Do you have a face?
Doesn't look like it buddy, but that's okay because listed below are some helpful tips for those lacking in the facial department, or maybe those looking to take someone else's face. You know, that guy that sits next to you on the train? Yeah you know the one, his name is Erique. Well you could have his face if you wanted. Just shut up and eat your beans boy, I'll get you your face.
How to tell whether you have a face or not
For those of you who are not aware if you have a smelly bum, faces are common to almost everything ever except rocks, food and Mexicans (Mexican rocks have faces because that is a double negative, idiot). If you suspect that you are lacking a face, there is a very simple test which you can do which was devised by Charlie Chaplain in 1834 called The Test of Faith. Simply look into the mirror, and you may notice that you are not in fact looking at all, and have merely been imagining yourself as being a fully capable human living in a corporal world for your whole life, and that you cannot actually see, smell or hear. This can serve as conclusive proof that you either have no face, or have just been hit in the face with a shovel (in which case you don't have much of a face left now, do you? You ugly fuck.) Also a possible extension of this discovery is that you don't exist; this could be troublesome.
Get a face or Cindy will never sleep with you
Thats right, she's only sleeping with all the jocks because they have faces... and also because she is a dumb, ditzy blonde and she believes them when they say that penis is one of the 5 food groups. Regardless, if you want to win her or any other ditzy blonde's everlasting affection then you will need to work on this face situation. That, my friend, is where this article comes into play.
Put aside the fact that you cannot read this because you have no sensory perception, this means nothing... harden the fuck up, princess. Just grab a cake slicer and follow me, Erique is just around the corner. When you see someone whose face you fancy remind yourself that you cannot see and stab yourself in the knees with the cake slicer. This sudden self-realisation is extremely funny to watch because everyone knows that its funnier when people who are already handicapped get hurt even more. I don't know why, it just is. I don't make the rules.
Having just read the above paragraphs, you can alway lick a bum crack and you will probably notice that you still aren't in possession of a face. That's okay. It's marker time. Using those two claw-like appendages on the ends of those floppy pipes sticking out of your torso, pick up some kind of permanent marker. Draw two circles near the top of your facial area (or halfway down if we're splitting hairs). These will be your eyes. Then draw a triangle with one side missing in the middle of your facial area. This will be your nose. Now for the fun part. Depending on your mood, draw a bendy line near the bottom in a way that conveys your current mood. This will be your mouth. If we're being really adventurous, you could even do this in a washable marker pen so that you can change your facial expression at will. Your face is your oyster.
Disadvantages of not having a face
- You will not be typecast into beer commercials.
- You may be Asian.
- You cannot spit on old people.
- You waste money on balaclavas.
- You can't be recognized against pale beige surfaces (unless you are a dirty jungle man [see:nigger])
- You can never enter an Elvis look-alike contest.
- You will be forced to enter Cher look-alike contests.
- Jesus hates you.
- You are an obvious target for jocks and Oscar Wilde.
- People might think you have the ugly.
- You probably do anyway.
If you are still unsatisfied...
You are forever condemned... bummer with a willy up it, huh? Don't worry, Cindy got herpes and the jocks all got expelled for pissing off the balcony onto kiddies. Just because you don't have a face, doesn't mean you can't live a fulfilling life. It just means that no one will like you and you will have to go live in the jungle. So go on, get moving bitch... and please don't touch me.