Doritos

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Doritos[edit]

Doritos

In 2009, with help from the Ultimate-Guitar community, a new flavor was introduced. Lol Wut Pear flavored chips were shipped but ultimately resulted in 946,732 of Ultimate-Guitar.com's 1,100,000 users being banned from their accounts because Carmel was on her period.

Years later, Cardiologist cum Private Eye M.G Doritani was looking for a new secret, heart friendly chip recipe he could sell and make millions, he found on the ground of an ancient Mayan Temple a chip, which he ate and said "DAMMMMMN BRUTHA... THESE NEED SOME CHEESE!" So, in his Medical/Private Dick office (Garage) He boiled the chip in cheese, but to no avail. He was just about to go to his straight jog as a Tattoo Artist, when suddenly there was an explosion, and out came many many chips. He Picked one up, ate it and died, Because of a Heart Attack / Food Poisoning / Gangster Assassination. His Son, Little Mickey Mo' Sho' Flo' Go' Ho' Doritani discovered the dead body and all the chips, and naturally ate some. He said it was the most delicious chip he had ever enjoyed! He told his Mother, who was a nurse / dishwasher / mistress and she was overwhelmed by the flavours, so the family started up it's own Dorito factory in Paw-Paw Michigan, where they still reside to this day. Doritos had since then spread to Japan, China, Australia, Europe and the rest of the world.

History[edit]

Barbeque Doritos- barbecued cheese and meat in one small taste.

In the year of 1420 a meteor was on a crash course with Earth. The only way the technologically deprived 1400ers could survive such a tremendous impact was by collecting the first Dorito: The Golden Chip. A group of adventures including Napoleon, Christopher Columbus and Walt Disney went on a quest to find the chip. After finding the Golden Chip the people of the world used it's powers to summon any animal they wanted to. They agreed to summon a Pterodactyl to stop the meteor but unfortunately they realized that a Pterodactyl could have never stopped the meteor. So eventually they decided to nuke the meteor with Russia's bombs. After successfully destroying the meteor, shards of it fell from the sky, killing many. One victim of the falling meteor Debris was Walt Disney, who had a monument built for him in Canada. The Monument has sadly been abducted by aliens, (mostly because of the constant alien abductions in Canada) but can be spotted on the moon if you use a microscope. The Golden Chip has been sold in an auction and has never been seen again after that because doritos only reconize people who DO something.

Wild Doritos[edit]

While the Doritos bought and sold at your local convenient store may seem tame, they weren't always. They come from a jungle in Peru, and must be caught and drugged, then flavored and bagged before shipped out to stores. this is why you MUST eat the Doritos with in 10 minutes of opening the bag, or you WILL have you innards ripped out and strewn across the walls. In the wild, Doritos live in tiny plastic bag shaped huts in tree tops. they swing on vines and eat sloths. they are quick tempered and shoot a poisonous cheese flavored goo as predators.

Criticism[edit]

Doritos have been Criticized since They were Founded in 1939. By Many Groups.

The Churchs[edit]

The Catholic Church was against Doritos Saying that if You Take two bags Doritos, Put them in a Blender Melt there Dust into a Liquid than Shape it into the Shape of Satan, Depending on your Artistic Abilities it may or may not actually look like Satan, Judge Judy Tried this and she Noticed it May or May not look like a Satan, So Doritos Was Sued for $4000.And because of her wild act the dorito's company had to look for a better way to sell them so they invented dip to cover there "santanic" look.

P.E.T.A[edit]

Since the 1980's PETA has been undergoing a series of Campaigns to Shut down The Dorito Company Saying That "If you put a Retarded Goat in one of there Factories and open all of the Doors and turn on all the Equipment and Shoot off it's head, It will die, We Tried this on Several different Retarded Animals or Human/Animal Mixed Creations." Judge Joe Brown Found Dorito's innocent saying "BISH I HATE PETA I'LL EAT KFC WHENEVER THE FUCK I VWANT ACUTALLY RIGHT NOW SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME FO' KFC! YAH!"

PENIS[edit]

Doritos has been said to contain the foreskin of circumcised Jews. They're also known to be Hitler's favourite snack. Jew better believe it.

Children of Jesus Moron Mormon School for Special Youth[edit]

In 1992 COJMMSFSY (Or Commie for Short) filed a lawsuit against Doritos Because of a Widely Circulated Christmas Dorito's Bag, Featuring to Boys "Play-Fighting" Commie said that It looked so Much like Two Grown Men (Cobobulating) With There (Firemen) that Their Entire Student Body has become Homosexual. Judge Judy 2.0 Said that Doritos is not to Blame, But the Jews. She was fired 2 Days later By her Producer L'Chaim Bilatsky.

The new Doritos flavour: Japanese Gay Blast. It's rike raving rentaaai in your mouth!

US flavours[edit]

In 2007 Doritos ran a campaign called "Doritos X-13D Flavor Experiment" where black, unidentified bags of Doritos were on the market for consumers to identify and name the flavor. The only flavor identification on these chips was "All American Classic". The flavor was later identified as severe retardation. This caused severe outcry from most of the US, one anti Dorito campaigner was quoted saying: ' I feel, that Mr Dorito is implying that we God loving Americans make sex with animals and the obese.'

Nacho Lawsuit[edit]

In 2006 The Company "Tositos and Friends" sued "Doritos" for 45.9 Billion-Quadrillion-Pooptillian Dollars (As So put by there Lawyer.) There Argument was: Doritos are not originally, They are Acutally just Nacho with the flavor dried on. Those Buttfananglers with pay wit tuh money dat dey hav in ter poxets!!!!" (Also, as so put by there Lawyer) After 90 sections of a long and Boring Trail, Judge Joe Brown Realised his Homo-Sexuality and decided to Settle this with a Good Old Fashioned Male on Male all nude Wrestling Match, and He would take on the Winner. Doritos Won, But There Lawyer Joe Armstrong will never be the same.

what really happened in the end was just a nut the shut off its existance with a tree that jumped off a cliff with a hand the size of new yourk...how can just this be the case if hidden manuscripts lye inside and outside the singing gates that we all know as the truth to whatever it is we deem to be so?...hah!..i dont think this thing is real.

Sponsorship[edit]

Doritos has not sponsored any Sporting Event since 1940 in the All-Mexican Olympics in Acapulco. Due to the Fact that "Anyone who eats doritos isn't going to be running or jogging, They'll be at home sitting on there fat American Asses playing Wii! Since than they have only sponsored 2 Events, Big Pimping John's Wet Tee-Shirt Contest 1999 and The LA Video Game Convention Years 1990-2001 and 2006-2010.

See also[edit]

Chips

Mexicans