Doctor Dolittle

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Proca Stinas Dolittle, or Doctor Dolittle, is known as the "Suicide Doctor," for the suicide machine he invented to help terminally ill patients die hilariously. Unfortunately, the laws of the state of Kentucksylvania (where he was licensed) made killing people illegal without the proper permit. Doctor Dolittle had never bothered to fill out the paperwork for a killing permit, so he was arrested. The trial, overseen by Judge Reinhold, was a media circus, the highlight of which being the clowns' act. Doctor Dolittle was found guilty of unlicensed homicide, failure to pay 42 traffic tickets and mailing indecent photos of himself to Angela Lansbury. He was sentenced to a life of being played in movies by either Rex Harrison or Eddie Murphy.

In jail, Doctor Dolittle went crazy and started to believe that he could talk to animals. Perhaps this was the effect of the numerous prison rapes to which he was subjected. Or perhaps none of the animals felt like keeping up their end of the conversation. Anyway, he died in prison after a parrot told him he was a worthless lump of shit and deserved to die.

His only non-sadistic accomplishment was measuring the frictional constant.

Not to be confused with[edit]