Dolly Parton

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Cover from Dolly Parton's unsuccessful solo album, Ms. Moses.


Early life[edit]

Born on a Prussian Elk farm (120 miles from the city of Konigsberg) in 1924, Dolly's early life consisted mostly of milking Elk, mowing the lawn, taking the trash out, and cataloguing and numbering the local Squirrel population. One of her hobbies as a child was to play a newly invented game called Chess with her bruncle Klaus and his swarthy girlfriend Edwin. She picked up the game quickly, and played countless matches by herself or with a friendly squirrel between Elk-milking and repairing her aging John Deere 1600 Turbo Wide-Area Mower that had fallen through a time rift back in 1909. Life continued just fine, and as Dolly got better and better at playing chess (She was crowned Konigsberg regional junior champion in 1936) she realized it was up to her to leave the country to further her chess-playing career. She has massive cuntlips most suitable to a monkey shaped goblin(monklin). She moves into your mom when she was 16.

The Twin Peaks[edit]

How Dolly managed to get two mountains in southern Nepal named after her is a fascinating story, though it is now made up more of myth than truth. In 1941, while on a mission trip for the Unified Church of That Alley Behind the Tobacconist's on the South Side of Galway, Ireland (More commonly referred to as the UCTABTSSG), as the legend goes, she was able to save the Dali Llama's fried chicken from laying on the floor of a Sherpa's cabin too long, thus saving him from the 5-second rule. He was so happy, he awarded her with the right to name some newly discovered Mountains deep in a crevasse of the Earth, near the former concert site Woodstock, in Southern Nepal.

Chess career[edit]

In 1943, after finishing her tour of Asia and its minor outlying islands, like Japan, Dolly finally was able to realize her dream of winning an international competition in chess. Due to a fluke mistake at a Micronesian post office, she received an invitation to the 1944 World Chess Championships -- to the extreme! She viewed this as a sign from some omnipotent entity and prepared to leave for the US city of Kalamazoo, Michigan, site of the championships the following spring. While studying the strategies and ideas of other Grand Master chess players, she learned how to play the guitar with her breasts in her spare time, something which would come in handy later in her life.


Spring rolled around, as it always does, and after months of preparation suspended in freezing saline solution, Dolly was ready for the competition.

In the first round, she faced longtime chess veteran M. Bison, a crafty opponent schooled in the art of 'high kick-whoring' and 'you always pick that guy, you bitch'. After pumping in the quarters, she finally was able to triumph in a close match with the score Parton: 39, Bison: 35.

Dolly continued on to the second round to face Italian challenger Benito Mussolini, but as he approached the cage with his 13-foot long pike to start the match, his toupée fell off, and embarrassed, he fled the scene, forfeiting to Parton.

Dolly had now reached the quarter-final. She unfortunately was faced with the worse possible opponent, Ignacious Satan, who, though unbeknownst to Parton, was actually King of Hell, and Mayor of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. She fought long and hard against the more talented and agile Satan, but in the end, the dark lord triumphed and Dolly was devastated. Following her defeat, she turned to drugs to battle the pain, and this addiction was to follow her through the preparations for the 1945 tournament, and for the rest of her life.


This is where things started to get bad for our heroine. Dolly, while training hard and submerged in freezing saline, forgot to set the timer, and was tragically kept in a state of suspended animation until 1979, when someone thought to go check on her.

Aftermath of the Disaster[edit]

After it became general knowledge that one of the 20th century's greatest female chess competitors had been in suspended animation for 24 years and no one had missed her, it was decided by the United Nations to name her an honorary Grand Master of chess, in a ceremony in northern Scotland. As the anthem, Get Tae Buggery, played in the background, United Nations Secretary General PeeWee Herman placed the coveted medal around Dolly's neck. Later, she would say it was one of the happiest moments of her life.

New Beginnings[edit]

Obviously, Dolly's main goal in life had been crushed mercilessly by fortune, and she decided to redirect her creative energy towards a new goal - to become a famous guitarist. Spurred on by the late 80's surge of Guitar-playing jack asses that had hit the popular scene like a tsunami in Thailand, she hooked up with a fellow named Ron Artest, and formed a short-lived band called the Beatles. After failing miserably (despite a number 4 rating in the rich nation of Moldova), Dolly decided to break the band up try to find a new creative direction.

The Sitcom Cometh[edit]

Dolly starring as the first female incarnation of The Doctor on the BBC series Doctor Who.

In 1983, while on a trip to Los Angeles to promote her solo album, "Butts I'd Like to Kick", Dolly ran into former chess opponent and all-around friendly guy, Ignacious Satan, who was now working for ABC as a writer for the hit show, Three's Company. They decided they would try their hand at their own sitcom, and after 3 steamy brainstorming sessions in the dive joints of lower Harlem, they were able to produce a pilot episode and present it to the studio execs.

The show, Satan and Dolly and Her Giant Titts, ended up being a smash hit. The first season finale was such an event that Dick Clark did a special countdown session from Lunar Base Station Alpha to commemorate it. Dolly became famous and rich off of the merchandising and licensing her new hit show was generating

Dolly also starred in the BBC series Doctor Who as the Fifth Doctor. She is noted for playing the first female incarnation of the Doctor, and faced a great deal of sexism for accepting a typically male role. Dolly originally wanted the Doctor to wear a cheerleading outfit, but the producers deemed that too extreme, asking her to tone it down. Eventually, they settled upon the familiar cricket uniform that the Fifth Doctor is known for. Dolly did not know how to play cricket, but she thought the uniform matched her eyes, so she chose to wear it. She also figured that knowing the rules to baseball was close enough. The celery she wore on her lapel was also her decision. She was on a diet at the time, and the celery was often used as a snack when she got hungry while filming. Dolly was chosen for the role because the producers wanted the show to have an appeal in the U.S. as well as in Britain. Dolly considered changing the name of her theme park from Dollywood to Doctorwood for a short time, but it did not go over because of copyright laws, and the fact the new name sounded dirty. Plus, the pun just wasn't there.

Money is no object[edit]

The success couldn't last for long, though, and ABC was destroyed in 1984 by the Million-Mom March, a terroristic organisation hell-bent on bringing Amish values back into the home. (See the Pan-American Amish Crisis of 1984 for details.)

After this sad stroke of luck, Dolly decided to use her vast resources to put a band back together, and after a short stay in the hospital from 1984-1991 for Spinal Laryngitis, she did a nationwide search for young talent with no moral qualms about making shitty music.

She found her young talent, and soon a new band was on the scene.

The Rise of Cannibal Corpse[edit]

Her new band, called Cannibal Corpse after the late Samuel P. Chase, consisted of the following members:

  • Dolly Parton - Lead vocals, guitar
  • Ed Rendell - Bass Guitar
  • Tony Danza - Saxophone, background vocals
  • Bill Engvall - Drums
  • Elijah Otis - Harpsichord

They released a total of 14 albums, 2 of which went HOOOOOONK!! gold, and 4 of which went curium after only 7 years of radio play. Their most famous song is the rock ballad RTFM - Repeat the First Message.

Interesting Fun Fact: Dolly Parton is actually made of plastic. It ISN'T just her appearence.

Where is she now?[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Dolly Parton.

Dolly currently resides in an underground complex, 14 miles southwest of Las Vegas, Nevada. She knits, and likes to take long walks on the beach wielding a tire iron, beating horseshoe crabs to death in a merciless frenzy. The proceeds are donated to the American Cancer Society.

Once a day she undresses, takes a deep breath of helium, and floats upward to traverse the skies above New Mexico, a practice which first began in February 1999 after a routine silicone transfusion went wrong. Despite being rescued by the Space Shuttle in April 2001, the daily passage of her startling shadow across the desert had become such a part of New Mexico life that the tourist board begged her to keep doing it, and promised never to tell their citizens she wasn't up there all the time.

A few years later, Parton revealed shocking, previously unknown facts about her sex life in her audio book. Apparently, not only has she, quote, "...lifted Burt Reynolds' nuts and [eaten] his gross, filthy, shitbox," but also, she loves nigger cock.

In 2008, she was spotted in Southern Texas as a Category 1 Hurricane. And she blew many away.

See Also[edit]

See Also Stars Who had Fake Boobs[edit]