Doc Holliday

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Doc Holliday.
Doc Holliday manufactured his own poker chips, also redeemable for one abortion.


Zebulon "Doc" Holliday (August 14, 1851 - May 25, 1887) was a card shark, gunfighter, and abortion doctor renowned for his campaigning to find a cure for consumption. Born and raised in the Ozark Mountains of Missourah, Zeb became good friends with Jesse James and subsequently an enemy of the Clanton Gang.

Early Life in the Ozarks[edit]

When not hunting, trapping, and catching crawdads Zeb spent his time learning Latin in nearby Hannibil, MO from Mark Twain. After sleeping with six of Mark Twain's kept women Zeb contracted the dreaded consumption. Coughing up blood will get anyone to the doctor's office, and Zebulon Holliday was no exception. He was advised to move out West where the climate would suit him better, and to get the hell away from the degenerate Mr. Twain.

Arrival in Tombstone[edit]

Tombstone, Arizona, home of the famous pizza maker Wyatt Earp was quite welcoming to young Holliday. As his practice expanded the local board of health awarded him an honorary doctorate in Chemical Abortionology. This earned him the nickname "Doc". Often late at night in Tombstone you could hear one prostitute consoling another, "That's okay honey, Doc will fix you up."

Card Player[edit]

When not attending to local women down the street at “The Unloading Zone” Doc could be found at his best friends pizza parlor, THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!! The O.K. Sausage Corral. In the confines of Tombstone’s notorious pizza saloon, Doc swindled many a card player while cursing them in Latin. Favorite opponents included "Butt Rustler" Ike Clanton, Billy the Kid, William Munny out of Missouri, Wild Bill Hickok, English Bob, The Man with No Name, Johnny Ringo, Tuco, Bat Masterson, The Lone Ranger, Curly Bill Brocius, Angel Eyes, Harmonica, and visiting Japanese samurai Jing Ke. I like sasuage... especially the meaty hard type..


Doc Holliday pictured in an early “Shoot for the Cure” postcard.

Fundraising and Campain Against Consumption[edit]

Consumption survivor ribbon.

With his gambling and shooting of adversaries a constant reminder of how fun being a vicious son of a bitch could be, consumption became a second reminder that his time was almost up. Like Christopher Reeve, he knew that he couldn't find a cure to help himself, but maybe he could find a cure for that sex worker he infected last night. Fundraising or "dueling" as it is referred to now came easy for Doc. Faster than he could scrape a uterus Doc Holliday could drop opponents with his lightning reflexes. Whether taking money off dead opponents, the crowd who bet against him, or bedridden prostitutes, all proceeds went to his "Shoot for the Cure Foundation."

Death and Legacy[edit]

Ten years after he began his crusade to wipe out consumption Doc Holiday laid a nurse, then, lying next to her, dying, begged to see his best friend Wyatt Earp one more time. Delirious with pain by the time Wyatt arrived Doc demanded to know if he had accomplished anything with his life. Wyatt told him that he was the last known living case of consumption. Doc Holliday died saving the rest of us from this horrible disease. Years later more would die from another disease, tuberculosis, but that's a story for another day. A famous epitaph marks his grave in Winchester, MO - "He died in his bed." Historians noted later, that like Napoleon, Doc Holliday didn't actually own his own bed, but rather frequented the beds of half the city's shack jobs. Actualy he is buried in Glenwood Colorado. He died of having to much sex with Jenny. The cause of death, Aids, who knew?

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