This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.
Oh, by the way, while I'm teaching you about Discordianism, I'll also be saving the world.
I'm on a mission from Goddess
“Children have the strangest adventures without being troubled by them.”
“Be Prepared for Anything.”
One day in 2011 I was getting ready to service a client when everything suddenly went like topsy turvy, upside down and backwards. It was like looking in a mirror while falling into a deep, dark hole. Some of my clients like doing that. Then I was hit in the head with a golden apple. That hurt! I was seeing stars!
Well I knew what that apple meant. Eris Discordia. She's also called Goddess Eris, as well as her other nickname, Bitch. Eris is the one who rolled a golden apple labeled "To the prettiest one" at a wedding party of the Gods and Goddesses just because she wasn't invited. Then the Goddesses started fighting over which one of them was the prettiest, and before you know it, the Trojan War. You don't mess with Eris.
I said, "What do you want? I'm busy." Discordia doesn't like it if you bow and scrape before her and stuff. Besides, I wanted to take the gold and run; I could make more money from selling that apple than I did selling my cherry. But when I grabbed it, it disappeared just like Alice's Cheshire Cat. And just like my cherry.
Discordia said, "I JUST TALKED TO MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER." Goddesses like talking in ALL CAPS. Mal2 started Discordianism with this dude called Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst. She told me this is what they said to each other:
So then Discordia told me, "I WANT YOU TO GO AND LET PEOPLE KNOW THEY CAN STOP KILLING THEMSELVES. IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT."
I said, "But why me? Yeah, I get around, but I'm just a young working girl in a world dominated by men, so nobody will listen to me."
"EMPEROR NORTON CALLED YOU 'THE LITTLE COUNTESS,' AND I DECLARE YOU A 'DISCORDIAN AMERICAN PRINCESS.' GO FORTH AND SAVE THE WORLD AND STUFF."
She also held me down and tickled me, and some other stuff, and then I did some stuff to her, and then it didn't seem like I had much of a choice. So I finally said, "OK, whatever."
Oh, by the way
I was leaving when Eris suddenly and matter-of-factly said, "Oh, and by the way. If you don't succeed, on Friday, December 21, 2012, the world will end."
"Say what?" I said in total shock.
"I always thought the world should end on a Friday. Same day they snubbed me at that wedding. They could at least have let me park the chariots. So, Ha! Then, Zap! And the first day of winter seems like the perfect day."
"But December 21 is the beginning of summer in the southern hemisphere!" I said, knowingly.
"Whatever," said Eris.
The Curse of Greyface
“We propose that man develop his innate love for disorder, and play with The Goddess Eris. And know that it is a joyful play, and that thereby CAN BE REVOKED THE CURSE OF GREYFACE.”
Now before I could save the world, I had to do some research. Like how could I save the world if I didn't know what was wrong with it? So I spent hours studying by watching Fox News on television and pop stars on the Internet. And people thought I was an ignorant slut. I also learned about the Discordians so I'd recognize them, and of course checked the bible of Discordianism, Principia Discordia, to get some answers.
It seemed that the world's problems were caused by an ancient and powerful Curse, invoked by some hunch-brained guy called Greyface in 1166 B.C. Before him, people didn't worry about rules, but ate, drank and were merry. But Greyface didn't like that because they made so many messes that he felt compelled to spend all his time cleaning up after everybody. So he brainwashed people by constantly chanting "Look at all the order around you, how nice order is" while pretending the disorder wasn't there. Kind of like I used to do when mom told me to clean my room.
But this Greyface dude went further than that. He also looked at things like stars and told people they're really connect-the-dot goats and virgins and crabs, and you had better believe it or else! Greyface had OCD, was very anally retentive, and totally became the world's first and most influential party pooper.
You see, the dude was crazy, but he was also charismatic, and people were afraid of him. So everybody started putting everything in "its place", which to Greyface was doing it "my way" instead of "your way." Soon the human race had laws and wars and greed and slavery and all the rest. The curse was Seriousness, and it had to be countered and fast, before those dudes with Weapons of Mass Destruction, Laws Of Mass Manipulation, and Drills of Exploitation stopped everything for good!
“A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing What he Reads.”
“IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.”
I looked for some Orthodox Discordians, because who would know Discordianism better than them? I found a group all wearing T-shirts with the official Discordian numbers 5 and 23. They were dropping things in a mud puddle and playing Sink--I recognized the game from Principia Discordia, so I knew they were orthodox. One said "I sunk Columbus, Ohio!" five times. I waited for him to finish, so at least I know he didn't sink it 23 times.
"Hi," I said. "I'm Minnie Rae, I'm a Discordian American Princess and I'm on a mission from Goddess."
A man with a big hat marked "size 23/5" said "Discordian American Princess? That's not in Principia Discordia--unless it's in the black cover version, but that's not canon. You aren't a Mormon in disguise, are you? What's your official Discordian holy name?"
"Daughter of Norton," I said at random. "But it doesn't matter. Eris sent me to save the world, and I really need your help!"
"It doesn't matter?" exclaimed a woman who had a nametag reading "Priestess Heiress Paris the Terrorist", a size 23 broad squished into size 5 pants. "You mean if it's not in the P.D. it doesn't matter."
"But the world is going to end on Friday, December 21, 2012, unless we stop it!" I said.
"You should use the official Discordian calendar for dates," said the Doctor. "Let's look up the convertor found on page 00034 of Principia....ah, by your reckoning the world will end on Setting Orange, The Aftermath 63, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3178.
"That's a Friday," said the heiress priestess, "If it's going to end on a Friday we should get plenty of hot dogs because that's what Eris ate when She was snubbed at the wedding party."
"But not imprinted with the Sacred Chao!" said the Doctor, "And no hot dog buns! Because according to 'The Doctrine of the Original Snub' on page 00018, 'snub' spelled backwards is 'buns.' Eris ate her hot dog without a bun."
"I'll go buy hot dogs!" said someone.
Someone else said, "I'll go buy no hot dog buns!"
Another person threw a tea bag, hitting me in the back of the head. "I sunk Minnie Rae!" she said, 23 times.
I totally had enough of them. "I'm leaving," I said, and left.
Surreal Pinealist Rutabega Discordians
“The human race will begin solving its problems on the day that it ceases taking itself so seriously.”
“Well, I never heard it before, but it sounds uncommon nonsense.”
“We're all mad here.”
The first group didn't help at all, so I thought I'd try the Surreal, or, Pineal Rutabega Discordians. I saw them at Wal-Mart. A third of them were putting up silly posters, a third were taking down silly posters, and a third were spouting nonsense phrases like "toad the wet sprocket" or "my pineal gland's not a rubber chicken!", and all of them were throwing apple, rutabega and other kinds of pies at passerbys.
"Excuse me," I said to them. "I'm Minnie Rae, I'm a Discordian American Princess and I'm on a mission from Goddess."
" " one said, bowing. " " he rose up and threw one at me. Fortunately by now I was used to dodging things thrown by Discordians, and caught it. He scratched his head with a giant green plastic hand and said, " " and went back to putting up a poster upside down.
"The world's going to end in 2012, and I'm really trying to save it," I said.
" " he said and laughed like that was really funny. A bunch of the other Discordians laughed too.
" " he said. " " Then he pulled a pogo stick out of his gigantic mustache, and starting bouncing around.
"I've had enough of you clowns," I said. I threw the pie at him and hit him right in the kisser. He stood there with egg on his face, his mustache fell off, and suddenly he looked like a very sad man.
" " he said, and wiped away imaginary tears with his giant green plastic hand.
"This is too silly," I said, and left.
Hate Rant Discordians
“Look around you. Look at these cold, black bars. The colorless ceiling. The hard ground. That's your universe. That's the world you're going to be living in for the rest of your life here in Prison.”
“Or kill me.”
The next group of Discordians saw me first. I figured they had heard of my mission, and were coming in the shape of a five-sided pentagram to greet me. But when they got closer, I saw they were arranged more like an oblong and were carrying stones and rocks. I knew they were Hate Rant Discordians, and I was quite worried. But they totally ignored me.
I swallowed hard. In my profession I have a lot of practice doing that. I said, "Hi everybody. I'm Minnie Rae and I'm on a mission from Goddess."One of them was a dark-skinned woman with black hair, wearing a black dress with black shoes. Her name was Goth. She sniffed and said, "Something smells funny," and threw a rock in a random direction. "Just practicing," she said to no one in particular.
"Can you like help me save the world?" I asked.
Then the group made an opening, and this middle-aged, bald man with a white beard walked out. He face was furrowed with angry scowls and crevices so deep you could use them to hide pizza and beer. "We heard about you, DAP," he spat, and where he spit smoke rose up. I knew I was in trouble, because this was the angry Reverend Roadkill! "You're one of those Really Real Discordians who think everyone should agree with you, aren't you?," he spat.
"Well, we know the real Discordia, a hateful, vengeful Goddess with a cold, steely knife hidden in her dark bosom. We heard you plan to throw seriousness in the garbage, dine on non-existent freedom, and save a sliver of hope for dessert!" exclaimed Roadkill. "And we hate that!" "Hate!" "Fail!" "Hate Fail!" they said, nodding their heads in agreement with each other and scowling in disagreement with me.
"Reverend Roadkill is right!" said one. "Nobody can tell us what to think!" said another. The others said; "Roadkill is totally right!" "Two Mittens up!" "10 mittens!" "Infinite mittens!" "Infinite Mittens and w1n!"
"Sorry," this long-haired, bearded man in a dirty white robe named Pope Ratatattat whispered to me, "but we must hate you on principle alone. Nothing personal." Then loudly he said, "I give Reverend Roadkill five mittens!"
"FIVE MITTENS?!" said the group all together. "Isn't five that old smelly Erisian number?" asked one. "Isn't that from that old smelly hippie Principia Discordia?" asked another.
"ALL CONDEMNATION TO FOOLS AND TOOLS!!" said the group as they held up their stones. I mean their rocks, not their private parts. I was totally terrified they'd start throwing them at me! That's not the way I like getting stoned. But then I saw they were all looking at the long-haired man in the white robe.
The man made the Discordian peace sign and said, "Peace." Somehow, I knew that was totally the wrong thing for him to say. I ran away like a mouse in a cat house!
Conspiracy Fanboy Discordians
“Feeling paranoid? Good: illumination is on the other side of absolute terror. And the only terror that is truly absolute is the horror of realising that you can't believe anything you've ever been told.”
Next I found this group of Discordians huddled together like scared baby chicks under a picture of Robert Anton Wilson signed RAW, the guy who wrote The Illuminatus! Trilogy with Robert Shea. All of them were wearing tin-foil hats, so I knew right away they were the Conspiracy Fanboy Discordians. If anybody would believe the world was going to end and would help me reverse seriousness, it would be them.
"Excuse me," I said, "But the world is going to end in 2012 unless we lighten up, and--" Before I could say anything else, the one wearing a "23 is everywhere" T-shirt began babbling:
"We know, we know!" she said. "It's all an Illuminati conspiracy being perpetrated by descendants of Adam Weishaupt who passed himself off as George Washington to start the Bavarian Illuminati in the United States! We have been training diligently to see all the fnords planted around us and found out that the Pentagon was built to contain Yog-Sothoth! It also has five sides, just like "fnord" has 5 letters, we each have 5 fingers, and Wilson's middle name, Anton, has 5 letters! We also highly suspect that Hagbard Celine is not The Midget in disguise but is actually an Illuminati agent trying to destroy the Discordian society from the inside! And...wait... why am I telling you this? You worked your evil Illuminati tricks on me! All is lost!"
I was like, "Are you really taking Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea's Sci-Fi novel and tongue-in-cheek manifesto literally? You're worse than the Surrealist Discordians who think Discordianism is all jokes. Don't you get that Discordianism is both a real philosophy and a joke?"
So I looked at RAW, or at least his "so serious" portrait, and discovered something and totally LOL'd. I knew none of them ever looked at the other side of the frame. On the back was this photo of Wilson laughing like crazy, probably at the people fooled by his silly tricks.
Nothing to see here. It was time to move on.
“There are no rules anywhere. The Goddess Prevails.”
I was about to give up. Like, how was I supposed to save the world and finish off seriousness with no help? But I had one Discordian group left to try; the Hippie Discordians. The future of the world totally depended on them.
I found them in a hot tub in a tree-house on one of the top branches of a skinny birch tree. The tree didn't look nearly strong enough to hold up the tub, the water, and a bunch of people splashing around inside. But on a branch hung a sign that said, "All Laws are Invalid Here--Including The Laws of Physics."
“'The more a society requires its respectable women to keep their bodies covered, the more likely those women are to be oppressed.”
"Take off your clothes so we can tell you aren't a Greyface, and come on in!" said a girl wearing nothing but the flowers in her hair. Then she flashed the Discordian peace sign and said, "Peace."
"Oh my Goddess!" I said. "Aren't you Miley Ray Cyrus?"
I jumped in the crowded hot tub. There were a dozen people in it, and a winged horse with four breasts, a walrus named Paul and a smiling cat named Cheshire. They gave me something to drink and I drank, something to smoke and I smoked, and something to stick wherever I wanted to stick it and I stuck it. I was chillin' in the hot tub, listening to the music coming out of the walrus' mustache, and not feelin' worried about anything. Then I suddenly remembered my mission.
"I'm on a mission from Goddess," I said, dreamily.
"We all are," said the four-breasted winged horse named Fairly UniHorny.
"I'm trying to save the world," I said, smiling.
"We all are," said the walrus.
"But you're all just smoking and drinking and sitting in a hot tub!" I said.
"That's right; we're having a board meeting," said Rev. Loveshade. "But don't worry; later comes the sex."
"But how's that going to save the world?" I asked.
"If the world can't save itself, it's not worth saving," said the cat named Cheshire, with nothing but a big smile.
"You're no help at all!" I said, and reluctantly grabbed my clothes and left.
“Ye have locked yerselves up in cages of fear--and, behold, do ye now complain that ye lack FREEDOM!”
I felt just awful, and was totally afraid the world would end soon and it would be all my fault. I plopped down under an apple tree and started crying. Within minutes an apple fell on my head, and it hurt! Stars circled randomly around my head like they were carried by some tornado in a rabbit hole. But if I looked at them a certain way, they looked like the number 5. Another way they were a bouncing pogo stick, or prison bars, or the face of Wilson wearing a sneaky grin. Or a naked, winged, four-breasted horse sitting in a hot tub in a birch tree. But then they were just stars again.
Suddenly, all the nonsense made sense. And all the sense made nonsense.
“All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense.”
From then on I did things like quote Principia Discordia in English to people who spoke Arabic, put posters on mausoleums that said "Virgin Bride: Inquire Within," donated copies of A Discordian Coloring Book to prisons and corporate offices, put Discordian messages in colored plastic Erister eggs and hid them at a church Easter egg hunt. I just laughed, and discussed philosophy, and had fun in a hot spring with some new friends I'd made doing all of this stuff. I figured, if you can't do what you want, as long as you don't hurt anybody, then what's the point?
So me and my new friends had a fantabulous time not worrying about anything. I stayed in the hot spring for I don't know how long, but I know I saw some green leaves fall and then change color to red and orange and brown and fly back up again.
“IMPENDING DOOM HAS ARRIVED”
When December 21, 2012 came around, the world didn't end. But we sang, "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine." Then the Goddess Eris came by, gave us all a high-five, and we had a great orgy.
And that's how, using Discordianism, I saved the world.
"And when men become free then mankind will be free. May you be free of The Curse of Greyface. May the Goddess put twinkles in your eyes. May you have the knowledge of a sage, and the wisdom of a child. Hail Eris." ---Principia Discordia
- The Autobiography of Minnie Rae as written by someone else It has lots of sex but not much violence, so sue me.
- 'Principia Discordia or How I Found Goddess And What I Did To Her When I Found Her, Fourth edition (1970), page 00038. Look it up.
- I guess the orgy and the law-breaking explains my picture, you know, how I got pregnant when I was, well, a trifle young? Don't ask me exactly how old. A lot of us DAPs are no good at math. (But we're great at multiplying.)
Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!
- The Bard
- The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc
- Church of the SubGenius
- Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Sacred Chao
- The 23 Apples of Eris Dating Service and Hotdog Grillery
- Reverend Loveshade's Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht aka "Dead Puppy Sex"
- Book of Eris, incestuous lovechild of Discordia and St. Verthaine the Goth
- St. Mae, Johnny Brainwash and KallistiCon Sluts
- Stupid Discordian Quotes about Fruitbats
- Totally Bogus Discordia Wiki
- The Honest Book of Truth, Discordian-Inspired Ranting
- Illuminatus Inner Sanctum
- Intermittens: A Magazine for Discordian Spags
- Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst's Tomb and Sex Shop
- Jonesboro's House of Eris' Science and Fnord Committee and Jonesboria Discordia
- Eris Bosomknife on the other side of the pond
- A cunning Discordian Human Sacrifice Cult disguised as a welcoming committee
- Robert Anton Wilson, his website and spidey hole
- Discordian mud wrestling
- The Jake that Changed a World: How Discordians got Planet X named Eris
- Principia Discordia: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
- Booga Booga Cabal of Discordians
This formerly savage article is brought to you, and your Christian God, by your resident Lobsterbacks. You can join them on their next Colonization at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization.