Epic Failure Movie
“Crude, but, I like it”
“Epic Movie was better than Schindler's Christmas List by a LONG SHOT”
Epic Movie is a movie world-renowned for a new record of suckiness. It is a historical film that was made during the great depression of 1976. It touched on epic political issues of the era such as produce placement and burning, divisive questions such as "are Hot Lip's lips really that hot?".
The number unfunny jokes are paralleled only by the sheer amount of money patrons wasted getting into this movie and the amount of crap smeared on the screen play. The film is so unspeakably awful that there have been unconfirmed reports of dead people rising from their graves just to kill themselves again after seeing it. Don't ever make the horrible mistake of seeing this movie. It has been on the FBI list for information warfare.
The movie starts with an albino ginger chasing a woman with nun chucks. This is all tied to a joke about her unlocking a code to get candy from a machine, and is a well thought out parody of the Da Vinci Code, probably taking a full 10 seconds to think of. The ginger eventually dives into the machine in an attempt at huffing kittens with the woman, who moved out of the way. He miraculously survives this, and is seen brushing the glass off of himself and brandishing a riot shotgun and leather jacket before the scene cuts. It next goes to a plane, where an actor portraying Zak Wilde is warning everyone about snakes on a plane. It turns into a sudden twist, as snakes suddenly appear on the plane. This was probably the only scene in the movie that managed to cause people to gouge their eyes out and castrate themselves after seeing the absolute horror onscreen. This was done so that they were purified and could not pass on what they had seen to their children. The movie eventually winds up in Michael Jackson's Chocolate Factory, a joke truly never heard of before by anyone. They must go into a wardrobe to escape the child molester before he harvests their skin and dances in it. The wardrobe takes them to Gnarnia (look, it's like Narnia except it has a "G" Isn't that funny?). A grues greets them and takes them to his house. MTV cribs starts, causing many to piss their pants with laughter (or disgust). It is at this point that one begins to think "Why the hell did I pay $12 to see this? I could have stayed home and been more entertained by a bucket of cat crap than I am now." It's too painful to continue writing about this utter Hindenburg of a movie, naming it so because of the firestorms that occur in the theater from heads exploding in sheer awe. The bottom line is that no one wants to watch a dumb movie that makes no sense and is about as funny as Bob Saget, which means that it is RETARTED. In 2007 a man in Phucket, Virginia bought this movie on PaperView. He later sued Direct TV and demanded his money back. He claimed that this movie was so bad his daughter shot herself in the recliner chair. Later the family came to an agreement with them.
The agreement is as follows:
-Direct TV will pay for their daughter to be cremated - Direct TV will never show EPIC MOVIE on PaperView again - Direct TV will get the family a new recliner chair - and what sealed the deal...a Direct TV agent will suck the balls of all the men in the family...for two hours straight
- Alfie- Typical teenager-
- Virginia- Jailbait who constantly haves sex. Loves all boys.
- Rob- Chainsaw-wielding psychopath
- Joe- Friend of Alfie and is a straight-A student
- Kim- A real bitch who hates jailbait
The movie is based off of a pattern of crap paintings in ancient caves. The paintings were created by cavemen, the ancestors of modern screenwriters, but were instantly covered with feces once they realized that someone might actually see what they wrote. The feces decayed and the paintings stayed, being discovered by "4 of the 6" writers behind scary movie. They instantly took a press of the paintings, then got tired and decided they were out of toilet paper. They wiped with the script, and noticed words formed, so they thought they could make some easy money by putting a movie together and selling it with the idea of it living up to the first two scary movies. This is a disambiguation of the origins of the movie:
Picture some bubbling diarrhea covered in pubic hair and marinara sauce and you have the idea: a piece of crap covered with more crap, then covered in good topping to attempt to hide the crap that lies beneath from people who may only look at it from the top.
- 1 out of 10
- Absolute catastrophe
- The computers around the world all read "catastrophic failure" when this movie was released.
- The long fabled war of the machines started because of this movie.
- Terrorists threatened massive retaliation for the suicides committed in their countries due to this movie.
- Mr. T pities the foo' that watches this movie.
- Chuck Norris cried when he saw this, then immediately killed everyone who ever had anything to do with the movie for making him shed a tear.
- The dump my dog took last night was more epic than this movie.
- After watching this movie, I turned into a mermaid. Yes, a mermaid. Epic Movie literally cut off my ability to reproduce.
- Where else can you get fucked for an hour and a half for $10?
The eve of Epic Movie's premiere was to go down in history as "Night of the pickle". The elite of Hollywood all showed for the premire of this epic disasterpiece. A-list stars such as Abe "Hot Beard" Lincoln and Pee "Pee Wee "Herman glided gracefully down the red carpet. It was an epic event of epic hob-nobbing until vegetative horror arrived. The infamous pickle farm scene(beginning at approximately 3 hours into act 1) infuriated produce rights activists for it's unflinching and fearless scenes of invegetable produce placement. As a compassionate human, I will not describe this scene in-depth. Just know it involves pickles and a duck local to the farm. The stars and starlettes were just about to be ushered into the cinema. Liono, lord of the Thundercats was chatting with himself when suddenly a large, wet pickle slammed into his temple. Liono screamed like Ted Kennedy driving by a Betty Ford clinic and dropped a mud nugget in his underwear. Suddenly, the entire crowd was caught in a hail of hard, wet pickles.
Liono was hospitalized and suffered severe mental and physical trauma. One of his doctors tried using hypnosis to cure him of his picklephobia, but when testing the results with a small, dry pickle, Liono freaked out, arched his back, hissed, and then marked his teritory by urinating on the floor. The doctor squirted Liono in the face with a water gun as punishment because, in the Doctor's words "Liono knew better".
The Hoax Theory
2 months before filming began on Epic Movie, there was a claim by the assistant director's dead mother that the film had been faked on a studio stage. When asked if this was true, the director responded " No, she can't talk because she is dead". No one was ever able to prove that dead people can speak, so the director was never tried for crimes against cinema.
Epic Movie the Sequel
In January of 2007, a release of the Epic Movie sequel opened in theaters. The sequel was directed by Mel Gibson. When asked about what his thoughts were when making the movie, he replied, "I wanted to create an epic masterpiece of a movie. So, I used parts from some of the greatest movies ever, including Eight Legged Freaks, Batman and Robin, The Passion of The Christ, Jaws 3 and the Paris Hilton sex tape. I believe I have created a movie that will make everyone happy." However, nobody else felt the same way about the movie as Mel. It made a record breaking and previosly thought to be impossible -$1,000,000 on it's opening day. It was released on video the next day. When asked about another sequel Mel responded, "Of course! Not only will it contain parts of Eight Legged Freaks, Batman and Robin, Passion of The Christ, Jaws 3 and the Paris Hilton sex Tape, but also parts from Epic Movie!"
Disaster Movie and Monster Movie
Disaster Movie was made in response to the box office success of Epic Movie (and its sequel). Yep, Disaster Movie lives up to its name, and so does Monster Movie. IMDb lists them as the worst movies ever. The response to the film created a worldwide economic shutdown and may in fact, be responsible for all that is currently wrong in the world. There are many things you can do instead of seeing these movies; here are all top 150 (not to be confused with the IMDB's top 250, you certainly won't find this movie THERE.)choices from various movie patrons on what they would rather do(written by individuals, so all are in first person)than see this shit:
1) Bash my head against a Styrofoam wall.
2) Bash my head against a Cardboard wall.
3) Bash my head against a Styrofoam wall, violently.
4) Bash my head against a Cardboard wall, violently.
5) Bash my head against a Styrofoam wall, repeatedly.
6) Bash my head against a Cardboard wall, repeatedly.
7) Bash my head against a Styrofoam AND a Cardboard wall.
8) Repeatedly bash my head against a Styrofoam & Cardboard wall, violently.
9) Violently bash my head against a Styrofoam & Cardboard wall, repeatedly.
10)Masturbate to the sound of the squeaking Styrofoam & Cardboard as I bash my head against it violently and repeatedly.
11)Attempt to collect life insurance for repeatedly and violently bashing my head against a Styrofoam & Cardboard wall.
12)Bash head against Styrofoam & Cardboard wall in frustration because in order to collect life insurance I would have had to have died from bashing my head against the Styrofoam & Cardboard wall, violently and repeatedly.
13)Bash head against Brick Wall....violently and repeatedly.
14)Try and collect insurance now that I am dead from bashing my head against a Brick wall violently and repeatedly.
15)Discover that I'm a ghost and can no longer obtain my life insurance for repeatedly and violently bashing my head against a brick wall because it's all going to Uncle Ernie & Cousin Kevin.
16)In frustration bash head against my tombstone, violently and repeatedly.
17)Do good deeds as a ghost to get into heaven to atone for bashing my head against a Brick wall, violently and repeatedly.
18)Go to Heaven, get rejected and sent to Hell. Bash head against a stalagmite wall, violently and repeatedly.
19)In Hell, be forced throughout eternity to listen to Pink Floyd's THE WALL, violently and repeatedly.
20)In Hell, fall in love with some hot demon chick with horns, tail, red skin, hooves, forked tounge, the works, and have her fall in love with me and live hapilly ever after. Until, it turns out I AM eligible to get into Heaven and am dragged kicking and screaming from my one true love. In Heaven, out of frustration, loneliness, all of the pussies up there and my hatred for now wealthy Uncle Ernie & Cousin Kevin I bash my head against....a cloud, violently and repeatedly.
21)Gasp in shock that all of the above were written by a different guy, violently and repeatedly.
22)Listen to deranged Troll on the South Park messageboard on IMDB, who hates the show because he thinks it's Republican propaganda written by Conservatives.
23)Listen to deranged Troll on the South Park messageboard on IMDB, who hates the show because he thinks it's Democratic propaganda written by Liberals.
24)Listen to deranged loser on the South Park messageboard on IMDB, who loves the show because he thinks it's Republican propaganda written by Conservatives.
25)Listen to deranged loser on the South Park messageboard on IMDB, who loves the show because he thinks it's Democratic propaganda written by Liberals.
26)Listen to deranged loser AND troll on the South Park messageboard on IMDB who thinks the show has no political content whatsoever.
27)Walk through Harlem in a Klan robe.
28)Argue with deranged Kenneth Branagh fans on IMDB who thinks Branagh's version of Frankenstein is the most faithful because it depicts the Monster's description more accurately to the book, even though in the book he is described as being an 8ft tall walking corpse with shriveled yellow skin so tight amd rotted you can see veins exposed and shoulder length black hair that hangs to the floor by the end of the book, with sunken eyes that give his forehead a square-ish shape. In Branagh's version he stands 5ft 3", has normal skin except for scars on his head, and is completely bald. The Karloff version is basically just a toned-down version of the book's monster with big shoes and metal clips and bolts, but still more faithful, whenever this get's pointed out, said deranged Branagh fans immediately change the subject. They don't know what they're talking about and have no lives if you ask me.
30)Draw my shoe.
31)Drink a Cherry Milkshake, with Jalapeno's in it.
32)Drink that Milkshake again, and be ordered to not go to the bathroom or I will get shot.
32)Have my lips sewn to my asshole right over the crack, right after drinking the Milkshake, under pressure that I will be shot if I ever get caught crapping in my mouth.
33)Watch Barney.(OK, that may be stretching it a bit, but just a bit.)
34)Travel back in time, and invest my life savings in "Delgo".
35)Ask Christopher Lee if he is any relation to Stan.
36)Ask Christopher Lee to sign my poster of DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE.
37)Ask Christopher Lee if he is any relation to Stan AND to sign my poster of DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE.
38)Get beheaded by Lee for asking both those questions.
39)Listen to the bitch complain about getting a C, when it was actually a B and she heard me wrong, as she proceeds to get even madder that it was a B and she goads me into telling her to shut her fucking mouth at the family reunion.
40)Stab said bitch, violently and repeatedly.
41)Cut off my penis and grill it like spam and eat it with Eggs, with a side of Liver, Fava beans, and a nice, clean Chianti' (sucking sound).
42)Listen to stupid, basement dwelling Adam West fan who hated the Dark Knight because it was violent who continues to insist that Batman was never a dark, brooding character in the comics until the '70's and Frank Miller's run. When I point out that Batman was dark and brooding when he first began in 1939 without Robin, and that even the most fondly remembered stories of the 40's were either intense and/or horror-themed, and that because of early Batman's brutality towars both cops and criminals, he was technically darker then even more than he is in the worst modern stories, said basement dweller claims that the entire first year without Robin never existed, and that Batman was created on the Adam West show and the comics were not the source material and were illusions created by Freemasons. He's fucking serious. He's also a virgin.
43)Fake the second coming of Jesus .
44)Fake the second coming of Krishna.
45)Fake the second coming of Tommy Walker.
46)Fake the coming of Xenu and watch the Scientologist's shit themselves all kinds of shit.
47)Fake the coming of all the above just to watch everyone get confused, lose faith, and change their respective religions and lifestyles only to then announce it was all fake, hyuk, hyuk.
48)Suggest to a Christian that maybe, just maybe that the Harry Potter books aren't making kids turn to witchcraft and that it's the fault of abusive parenting the Bible is twisted to justify, and as a result have turned to new faiths as escape from their oppressive former faiths, and that there's a fine line between abuse and discipline he needs to understand.
49)Suggest to a Christian that maybe, just maybe that the Harry Potter books aren't the reason he was layed off from his job and his wife divorced him, and that burning them and killing J.K. Rowling won't solve his problems.
50)Tell a bunch of Christian's who have gotten stinking rich speaking out against the Harry Potter books that the books are canceled. Sit back and enjoy their despair as they realize that without the books, there is nothing for them to do in life that they are any good at and that they were the ones who REALLY profited the most from the books. After that I'd get the hell out of there fast as fuck.
51)Punch Superman and break my fist, violently and repeatedly.
52)Kill you all kinds of dead.
53)Slice you all kinds of bread.
54)Slice me all kinds of red
55)After slicing me all kinds of red, jump in a vat of alcohol while still bleeding.
56)Visit a theme park for masochists where you HAVE to go on all the rides.
58)Eat vaseline on toast. :)
59)Ask Jason Voorhees if he's a goalie.
60)Have Freddy Krueger give me a massage.
61)Give Edward Lionheart a bad review.
62)Perform a life saving amputation on myself or die from infection, and then find out my only operating tools are a plastic cafeteria knife and a match. :(
63)Have Michael J. Fox give me a shave with a straight razor.
64)Be one of the surgeon's who operated on Dr. Phibe's wife.
65)Try and make sense of the "pancakes" scene in Cabin Fever.
66)Argue the artistic merits of Rocko's Modern Life with a lamp.
68)Fart Once Again.
69)Fart Once More, again.(hee, hee 69!)
70)Fart Once More, again, twice.
71)Petition to get the "Fatties: Fart 2." movie from the "Tropic Thunder" opening credits made into a real movie by going on a farting strike without farting while petitioning for equal farting rights for farters, I have a Fart, where all farters are farted equal and are farted not by the color of their farts, but by the farts of their Fartater, Fart at last, Fart at last, thank Fart Almighty, I'm fart at last.
72)Lock lips with Fred Phelps .
73)Pull out my pubic hairs, one by one.
74)Pull out my pubic hairs one by one, violently and repeatedly.
75)Count those pubic hairs.
76)Count those pubic hairs, one by one.
77)Count those pubic hairs, one by one, violently and repeatedly.
78)Listen to (c)Rap(e) music not by Tupac.
79)Listen to Soulja Boy. :|
80)Listen to Hannah Montana, violently and repeatedly.
81)Sniff rat shit.
82)Gargle rat jizz.
83)Threaten to blow up a school bus if there is not a rapper or porn star who within 24 hours names themself "His Dog Max" or 'Dogg Maxx" or "Dogg Maxxx" after the Grinch's pet. C'mon it's such a fucking great name with REAL potential, someone take it or......
84)Tell the Teamster's union that Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man.
85)Offer Maddox the Pirate some X-treme merchandising.
86)Produce a musical about the kids who shot up Columbine. It'll be a romantic comedy with numbers like: "Wedgies suck", "DOOM 3-d is here", "It's a hard Glock life" and "Michael Moore is a big fart face". I intend to invite the families of victims. :)
87)Do the same as #86, only with V-tech.
88)Produce "Vietnam!the Musical" and screen it for vets.
89)Combine all three musicals into an anthology.
90)Show the musical anthology to victim's families.
91)Be crucified by those people, violently and repeatedly.
92)Hit myself in the balls with a giant sledgehammer.
93)Eat a midget's brains.
94)Eat the disfigured portion of Harvey Dent's face along with A-1 steak sauce, hey it's barbecued.
95)Star in "2 girls 1 cup" as the cup.
96)Stab my hand and win lottery tickets for each bonus vein punctured. :|
98)Fight in a real war with Leroy Jenkins in my unit.
99)Kiss Chris Crocker.
100)Not come up with anything funny for #100, violently and repeatedly.
101)Create a link that promises a cure for cancer, then rick-roll everyone.
102)Install Norton security.
103)Bathe in blood and swim in shark-infested waters.
104)Kill someone who accuses people of stealing markers that they have never even seen by walling them up in a chamber in which there is only a small slat for air and then slip markers in till they go insane and eat themselves.
105)Kill someone who accuses people of stealing markers that they have never even seen by promising to give them a mmarker someday, then kill them and make sure they get a marker; a grave marker. :)
106)Deep fry myself.
107)Deep fry myself, violently and repeatedly.
109)Try to successfully enroll in college.
110)Go door to door in Afghanistan selling a book that says MUSLIMS ARE GAY'. Unarmed.
111)Get a job. I'm black.
112)Listen to both Ken Russel and David Lynch after they get high and start brainstorming ideas on how to create a whoope cushion.
113)Befriend a potato.
114)Become a eunuch.
115)Kiss Amy Winehouse.
116)Lick Amy Winehouse's teeth.
117)Lick Amy Winehouse's teeth, violently and repeatedly.
118)Smell an Egg.
119)Sleep with Jabba the Hut.
120)Watch Star Wars prequels. :(
121)Clean up the floor of an adult movie theatre with my tounge.
122)Piss off Cthulhu .
124)Play country music in a biker bar.
125)Play Metal in a Cowboy bar.
126)Dress up in Crip gear in a Blood neighborhood.
127)Dress up in Blood gear in a Crip neighborhood.
128)Dress up as a cop unarmed, and enter both neighborhoods and start talking shit.
129)Go into a teleporter with a fly.
130)Dump Glenn Close.
131)Enter a contest where the first to cut the most off his dong gets a penny for each slice.
132)Rent parts of my body to Cannibals for very expensive amounts.
133)Rent parts of my body to Cannibals for phone change.
134)Try to cool my Mountain Dew with Ice-9.
135)Do the Dew.
136)Do the Dew in the missionary position.
137)Do the Dew in the missionary position, violently and repeatedly.
139)Do drugs in the missionary position.
140)Say no to doing drugs unprotected as I do not want to get pregnant and only will after marriage and then apologize.
141)Make love to a Husky.
142)Make love to a Husky...man.
143)Make love to a Wolf.
144)Save my girlfriend's best friend from a gypsy woman's werewolf son only to get bit and eventually get clubbed to death by my dad with a silver cane with a wolf's head.
145)Use a sock as a condom.
146)Find out the other ways to skin a cat.
147)Get skinned by my master in the name of science. I'm a cat.
148)Skin a cat, violently and repeatedly.
149)Bomb the Habba!.
150)Repeat myself, viol----ah fuck it that joke got old the first time.
Act I: Teen Movie Parody
(In the library at 3:50pm)
- ALFIE: Hey check this out guys! I found this on Joe's MySpace!
- HIS FRIEND 1: Cool! Joe must be one hell of a grade-A student.
- HIS FRIEND 2: He's fucking popular! And his MySpace says: "I'm better than you!"
- JOE: Hey Alfie, it seems to me that you like my MySpace.
- ALFIE: Hey, Joe!
- HIS FRIENDS: HEY NERD!
- JOE: What the fuck is that?
(Rob came in)
- ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- ROB: I wanna kidnap you!
- ALFIE: Please! Please don't kill me!
- ROB: I wanna see you sleep with a jailbait! Or YOU MUST DIE!
- JOE: You can't take him!
(Rob points chainsaw at Joe)
- JOE: Don't kill me! NOOOOOOOOO!
(Rob kidnaps Alfie)
(In Rob's house at 9:20pm)
- ROB: Welcome to my house. And I got Virginia kidnapped.
- VIRGINIA: We are playing and Rob tried to have sex with me. Wanna join?
- ALFIE: I don't know, I'm only a virgin, and I can't have sex until marriage.
- ROB: Come on, just one hour of sex doesn't hurt you a bit. But wear a condom!
- ALFIE: OK
(Virginia starts having sex with Rob and Alfie)
(The next day..)
- VIRGINIA: AAAAAAAAA! There's boys in my bed! And I'm pregnant!
- ALFIE: Oh my God! I'll take you to an abortion clinic! and see if you get pregnant within three weeks, OK?
(Virginia slaps Rob)
ROB: AAAAAAAAA! I'll take you to an abortion clinic. But it will be a long path down.
(Joe comes in)
JOE: What the hell? What's going on?
ALFIE: Virginia's pregnant.
JOE: I'm practising how to do abortions right now, but I'm not qualified yet. The Christians are trying to kill me!
ALFIE: Well, let's run then!
NARRATOR: Previously on Epic Fail Movie, Virginia founds out that she had sex. Joe and Alfie took Virginia to see the doctor for a check-up, but the fundamentalist Christians are chasing after them.
NARRATOR: Oh wait, did they pull The Young And The Uncyclopedians off the air? Oh shit. Fuck you!
JOE: This must be a safe place here.
ALFIE: A hole? You think a hole is a safe place?
JOE: Yes, I learnt about caves, Alfie. Didn't you know anything about Geography and Geology?
VIRGINIA: Shut up! We need to hide from the fundies!
JOE: OK, if we are going to do that, we'll just put all of uis in there!
(Joe and Alfie hides Virginia and themselves in the hole)
(Alfie gets stuck)
ALFIE: Fuck, I'm stuck!
(Joe pulls Alfie in)
NARRATOR: Now that Alfie, Virginia and Joe are in the hole, they wil have to wait while they hide as fugitives
(two hours later)
JOE: What? You really wrote it?
ALFIE: Yes. Got a flashlight? And a piece of chalk?
JOE: Yes, I got those. Oh wait, I think I found a way out!
(one hour later)
NARRATOR: And so, these three guys went through a hole and when they come out, it leads them to a church.
JOE: Huh? This is the church!
ALFIE: Come on, we'll get out of here fast.
NARRATOR: So, they went out of the church and then head straight for the hospital.
DIRECTOR: Aaaaaannnndddddddd...... cut! That's a good job there.
CAMERAMAN: Definately the last episode ever made, eh?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, it is- Shit...... they're cutting it off?
(Next up, it's UnRomantic Comedy! We'll be right back after these messages...)
Act III: Unromantic Comedy Parody
JOE: Here we go, a cheap Chinese restaurant.
ALFIE: Why a fucking Chinese restaurant?
VIRGINIA Why the hell are we going here. Duh!
(in the restaurant)
KIM: Hi, guys.
JOE: Kim, we got a problem. Virginia had just fallen pregnant.
ALFIE: He was going to perform an abortion, but the police and the fundy Christians are after us.
KIM: Sure, I can help. We're going through the entire journey.
If you see this movie (and survive), common side effects include nausea, vomiting out your insides, extreme depression, erectile dysfunction, spontaneous combustion, instant death, and PTSD. Doctors advise checking yourself into an asylum after seeing this miserable waste. If you do not check yourself into an asylum, remove all objects from your house and spend your days in your bed, chained down. Flak jackets and helmets are recommended in the theatre, as the crap spewing out of the screen may become projectile and seriously wound or kill if protection is not worn.