Dead Dick

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William Westmoreland is the only American General who could truly be called a "Dick Head" by any common bystander.

“Ho Chi Minh sucks dead dicksssss!!!”

Dead Dick (Pro. Ded Dik): Name of a highly unpopular 1960s era war game; a point in scoring; a term in “grunt-speak” used during the Vietnam War to best describe a dead Gook, or, for that matter, a dead American; a weird collectors trophy.

The “Dead Dick” or "DD" was a single unit of score for one war dead as reported by the Vietnamese and American governments during the Dick-Head's ghastly war-game. This deadly sport is notorious for having being forcefully imposed on the citizens of both Vietnam and America by the governments of those countries.

In essence, Dead Dick is just the opposite of Live Dick, also known in Vietnam as "Swinging Dick" (or "my little bradda you!" in Saigon "Bar Speak"). Both sides of the conflict agreed that, "the only good dick is a DD!", and the scoring system was set in play.

The outcome of the war was a huge Vietnamese victory because, by all accounts, they had the most “DDs” to their credit with a final score of Vietnam: 1,100,000 to America: 58,000. Under such circumstance US General William Westmoreland had no choice other than to surrender Vietnam back to the Vietnamese people, most of whom would vote for Uncle Ho if America allowed them to hold a Democratic Election in the first place.

When asked by Congress why there were so few American DDs, Westmoreland replied, “It’s a damn shame when wars are fought on the strength of dicks alone! Those Gooks can thank the US Air Force! We helped them win the goddamn war! Somehow I misunderstood - I thought the winner would have the least dead dicks. I mean, that's what they teach at West Point! Hell! If I would have known about this, we could have bombed our own troops; I mean, intentionally!"

Types of DD[edit]

A Dead Dick is basic, but if you've seen one you haven't seen them all. Serious "dick heads" have pointed out the following six types of DDs found in Vietnam: 1) Dead 'Merican, 2) Dead Gook, 3) Circumcised, 4) Uncircumcised, 5) Attached (to corpse), 6) Detached (from corpse).

Occasionally a DD is found to possess all these six attributes at the same time, and such oddity is worth a fortune among die-hard Dick Heads.

Jade memorial in Vietnam honoring all their Dick Head heros.

Size of DDs[edit]

  • Small (Charlie)
  • Medium (ARVN)
  • Large (White American)
  • Huge (Black American) Note: extremely rare collectors item.

Fraud in DD Trade[edit]

Because of the ghastly and morbid nature of Double-D collecting, sometimes a severed elephant trunk is claimed to be an African-American Dick. Dead Python snakes and sections of fire hose are also sometimes used to cheat kind-hearted Dick-Heads. Because the most valuable Dick is a Black-American which possesses all the 6 attributes, therefore this area is rife with fraud.

DD as a Talisman[edit]

Claims that Dead Dicks are a bullet-proof talisman also have no scientific basis, in spite of Myth Busters failure to disprove it. Myth Busters actually had a live human wear a Dick Head Talisman and then they fired a bazooka at him from point-blank range. Nothing happened. So what is that supposed to prove? - they forgot to load the bazooka! See how them talismans work!?

Impress your Sweet-heart[edit]

Of the above listed Dead Dicks, the detached-from-corpse Dick is by far the best, because then you can send it home so your girlfriend and family can see how good you’re doing in the Nam War against the “bad guys”, viz., Charlie. Imagine how turned-on your girl friend will get when she sees all the Dead Dicks you have collected (Note: don't show her your severed-ear collection or she might be grossed out).

Value & Demand[edit]

The value of DDs, as determined by the Bureau of Weights and Measures, is approximately $1.98 for American, and a plug-nickel for Gook. The price discrepancy is due to the sheer volume of dead Gook dicks. In today’s society the market is still high for Gook dicks, although Arab dicks are considered worthless because there is simply no demand. In the Middle East, however, the demand for American dicks is so high that a simple $1.98 American dick is selling for over $10,000 on the Black Bazaar. So the value of Dead Dick is really determined by politics rather than economics.

DD Collectors[edit]

Up until his timely death, William Westmoreland was President of the Dead Dick & Ear Collectors Association of Transylvania. The current President is Jeffrey Dahmer, who runs the society from behind bars. It has, more or less, become a secret society. Dick Cheney turned down the presidency of the DDECA because he didn't want to blow his cover as a closet "Dick Head".

Modern Warfare[edit]

View of 'Dead Dick Land' taken from the Happy Train. Requires a DD-ticket. Come on kids, let us show you some fun examples of where your military life is headed. It's a hoot!

In 21st century warfare the old term, Dead Dick, has been changed to “Dead Mother Fucker” or DMF. DMF is basically the same as DD except it’s not raining all the time. Besides, in Grunt Speak, "DD" already means "Dishonorable Discharge" (Army term for masturbation).

If you ever visit a war zone keep in mind that your live-dick is your most valuable possession, because without it you too would be just another Dead Mother Fucking score point. So don't be a Dick Head! Stay connected!

Dead Dick trivia[edit]

  • Dead Dick is the brother of Severed Ear.
  • William Calley of My Lai massacre has the world's largest collection of dicks.
  • William Calley could get a Dick even off a female.
  • Similar to "Dead Heads", collectors of war dicks are called, "Dick Heads".

See Also[edit]