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Hello, dishwasher.

Dishwashers are large metal boxes that sit next to your sink, run up your water bill, and don't do a damn thing. They just sit there taking up space in your kitchen, and make washing dishes even more tiresome. They are, according to a recent survey,[1] the most unpopular and most useless kitchen appliances ever, ever.[2]

Anatomy of a time waster[edit]

Dishwashers typically contain two racks for dishes, a cup for silverware, and a place for that powder stuff I have to waste my money on. All of this is housed in a white metal chassis type thing. Sometimes, it is silver on the exterior. All this is to make it look pretty in your kitchen in a futile attempt to distract you from the fact that it does absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Using a dishwasher, if it can even be called a washer of dishes, couldn't be simpler:

  1. Begin cleaning dishes.
  2. Put them in the dishwasher.
  3. Take the dishes out.
  4. Finish cleaning the dishes.
  5. Ask yourself why you have a dishwasher.
Be careful not to open the dishwasher in the middle of the cycle, otherwise you may disrupt the delicate genius living inside.
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Dishwasher.

Allegedly, dishwashers have many functions. The primary function of the dishwasher is to wash dishes. However, the prep work for this task is just as tedious as hand washing. One may even consider the dishwasher to be a sensitive artist whose genius must be waited upon and cared for. Do not upset the dishwasher by presenting it with dirty dishes. Instead, clean the dishes before offering them to it, so that when it is done, the dishwasher has something to be proud of and won't be embarrassed by the fact that it cannot do anything it was made to do.[3] After the dishwasher claims it is finished pretending to wash dishes, or whatever it does in there, it alerts the poor bastard responsible for cleaning dishes after his marriage councilor told him that he should pick a chore and do it for a week to gain empathy for his wife even though the bitch chose the chore for me even though I had wanted to do the laundry because I like the way the drier sheets smell. Said poor bastard must now open the dishwasher, enjoy the brief burst of hot steam, and finish the job while maintaining his dignity, as well as that of the dishwasher.

The dishwasher manual also claims that the dishwasher will automatically dry the dishes. This is a fabrication and is not to be taken seriously.[4] Users can instead expect to be greeted by bowls filled to the top with water, providing them with another chore that the dishwasher should have already done: drying dishes. Alas, the dishwasher is a sensitive genius who must not be upset by being reminded of his failures.

History of the dishwasher[edit]

Dishwashers were invented by Whothehellcares in 1941 or something. Only one thousand units were made and released upon the unsuspecting public. After a poor response, all dishwashers were locked up in a secure location in a place I would hope was very far away from anything of value. However, some jackass decided in 2001, "hey, what the hell, let's go get those dishwashers" and, after studying the secret plans, began producing dishwashers again.

And yet, it is the American public who must suffer under this tyranny, being dragged to Costco by our wives to pick up stupid dishwashers no matter how many times we tell them that they don't do anything. They make us haul them back to our apartment, risk getting yelled at by the super for moving on a Sunday, break our backs carrying this thing upstairs, attempt to install it ourselves, deal with the guy we had to call in to do it for us, and then do the fucking dishes every night, expecting us to use these evil metal contraptions.

Good things about dishwashers[edit]

I feel so dirty looking at this...clean me, Mr. Dishwasher.

Are there even any good things at all about dishwashers? For one, they're loud. They fill the whole apartment with that whirring sound. And there I am, on the couch with my beer, trying to enjoy myself after I've done everything my wife has asked me to do, and I can't hear the TV over the dishwasher. Why is this thing so loud? Just that soft whirring makes me insane.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I go and sit right there in front of the dishwasher and stare at it while it makes that noise. But when I do, it can be sorta relaxing. I guess I don't mind the noise so much. That may be one good point about dishwashers. You could fall asleep listening to that, ya know?

Also, when I do go to sit in front of the dishwasher, I'll skip it ahead to the drying cycle if it's not there yet. Or, if it's already in the middle of the drying cycle, I move it back. Why? The steam that comes out of the vent smells so good. It's like, better than dryer sheets.[5] I just sit there and breathe in that steam all night. It smells so good, I can't get enough. My wife always wonders why I come to bed with fog on my glasses.

And you know what else? Promise me you won't tell anyone, but I've actually washed myself in the dishwasher before. I did it once. It was really late at night, and my wife was staying at her cousin's because he had just gotten married. I had the place to myself. I thought about getting some guys over and renting Cloverfield because Elias hadn't seen it yet. But then I saw my dishwasher, just sitting there quietly. So innocent. So simple. So...sensual. It seemed to be calling me.

"Oh, Geoff...Geoff I want you inside me!"

"Uh, really? Like 'inside you' inside you?"

"Yeah baby...come get it. I'll keep you warm."

"I've always have a huge rack baby."

"Oh Geoff..."

That was enough for me to actually do it. Before long, my clothes were off. I poured us each a glass of detergent and opened her up. I crawled inside of her and let her do all the rest. It was so good...I've never felt this way about any other kitchen appliance ever, ever.[6] The warm water splashing everywhere, the vibrations, the intoxicating aroma...

I think I'm already getting a little excited.

I'm gonna the kitchen for a bit.


Oh yes...yes...YES!



  1. Namely, me.
  2. The list of the Top 10 Most Unpopular and Most Useless Kitchen Appliances Ever, Ever was published in the August 1999 issue of some magazine I never heard of that I read in the dentist's office. I think the rest of the list was just every other kitchen appliance ever conceived, too.
  3. Correction: Some dishwashers make great places to display your stupid magnets from that one vacation we took to San Francisco and you just had to buy all those magnets that just happened to have your name on them. Yes, honey, I think that's amazing that they have one with your name spelled correctly. But you're embarrassing me and drawing more attention to the fact that the only reason I put up with you is because I couldn't find anyone else that could put up with me of that rockin' body.
  4. In fact, the entire manual is filled with what seems to be the result of a game of truth-or-dare contest and some sick practical joke. I guess you have to have a good sense of humor to make something as dumb as the dishwasher.
  5. But the doctor says I can't use those anymore after I was found passed out and foaming at the mouth in my laundry room.
  6. The list of the Top 10 Most Sensual and Most Erotic Kitchen Appliances Ever, Ever was published in the September 1999 issue of some magazine I now subscribe to that I read in the dentist's office. I think the rest of the list was just every other kitchen appliance ever conceived, too.


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