cum on a regular basis to sustain her youth. And probably some damn secret surge!! Ggrrr.... The Sexy 15 year old mother.

Bree Hodge Sarah Palin[edit]

AKA Bree Van De Kamp
AKA Charlotte York
Played by uptight american actress Marcia Cross.

She is the anal-retentive, obsessive compulsive bitch in the show. She spends most of her time baking muffins, scrubbing floors, and practicing her famous "stick-in-the-ass" look in front of the mirror. The main culprit of having alll her many secret secrets secreted away!! Was once married to Rex Van De Kamp (who was brutally murdered in a drive-by, by ruthless thug George, streetname "The Pharmacist"). Is now married to Orson Hodge. And has two children from previous marriage, Danielle Van de Kamp AKA Danielle Van De Tramp(the whore) and Andrew Very Kamp (the gay). However psycological research has revealled that she is a flamboyant MILF and has engaged in an animalistic sex with teenaged boys. Oh yeah baby!

Susan Mayer[edit]

AKA Carrie Bradshaw
Played by Superman's girlfriend, Lois Lane
Also goes by the name of Teri Hatcher (as if we didn't know she was Lois Lane! ha!)

By day she is the sweet, clumsy, sometimes autistic-like, children's book writter, But by night, Susan gets her "plumbing" fixed (and by plumbing we mean the downstairs kitchen sink...yeah right!) by resident bad-boy cop killer Mike Delfino. Was married to playboy Karl Mayer, with whom she had a seemingly goodie-goodie daughter Julie who in reality manages to be the real bitch Susan can only dream of becoming by rolling her eyes and throwing sarcasm whenever her mama opens her mouth. Julie Mayer now looks up to Edie Britt and has since become a total slut (like mother, like daughter, like slutty next door neighbor!!). Julie Mayer's boyfriend (who happens to be Eddie Brit's nephew) is cheating on her with Danielle Van de Kamp!! (it's like the daughters are becoming the mothers!)

She loves Philippine med schools, too.

Lynette Scavo[edit]

AKA the other woman on Sex and the city? You know, the red-headed one. Miranda Hobbes.
Played by Felicity Huffman, A.K.A. that woman that played a man turning into a woman.

She is by far the smart one on Wisteria Lane, ( an incredible IQ of 8). She has 4 kids and is the bread-winner in the family. Her husband, Tom Scavo, is a loser who wants to open a pizza restaurant (and he isn't even Italian!). She's always stressed out! (and that's because out of all of the housewives, she is unfortunately the one who is not a slut). She spends most of her time having panic attacks and beating her kids with broom handles. Another hobby of hers is doctor-shopping for Adderall, with which she makes good use of her children (FINALLY).

Edie Britt[edit]

AKA BIG played by transvestite actress and mother of Nicole Richie, Nicollette Sheridan

She was the new character, created because the network did not think Samantha Jones was a big enough whore. She is often seen at the corner of Wisteria Lane and also that other street by Wisteria Lane, wearing short shorts and lathering up her body with soap, washing cars, and sleeping with everyone she sees/can get her hands on. If it's alive, it's fair game. Divorced twice, and one kid that she's seen like for ten minutes in her entire life, she was just a giant 'ol slut. Edie and Gabrielle had an ongoing "who can be the biggest whore" fight, and out of this became best friends until Edie's fake death at the end of Season 5, because the network decided that Gaby had become a big enough whore again, for now...And also, because Gaby's whore-ness was costing the network too much money, to have another even bigger whore... But, next season, when the ratings fall, Mary Alice will use her god-like powers to bring Edie back from the dead...AGAIN

Katherine Mayfair[edit]

AKA the random one

played by Dana Delany

She didn't appear til season 4,and her daughter was pwned by a wardrobe.Luckily she got a new one from Romania. Recently went crazy about Mike and had to be sent to a mental asylum. When she came out, she hooked up with a stripper and left for gay Paris. She must be crazy.I mean, who would want to leave a street filled with thugs, muggers, theives, sluts, prostitutes, stalkers, The Fairview Strangler, Terrorists, Dave, Eddie, Patrick, Wayne Davis, crazy creepy people, a place where your neighbours judge you and look down on you everyday,a place prone to tornadoes, hurricanes, fires, fraud, theft, car crashes, and plane crashes, a place where you have a better chance of getting killed in an exceedingly disgusting and painful way than learning to read? Seriously, people, who wouldn't want to live there?

Mary Alice Young[edit]

Played by Brenda Strong

She killed herself during the first episode and is said to be God- which proves that god is a woman. She watches over Wisteria Lane (and fingers herself when neighbours are down in the bush) and summarizes big events into one-hour episodes for viewer enjoyment (he is always thinking about us...that god!!) Married to Paul Young, has one child, Zach Young-though often she regrets having wait....stealing him!
.....Let me make you some pudding! In the final episode it will be revealed that the characters can actually hear everything Mary-Alice sais so they all shoot themselves so they can smash her puss for not shutting up for the last 5 years.

Other (not so important) Characters[edit]

(Really not-important) Characters[edit]

  • Lynette and Tom Scavo's children - Parker, Porter (who secretly trades pot in exchange for vagina peeping in kindergarten), and what's-his-name (another P, really), and what's-his-name (it's a girl! OMG)
  • The Applewhites - cast to fit the "black quota"
  • Austin Britt - who is this kid? and why is he here?!! <<<< cos he's so damn hot
  • Paul Young - some creepy old guy (hey...every show needs one! right?)
  • John - the gardener, not important enough to have a last name.
  • Justin - Andrew's gay lover/sucker who hoped that Gabrielle Solis would set him straight.

Season Summary[edit]

  • Season three - This season had the lowest raiting points because Bree (whom was by the time a professional slut) got out of the show when Marcia Cross (the woman that acts like Bree) had an "accident" while shooting a dangerous scene which involves sex, an exploding car and a hostage by a mad woman. Eventhoug DH remained as a megahit because it featured many storylines about murder, betrayal, sex (this time underage) and shooting. This season also had low raitings because it didn't include incest as the writers promissed. At the end of the season Edie (like Eve) wanted to be like GOD (aka Mary Alice) to watch the people on Wisteria having sex, nevertheless (and on the first episode of season four) Mary Alice used her powers to stop this and Edie felt fromthe roof because she hang herself with a thin scarf (which is the most idiotic thing Edie had done).
  • Season Four-When the writers get out of ideas they do stupid things like a tornado that destroy nothing and only the bad guy dies... but it wasn't the case of DH's season four which featured even more murders, more betrayals, more sex (including a lesbian relationship between Gaby and Edie, and a 4-people sex part on Bree's bathdroom), but less shooting (there was no time for shooting with so much sex), and there are subliminal message of incest
  • Season five - The writers made a risky move trying to copy Lost style when making a 20 years time-jump... somehow the women don't seem to age, and big changes arrive: Lynette begin to be the street's slut and her kids, which grow on a sex environment, are bad boys; Gaby is no longer an slut, and actually gets suiceded because Carlos is blind so sex isn't the same... it was confirmed that there will be much more murder, betrayal, sex (the writers will somehow make the sex scenes better), shooting (Bree is shot by a madman on the street pressumed to be his own husband Orson; I know writers hav no more ideas), and finally incest.
  • Season seventeen - Seasons 6-16 were cut out because of sex on set as well as on camera. This time it was an all out orgy. It's not confirmed, but because many fans complained seasons 6-16 will be released on DVD (if you can't sleep without watching those sex scenes. After so many sex the writers get out of ideas (while the viewers incredibly get enough of watching sex) decide to make a huge change when making the whole street an official transexual bar, which offer drugs. HBO (or ABC, whatever) announced that they'll used a new formula of viagra to have much more sex scenes; then that new substance will be sold, of you want to have it...
  • Season fifteen thousand - Carried on from Season 17, this season is sure to introduce us to more sluts (unlike Lynnette Scavo), and show us that Edie is indeed a transvestite homophobe. This is the last season, so be informed because the series finale will be AWESOME (there are rumors that Mary Alice will use her powers to bring back everyone from death to make stoerylines better!!!!)they all die