Dot Cotton

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Dot Cotton in a BBC publicity photo

Early Days[edit]

Born in 3,000,000 billlion kajillion falingellybibblratillion B.C. to a brachiosaurus and a kipper, the young Dorothy Cotton learned to cope with adversity from a young age. Fate mercilessly wrested her childhood dream of studying saddlery at the Walsall College of Arts and Technology as it hadn't yet been built. Leaving home at the age of 7, Dot ran away with a stoat to form a pop duet, aptly named "Cotton and stoat". Unfortunately, given that the human population of the earth numbered only 6 at this time, success was limited for the intrepid pair. Eventually, racked with hunger and pissed, Dot terminated her relationship with the stoat by selling him to Ian Beale at Beale's Kebabs to make Adana.

Marriage and Tragedy[edit]

Dot her wedding day

At age 13, Dot met James Caroline Featherstonehaugh Branning. The two became teenage sweethearts and it wasn't long befire the randy young things physically consummated their relationship. Unhappily, war broke out in Europe in 1914. Jim received his conscription notice immediately and so, bidding his tearful love farewell, he went off to hide under the stairs. This left Dot alone and within 9 months she had given birth to a son, Nick. Her uncle Charles Cotton took pity on the young girl and in 1926, the two married, Charles agreeing to raise Nick as his own. The marriage was purely platonic; Charles found release with Pat Butcher, who was just making a name for herself around the brothels of East London. Sadly for Dot and her young son, he thusly contracted fatal herpes and died in agony as his genitalia shrivelled up and dropped off. The widowed Dorothy turned to acting to support herself and her young son. The only extant footage of her early career is her brief cameo as Mrs Bates in Psycho.

Dot in Hitchcock's Psycho


She caught the eye of a BBC casting director while appearing in an Open University live roadshow on Egyptology, in which she played Tutankhamun. Originally cast as David Whicks due to an administrative error, she was relegated to the role of "bench on which everyone sits down and cries" when the mistake was realised, a role she performed exceptionally, winning a TV Quick British Soap award for the 1987 Boxing Day episode in which she supported the combined mass of Frank and Pat Butcher for the full 40-minute special. So impressed was the director that he offered Dot a full-time role playing herself. Although she was by now drawing in a decent wage, Dot continued to live in abject squalor in her Hackney shanteyhouse, subjected to regular physical and sexual abuse by her son Nick. The latter produced Ashley Cotton, Dot's (grand)son, whose incesetuous lineage caused his hideously deformed haircut. Dot died at home in October 2006, alone and penniless, her last penny having been nicked by that thieving little toerag Nick to feed his burgeoning Brylcreem and tatty leather coat addictions. Her emaciated corpse will be placed on display at the Age Exchange Reminiscence Centre in Bexley once it has fulfilled Mrs Cotton's contractual obligations to the BBC.