Dewey, Cheatem & Howe
“I was lucky to have escaped with my soul, although I suffered several mental and physical illnesses as a result of the stress I was under. Even Leonard Cohen could not survive there!”
Dewey, Cheatem & Howe is an international law firm working in the fields of personal injury, product liability, casinos, the mafia, the Non-God-Fearing Democrats, Liberal Terrorists, and are actively involved in the Evil Atheist Conspiracy and various litigation cases.
A law firm, founded on April 1, 1887 in London, England. The first partners were by Howie Dewey, Icabod Cheatham, and Rebecca Howe, who met while attending The City Law School, which they subsequently sued for their poor grades, low graduation rankings and inability to pass the bar.
They are well known for mistreating their employees, and instiling stress, fear, and fustration on them, which they believe creates work productivity. They keep their employees in the dark, and feed them manure, in other words, they consider them to be mushrooms. Management plays favoritism and often promotes brown nosers, slackers, the office snitch, and your mom. Yet they never promote the employees who are doing 90% of the work, because they feel that those who shrug off responsibility and trick others into doing their work for them, have a much greater potential than those who do not. Coworkers are encourged to spread rumors about other coworkers, because management believes that rumors help keep employees productive.
Most Famous Cases
Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe is famous for defending most tobacco companies from the massive class-action lawsuits that threatened to put these companies out of business and have them pay for the damage that a lifetime of smoking causes. They innovated and did a big study using New science proven with New Math to show that the fault of the health problems was not the fault of the tobacco companies, but instead was the fault of the victims that smoked or chewed the tobacco products. Howie Dewey is quoted as saying "Hey, it caused cancer in rats. My client tried to warn you about this in super-microscopic small print on the side of the label. It is not the fault of my client, because a warning was given, and people smoked or chewed anyway."
Most recently, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe is known for its McDonald's made me fat lawsuits defense.
A famous employee of the law firm is Orion Blastar, who managed to work there for four and a half years and still was able to keep his soul. Once management found that Orion still had his soul, they citied this as a violation of the employment agreement and placed him on probation. Before this happened, Orion reportedly went insane due to the stress, fear, and fustration placed on him, and being passed over for promotions for four and a half years, he got sick, went on short-term disability. When he returned he was placed on probation for missing too many work days, because the HR Manager lost his doctor's notes, and discovered that Orion still had his soul. Orion was on probation for two weeks, but after refusing to give up his soul, he was eventually fired.