DinoJesus
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“ He went extinct for your sins”
~ Garret Sobol 3:27
Raptor Jesus is not extinct he came back three times during the roman empire and killed Cesar with a high powered sniper rifle stolen from the future.
Contents |
[edit] History
During the Mesozoic era, Alex Hoewent through an experimental Scales phase, similar to Picasso's Blue period. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth with giant lumbering reptiles. Other scriptures such as the Dead Primordial Sea scrolls suggest that God was actually a dinosaur during his teens, and was the true inspiration for Godzilla.
While known to themselves as "Giant Awesomes", dinosaurs kept no written records, so scientists did not learn their real name until modern technology made it possible to read their fossilized minds. At first, the dinosaurs rampaged at will, eating each other, stepping on houses, and generally causing damage to the environment. God was forced to intervene when His mother, Benita Franscique, found out about the world He had created, and ordered him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Unwilling to enter His world, God created Dino Jesus. Dino Jesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution by fostering a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory, primarily the Romans, viciously attacked Him and his followers, condemning them to extinction.
[edit] The Miracles of Raptor Jesus
God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs and eat impertinent Romans, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would be needed. In order to impress the dinosaurs, God granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles. An angry mob of Roman citizens attacked Raptor Jesus and pulled off his tail. Raptor Jesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then healed all others who had lost a tail. Raptor Jesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and embarrassing them until every member of the mob became too mentally weak and confused to do any more to harm him. He eventually went through a period of insanity.
While touring the depths of China (which was then known as [PussyShoes]), he came across a lair of renegade Chinese bandits. Thinking fast, (as he was infact dinojesus, regional spelling bee champion and 3 year varsity mathlete) He turned all of their rice wine into water, as to deprive such hideious bandits of a fine mortal pleasure. This infuriated the bandits, at which point Dinojesus turned all of their women into jetski's in an attempt to appease them. Appease them it did. Dinojesus then grew fond of the Chinamen, and decided to turn all their water back into wine. Unfortunataly, text books were still in a primitive phase back then, and Dinjojesus neglected to realize that the human body was 90% water. He ran from the lair as the Chinamen, (now Winemen) screamed in agony at their intoxicating demise. Scientist today commonly accept that the majority of the worlds wine is the remains of these Chinamen.
[edit] Christority
Raptor Jesus created Christority after performing miracles. It is believed that if you believe in Raptor Jesus you will have the power of Chuck Norris. Legend has it, Mr. Norris and Dinojesus/raptorjesus received their powers together as a joint effort to grow the world's best marijuana. So, henceforth all bong loads will be done as a prayer service to honor the efforts of our saviors and his ability to provide us with purples.
[edit] His Final Days
[edit] The Raptor Bible
After Dino Jesus' death, his teachings were collected in the Raptor Bible. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including "Grrrrrrrr" and "ROOOOOOOAAAAAAR". It also contains prophecies of what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and Dino Jesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public, and are only open to Lutheran Church members, dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon.
To quote Oviraptorosaurians 3:13, "A person cannot live on ramen alone but every word that Dino Jesus speaks. RAAAR."
There is also a fair amount of commentary on his teachings, as well as fun little poems about the big Dino himself.
To quote Utahraptors 5:e "Dino Jesus had a lamb, He ate it with mint jelly. And everywhere that DJ went, The lamb went in his belly."
It is also believed that the Kool-Aid Man is Raptor Jesus' prophet from the past; however, the time machine screwed up his brain, rendering him capable of only saying "OH YEAH!" when he is supposed to be telling us the about Raptor Jesus.
[edit] DinoJesus in Popular Culture
DinoJesus has appeared in numerous films over the years. Nazareth Park was a hit in 1996 and was soon followed by Nazareth Park 2: The Lost Word. The film series finished off with Nazareth Park III: Trinity.
More recently rumours have been heard regarding a prophesy that DinoSkywalker (The Chosen One) is set to return to Earth and release an album of such awesomeness (ed's word) that it will cause world peace.
Possible songs for this album include
"This Chosen 1 has no love fo' a ho"
"It doesn't matter if you're reptile or amphibian"
"Ride this Dino"
"Raptor Jesus Wuvvs You"
"Fucketh Learning."
"Dinosaurs are Soooo Cool"
"Partners in Rhmye" - Featuring Optimus Prime and Stephen Hawking
And up to 27-32 more epic tracks.
[edit] Modern Beliefs
Today, few can refute the evidence that Dino Jesus once roamed the Earth. In the late 20th century, many foresaw his return, when the world would see his glory one last time in an event known as The Raptor. Recently, he has become known in smaller communities as the only major religious competition for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is said the two may be having space wars in a galaxy far, far away with freaky intros and Wookies.
Those who are aware of Dino Jesus must spread the word, or Dino Jesus and His millions of tiny raptor minions will come out of the FUCKING SKY and eat you. Spread DINO JESUS's word. You will be thankful you did when He comes for those who don't believe.
[edit] Related links
- Dino Sex
- Christianity
- DinoJews
- Jesusaur
- Jesusaurus Rex
- Nazareth Park
- Book of 4chan
- Grapes of RaptorJesus
- Christority
[edit] External links
- Qwantz.com (From the perspective of Tyrany Rex God)
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
- [1] The Gospel of Raptor Jesus
