Diet Cola

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Votes for deletion This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.

This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption.
Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.

Hebrew. The evil has spread too far.

According to Coca Cola, Diet Coke is for the healthier option, for the great taste. This is, however, not so. The amount of small obese children sucked into drinking the 'healthier' drink are not getting healthier.

The Main Idea[edit]

The idea behind Diet Coke is to bring in money twice as much, and if people don't like it, they revert back to 'Classic Coke' which becomes popular once more.

They put cocaine in Diet Coke as a sugar substitute, which explains the retarded children running around schools having anal sex with lit bunsen burners, and anything that moves.

The Government plans on letting the chaos rise to fever pitch before swooping in and 'saving the day' when in reality they are teamed up with the Sony Corporation who will aid them in their quest to sue Coca Cola and get rich quick, with minimal effort.

The cola company put cocaine in the drinks which may...something...memory loss...

International Distribution[edit]

Diet Coke is an international product and is in these countries:

Sexual Effects[edit]

There are a number of effects overconsumption of Diet Cola may/will/although have relating to sex and sexual organs. The number is :

Scientific Mumbo-Jumbo[edit]

The formula for the amount of cocaine in one can of Diet Coke is This better have helped. If it hasn't, be careful when you fall asleep because a horny 18 year old girl with beautiful brunette hair and a perfect body will come to you and rape you. The twist is she has Syphilis, HIV and Chlamydia.

You could call it our new brand: Diet Cola with a twist of STD

Severe Health Warning[edit]

The Diet Coke has been known to kill in various ways. Here are some bizarre stories that have just been made up right now.

  • Bizarre horror story #1:

Ridley O'Ridley was an ordinary child, he has a nice loving family, a beautiful girlfriend with a perfect ass, and many friends. These friends included Matthew Rugson, Danny Druff, Peter File and Jesus. He'll be back in a second because he needs a piss... ...Where did he go? He should be back by now! The truth is, Ridley had drank too much Diet Coke, and had pissed so much that the force caused his brain to be sucked out and flushed down the toilet. If you don't send this to 98 people in the next twelve seconds, a Diet Coke can will fly out of nowhere and hit you in the head.

  • Bizarre horrow story #2:

Anita Bonia was a 45 year old woman, with a good paying job as a budoir photographer, and a husband who, one night, bought her a bottle of Diet Coke, and after she drank it, she began to feel funny and collapsed. The next day she died in hospital. A photo was taken of her body and under the bed was a sinister looking bottle of Diet Coke. This bottle will kill you if you do not spend your money on thirty-two bottles of the drink and have a bath in it.

Diet Coke Huffing[edit]

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Diet Cola.

Diet Coke huffing is a hobby of many famous individuals, such as Alice Cooper, The Gingerbread Man, That guy who sings 'Zippty Doo Dah' and ET. This is not recommended unless you have read up about it because the slightest mistake could have the same effect has Huffing the orange kittens.


As vampires are 86% sugar, the sugarless concoction of Diet Coke causes them to lose all energy and die. This is very convenient if you find yourself with a vampire and you have Diet Coke with you. This also works with Splenda, Def Leppard and Organic Beef. To destroy the vampire:

  • Shake Can
  • Open Can
  • Aim spraying liquid toward assailant
  • Run once you realise vampires do not actually exist and you have a scary looking man chasing you

Outer Space[edit]

Some rumors have been heard, that the cocaine used is not from this earth, and there is a secret government farm on the planet Venus. The farm apparently consists of six thousand hectares of land being cropped and sown to grow the mysterious Space-Cocaine This is unconfirmed, but there are suspicions, as whenever someone mentions it, they seem to disappear for good.

Here Ends The Article[edit]

Due to unknown circumstances, the author of this article is not available.