Don't Feed the Ducks!!!

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Welcome to Yellowstone!!! I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time here.

Greetings ladies and gentlemen! I'm forest ranger Bob, and my job here is to ensure that you all have a wonderful time here at Yellowstone National Park. We generally try to keep the park as safe for tourists as we can, while also maintaining a clean park for its natural residents. With that in mind we have a few rules that we would all greatly appreciate you following. Thank-you in advance for your cooperation:

  1. Rule number one: If you are inside your vehicle, and you see an animal, please leave your doors locked and windows securely rolled up. Do not leave your vehicle to get a better look at the animal, as this increases the risk of attack by 5000 percent. Trust me on this one. The last guy I met who didn't follow this rule got the skin of his face mauled off by a bear, and then the bear called all of his bear friends over and... well folks, have your children cover their ears. It was bear bukkake. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty.
  2. Rule number two: Please no flash photography. For the same reasons as before, getting mauled and...well you know the rest parents, is not fun. Flash photography makes animals go into a hulking berserker rage and want to kill you. Have you ever seen a buffalo with a chainsaw? No? Well you don't want to either, that's all I'm saying here.
  3. Rule number three: Don't ever stick any part of your body in a geyser, ever. Unless you want to experience boiling water on your genitals, just don't do it. More stupid people have died from sticking their face in a geyser than I could ever keep track of, so I don't. I'm just the guy who gets to call the ER, say "Hey we had another idiot" and then smile smugly while you're carted off on an ambulance screaming "My face! My face! Oh god, the pain! Why didn't I listen to forest ranger Bob?" Well, I'm telling you now, so listen.
  4. Rule number four: Please don't litter. The animals don't like it. I don't like it. Mother nature doesn't like it. So...don't be a jerk.
  5. Rule number five: The buffalo have the right of way, not you. It may be entirely possible that you like to ride in your cars full throttle, knocking over everything that stands in your way as a sad demonstration of your own Freudian hang ups. If this is the case with you, I highly encourage you to get over your lead foot, and let the bison pass. They're bigger than you, and will totally wreck your car something fierce if you drive into one of them. They're everywhere, they're slow, but better that than a trashed car and a fine for a few dead buffalo.
Please do not feed the ducks. It's important.

Finally, and most importantly I have one last rule. It is by far the most important rule, and if you fail to follow it, it will lead to the severest of consequences. If there is only one rule that you can follow, please make it this one. That last rule is rule number six. Don't feed the animals. ESPECIALLY THE DUCKS. Allow me to repeat that again, just in case you didn't hear it the first time. DON'T FEED THE DUCKS.

Rule Number Seven Always have an extra rule in case one of the others break, get lost or are stolen.

Why you Shouldn't Feed the Ducks[edit]

There are quite a few reasons, actually, why you shouldn't feed the ducks. For starters, the habitat of all the animals here in Yellowstone is very important. Feeding the ducks messes with that delicate balance, ruining the ecosystem and creating previously unforeseeable problems such that animals start to act a little different than they norm--

Excuse me children, Yes you two in the back, just what exactly are you doing back there? Excuse me? Children? Could you turn around for a moment please and tell me what it is you are doing back there?


One minute folks. This will only take a second.



I'm sorry children, but I'll have to ask you not to feed the ducks[edit]

I know it's fun, and I can hardly blame you. Honestly I can't. I mean, the ducks sure look cute over there, don't they? If I were your age, and ignorant of the consequences of feeding the ducks much as you are now, I'd probably be over there feeding them myself. But it's very, very important, no crucial, that we don't feed the ducks. Do you know what I mean when I say crucial? That means that something very very bad could happen if you continue to feed them. I understand though. You're just children. You're curious and don't understand the gravity of the situation. That's why I'll just let you off with a warning for now.

I know they look cute, but seriously, stop.

Now where was I?[edit]

Ah yes, I was explaining in detail why not to feed the ducks. As I said, feeding the ducks messes with their habitat and surroundings. The ducks can become overweight, making them more susceptible to predators, and overweight ducks can effect the health of those said predators. I think you can all agree that us here at Yellowstone can't afford a gym for all the animals! Haha. Just kidding. The animals wouldn't know how to use a gym anyway.

Another reason why we don't feed the ducks is that--

Wait, what? Little girl?

You gotta be kidding me.

It's okay Bob. This happens all the time. Little kids just like to test the limits of things. Just do the breathing exercises you learned at that anger management class. Yes...that's it. Now count down from five.

Okey dokey! Nice and relaxed! Excuse me child. Perhaps you didn't hear me talking to those children before. I kindly asked them not to feed the ducks. No, I totally understand that the duck looks hungry, but you really can't feed him little girl. I'm sorry. Just please please please don't do it again.

Wooh, okay...I think you guys get the idea, don't feed the ducks[edit]

Alrighty then, are we all clear on the rules? [1] Okay. So we're not going to do any of that other stuff I said, and we're especially, certainly, NOT going to feed the ducks. Okay? Okay. Now then, if you open your maps, I'll just give you a general idea of where the different features of our park are located, and then I'll send you on your way.

Okay, now if you look toward the southwest portion of your maps, you can see where Old Faithful is. I figured I'd point that out to you first since it's such a well-known GODDAMIT!!!

Oh, I see. So they're just eating out of our hands now.

It's on, you bitches[edit]

What the fuck is wrong with you? Didn't you listen to me when I nicely told those little kids not to feed the ducks? I'm not asking for a lot here. Every time I come up to this goddamn over-hyped tourist-infested "park" [2] I have to put up with mouth-breathers like you who keep repeatedly FEEDING THE MOTHERFUCKING DUCKS! I'll even go so far as to say forget all of the other rules. Just don't feed the ducks, got it? I want everyone here to repeat after me. Don't. Feed. The ducks. I DIDN'T HEAR ALL OF YOU!!! OKAY SAY IT! NOW MEAN IT? ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?


Damn right you aren't.


You think you're so clever, huh?[edit]

Okay, I see the name of the game here. Stick it to the uptight forest ranger! Well, don't say I didn't warn you. I don't think you understand how serious this is. I tried to explain, but you wouldn't listen. Well, when the ducks attack, who do you suppose is going to be laughing at you from the safety of indoors?

Actually, I won't be laughing. I will be depressed, because I lost yet another tour group to the ducks. Your lives are my responsibility, and I will have failed you. I guess it's time for ritual suicide. Luckily, I have my magnum in my pocket here.

What's that? No, of course I didn't kill anybody. The ducks did. The ducks are evil. Sure they may be cute and fun in little groups, like say one or zero, but it's when they gather together in larger groups that things start to spiral out...

Oh shit.

Alright, this is a time for action[edit]

Everybody, if you want to survive, do what I say. First, grab as many tree branches, garbage cans, poles, anything you can find that would make a decent melee weapon. Now, form a circle. It's important that we make a perimeter, and have the children in the center. We have to protect the children! We're going to make a spartan phalanx. It's important that we focus now, or we may never live through the day. Lucky for us, ducks don't have opposable thumbs, so they can only attack us at melee range. Next, I want you all to make this noise as loud as you can:


Ducks hate that noise! Don't ask me how I know it, just do it!

Okay good. I think we're starting to scare them off. I think we'll be alright, just so long as nobody else...


Oh gawd. We're dead. So very very dead.[edit]

No, I'm not giving up this easily. You guys hold them off. I'm going to make a run for the shotgun! Oh God oh God, they're coming after me! AUGHGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!





...And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you shouldn't feed the ducks.
  1. Especially the duck one?
  2. and I say that loosely



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