Dorchester
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“If you want to get chicks, head to Dorchester....or you know, blokes in my case.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dorchester
Dorchester is an authoritarian, independent state in the South of England. It's full title being the Ultra Conservative Republic of Dorchester. It is famed for it's ancient Egyptian pyramids, monorail, having no sense of humour and is twinned with Beavis and Butthead, Ohio.
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[edit] History
Dorchester was formed in 1066 when Thomas Hardy wrote a book called the 'Mayor of Casterbridge'. Hardy, a renowned Dark Lord of the Sith was able to conjure it up with the help of Jesus of Beaminster, who was on vacation from Hogwarts.
Originally part of England, the Dorchestrian revolution occurred in 1497 when it was decided that women could walk freely around Dorchester without veils. This was the final straw in a series of events including the legalisation of beards, taxation of flatulance and mandatory morris dancing on Sundays for under 65's.
Since 1797 the Supreme Tory Government has ruled Dorchester with various Presidents including George Michael, Vince McMahon, The Teletubbies and by a bizarre twist of fate, a pot of Marmite.
[edit] Culture
Dorchestrians generally fall into three categories; Snobs, Chavs and Hippies. The town is partitioned into ghettos to contain the latter two. The areas of Poundbury, St Georges Road and Victoria Park are Chav-designated areas. No-one may enter these regions without a Burberry cap and a tracksuit. Only cheap white cider is allowed to be consumed in these areas. Chavmobiles now patrol these areas after recent rioting when the local OneStop ran out of fake tan and when the local government raised the age of conscent to 13.
The Snobs are a breakaway community, seeking independence in North Dorchester. Mostly residing around New Poundbury, Queens Avenue and Manor Park, they are becoming increasingly concerned at the lack of continental style coffee shops, organic food, non-conservative voters and growing evidence that there may be no more repeats of The Good Life.
The hippies like Jim Morrison.
[edit] Education
There are three main schools in Dorchester: The Chavs and Baby Mammas prefer Dorchester Middle where they are guaranteed at least 1 free cooked meal a day and can drop their children off at the on-site crèche before lessons. The Snobs send their children to St. Osmond’s, former school of 80's DJ legend and Fun House presenter Pat Sharp. Ultimately all junior Dorchestrians end up doing time at Thomas Hardy's School of the Native, unless their parents are from the Piddle Valley and can afford to send them to one of the many elite private schools surrounding the area such as Bryanston where they will be forced to have sex with their music teacher and be subjected to years of buggery (See Tim Henman).
[edit] Vietnam War
No-one in Dorchester was involved in the Vietnam War. they left that to the people from weymouth.
[edit] Another war
Peaceful relations with neighbouring Weymouth continued until 1984, when a clerical error put them in a theoretical state of war. Recent changes in Warhammer 40k gaming allows citizens of Dorchester freedom to fart in Weymouth's general direction. Stoning of Weymouth residents has been legal since the end of World War 2 not doing so is HEAVILY frowned upon.
[edit] More War
Fordington in Eastern Dorchester has been seeking independence since they were influenced by Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones. David Jason(White), better known as Del-Boy Trotter has begun a guerilla campaign of terrorism against the North, by holding car-boot sales along the border. The North is well supported by Prince Charles, Bruce Willis and Britney Spears.
[edit] Law
The law is harsh in Dorchester. One may be arrested for drinking shandy, alcopops or eating carrots. Judge Jeffrey was a harsh judge in Dorchester who put to death many people for having over-sized arses. This period was called the Bloody Ass-Sizes. Recently, law enforcement has been contracted out to arrogant coked up weymouth police, The A-Team, Judge Dredd and the WWE.
[edit] Economics
Unit of Currency : The Dorch. 1 Dorch = 10 Weymouth Wangs.
Main Imports : Asians, Poles, Coffee Shops, Women's clothes shops, curry.
Main Exports : Men's clothes shops, love-dolls, g-strings.
[edit] Interesting Facts
- Dorchester has the hightest amount of Snobs per Square Mile in the whole world.
- The word Bollocks was invented when Dorchester resident George Bush was arrested for drinking non-organic cider.
- If you walk down Dorchester High Street, you'll get to the bottom if you don't turn into South Street.
- The Dorchester Magpies are a WWE tag-team that funnily enough, are from Dorchester.
- The Queen was not born there.
- There are four single women to every single man in Dorchester, although 88% of all females here are Lesbian. It's true ... the BBC agree there is lots of gagging totty in Dorchester
- This article is much better than the Weymouth article which reflects the reality of the town's differing positions.
[edit] TEENAGE culture
- past times: including joy riding, binge drinking, hiding wide spread homosexuality at all costs, minor violent crimes and farmyard resident rape; all of which taking place upon the infamous salisbury field or maumbury rings.
successful rent boy tony blair once claimed that dorchester's teen culture was: "the very scum at the very bottom of the bucket, that one would happily scuff of one's shoe, burn until suitably browned then feed to the tramps sitting on the somerfield car park." nothing and no one deserves this.
