Devil's snare

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Devil's Snare (or Devillius Snarenus) is an acoustic guitar-playing herb known to eat water, curry, processed pork products (or PPP), and small children. It's reign of terror in England and Canada has lasted for over eleventy-one years, ever since the Death Star unknowingly brought the savage plant to Germany, from Peru, on the famed inter-galactic space voyage referred to as Star Wars.

Devil's Snare and you[edit]

Now I know what you're thinking: "It's just a plant! It can't hurt me none!" But you're wrong, my huckleberry friend, DEAD WRONG.

Because dead is exactly what you'll end up as, if you foolishly choose to mess with the best. Devil's Snare, first exposed in award-winning documentary Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, has gained a reputation as the most bloodthirsty plant since marijuana. Japanese scientists have worked long and hard to learn more about the plant, working long hours and avoiding their families, and have come to the conclusion that Devil's Snare is, in fact, an underwater anthill that turned into a tentacled plant by standing in front a bathroom mirror and turning around three times saying "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary."

Devil's Snare and him[edit]

With a dark and shady past like that you can hardly blame those Japanese drug-users for trying to keep it quiet. Also, the Prime Minister of Japan, Sir Norbert Chen, believed to be a strong supporter of Snare, extorted the scientists into guarding the information with their lives. But obviously, they let it slip to this brilliant and beautiful reporter, and got themselves hung at the stake. (Or is it hanged? I think it's hanged. Hanged at the stake. There, that sounds about right.)

But enough about its past because, while fascinating, it isn't at all relevant to the important stuff, such as the slaying of Devil's Snare.

Devil's Snare AND HER[edit]

Killing a Devil's Snare is a lot like having a baby. First you need to find out where it comes from, and therefore where to find it. Next, it's a matter of drawing it out of hiding. Then you have to clean it off a bit, cuddle it for a while, take it to Ontario Place, and murder it brutally behind the Snow Cone concession.

So first thing's first. Devil's Snare is most often found lurking inside vending machines, waiting for the occasional quarter to fall into is hairy mouth (Although there have been rare instances where it has disguised itself as a household plant and gnawed the unsuspecting gardener's hand off, this generally doesn't happen. But when it does, oh boy.) To draw it out, simply cut off a piece of human flesh (Snare generally prefers juicy juicy leg meat, as most of us do), and drop it near the vending machine. This will cause the plant to immediately jump out of its dwelling.

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like killing things that are already covered in my own blood, so it is advisable (but not mandatory) to splash a bucket of water on it, as you may do with a newly born infant. To put it off its guard, pet it gently while it devours your (delicious) flesh, and, when it least expects it, draw out your trusty hand gun and cap that b****. Voila! The deed is done.

Devil's Snare and us[edit]

Now you know all about Devil's Snare (coming to a closet near you). To learn more, type devilssnare. Evil. Deliciousflesh into any online search engine and take the initiative to expand your mind. Stay in school.