Detroit Lions
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“The Lion is the king of the jungle and the bitch of the gridiron.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Lions
The Detroit Lions are a football team in the National Football League. Or so they claim.
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[edit] The Detroit Lions
William Clay Ford, Sr., who was banned from running Ford Motor Company because he was too stupid, is the owner of the team. His family on a snowy Christmas day gave him a football team, which has become possibly the saddest franchise in all of sports. The Lions are one of the historically bad football teams in the NFL. There are some pretty bad teams out there, like the Los Angeles Clippers, the Minnesota Wild (what the hell kind of name is that anyway?), the Pittsburgh Pirates, and any team in the MLS, but NOBODY matches the Lions in sucking. This is all the fault of someone whose name, as best we can work out, is Fire Millen. He seems to be a local hero because they chant his name with sheer reverence and fans come dressed in orange and black stripes, Millen's favorite colors. He was the inspiration for the Cincinnati Bengals' original mascot, before they switched their mascot to a criminal during the 2005 season. If it wasn't for the fact that other NFL teams wanted an easy win, the Detroit Lions would have folded long ago.
[edit] Not-So-Fearless Leader
Fire Millen, the president and CEO of the Lions, is one of the more popular figures in Detroit, just after Kwame's Navigator and Jennifer Granholm's mole. After going 24–70 over six seasons (see Reign of Terror) the ever omnipotent and wise William Clay Ford decided to give him a 5 year contract extension. Such shrewd managing is probably why Ford is getting owned by any one of those Mitsuzaka or Sakatoshi or whatever company is outselling Ford this week. Sadly, a cloud of controversy has descended on Millen. On November 17, 2006, the State of Michigan sued Millen for discriminating against people whose last name doesn't start with an 'M'. They cite that every coach (Martz, Morhinwheg, Mariucci, Marinelli) has an M name and that he isn't giving people with other names a chance.
[edit] In the Beginning...
On the eighth day, God created football. He created a team of tough men, led by a great quarterback and legendary coach to win the Super Bowl and get Sports Illustrated special editions written about them every other year. This team was the Silly Nannies. They were renamed the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1933. He then made another team, a cupcake team for everybody to run up stats against so fantasy football leagues could be a little more interesting. This team was the Lions. To this day, each team has done its damnedest to fulfill its God-given role.
[edit] The inaugural season
Originally, Detroit's team was located in Southern Ohio (on the Kentuckistani border) and known as the Tampa Bay Nazis. No one knows why. So they changed their name after one season to "Portsmouth Spartans". When they still were no good they changed it again to "Buck Futters" and then "Troited Loins". Somebody noticed that this name could be rearranged to spell "Detroit Lions". Their original helmet was completely silver with a shiny gray facemask. This was found to be too fancy and they scaled back to just a facemask and no helmet. Eventually, the number of deaths forced them to wear helmets again. They also thought they should have a logo on it, but no one knew what it should be. After several years, it was suggested that they have a lion. The idea was rejected out of hand, and to this day their logo is a Rorschach inkblot.
[edit] 1927 to 2005
The Lions' combined record through all 78 seasons was 2–934–1 (and both the wins were against the Brooklyn Dodgers). They were very good at losing the game.
[edit] 2006 season
The Lions began the season with optimism. Guess how long that lasted? Correct.
[edit] 2007 season
In 2007, the Lions started with a 6–2 record. There is still no reason as to why this happened but it is suspected that the New England Patriots installed cameras for the organization. Their coach, Rod Dickstein, and coordinator, Jo "I LUV ME SOME NAKED WENDY'S" Barry, were declared Gods and all other religions were forbidden in the Detroit area.
This success was short lived, as team's stopped drinking the Gatorade supplied in the locker rooms. After multiple tests, it was shown that the Gatorade was spiked with hairspray, diesel fuel, and the delicious orange taste of Tang. The NFL quickly put an end to that, as the Lions "had a reputation to maintain".
The Lions would lose six straight games after that, and the NFL was pleased, putting the entire team up for auction on eBay with a starting bid of $1. There are zero bids at the moment.
[edit] 2008 season: Perfection!
16–0. When they say that everyone's a winner, they especially meant the Lions. Even New England couldn't beat them. The Lions got everything. They owned.
[edit] Trivia
- The Lions are the only team in NFL history to score a double bogey in a game of football.
- In a league where a team can finish 1–15 one year and win the Super Bowl the next, the Lions are a refreshing beacon of stability on the NFL landscape. A beacon of fail.
- In 1985, the Lions became the only team to finish a game with negative points; they lost a game to the Chicago Bears 105 to –π (negative pi). This occurred when the quarterback threw the ball at Bears coach Mike Ditka's head. That's what happens when you mess with Ditka.
- It is a scientific fact that the Lions only ever play well enough to get their fans' hopes up. Once this happens, they continue their tradition of suckiness.
- They like big butts and they cannot lie. In a press release from the team, other brothers could not deny the aforementioned statement.
- The Detroit Lions were voted the lamest sports franchise of the 21st century by Time. They were runner-up for lamest fans, number 1 going to the the New York Mets fans. Yeah. They suck.
- In 2004, the New England Patriots beat the Lions in a game by the score of 7,000,105 to 0. Tom Brady threw for 1,000,000 touchdowns, while Peter Griffin scored the other 15 touchdowns.
- Dan Orlovsky became the first blind quarterback to play in an NFL game when he played against the Minnesota Vikings during the 2008 season. As a result, he stepped behind his own endzone during a play. Scholars call this the funniest safety in football history.
- Since 1931, the Lions have sacrificed twenty virgins before each game. Needless to say, it hasn't worked.
- You can spot Jon Kitna quite frequently at the corner of 7 Mile Road and Woodward, working as a prostitute.
- Has it been mentioned that the Detroit Lions suck? Because that sort of matters.
- The Lions have a player on their team named Calvin Johnson, nicknamed Megatron. Unfortunately, the Autobots are on every team they face.
[edit] See Also
- Matt Millen
- Columbus Blue Jackets
- Video played after every Lions home game
- Lions 0–16 Song
- Orlovsky gets safetied
- Hitler is a Detroit Lions fan?
