Douchebag

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Pronounced duesh-bag; not to be confused with douche. Douchebag is a rank awarded to someone who has surpassed jerk and asshole in terms of arrogance, intolerability, and shitheadedness. Douchebag is the only global crisis that has no aid/charity to combat it.

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Douchebags of the American fratboy stock.

Origin of the term[edit]

The term Douchebag came to be in 1975, the year a hygiene feminine product of the same name was released. A college kid named Mike was drinking at a frat party when some Douchebag came over and started hitting on Mike's girlfriend. Mike got really pissed at the Douchebag and said, "Stop hitting on my girlfriend you fucking Douchebag." The Douchebag got really pissed and a fight broke out. The fight ended in about three or four seconds when Mike did the world a favor and punched that douchebag right in the nose. The douchebag got his nose broken and received medical attention he didn't deserve. Later that night, Mike had a threesome with his hot girlfriend and her even hotter underage sister.

How to identify[edit]

It is fairly easy to identify a douchebag. The average douchebag can be found wearing the following:

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Several factors highlighted for identifying douchebags.
  • Sunglasses with or without white rims
  • Extra large white t-shirt
  • Ed Hardy shirt
  • A stupid, annoying, arrogant grin
  • Polo shirt with the collar popped
  • Baseball cap
  • A stupid tattoo, usually a Chinese symbol.
  • Hair gel
  • Extra large football or basketball jersey
  • Baggy pants.
  • Jordans, Nikes, Adidas and other various sport shoes.
  • An offensive amount of cologne.

Douchebaggery[edit]

Douchebaggery are acts committed with douchbag intent. Douchebaggery is not against the law in the U.S. because the framers of the constitution forgot to add it as an amendment. Douchbaggery is still a crime against God, humanity, and nature. Satan was in fact cast into hell for his douchbaggery.

Results[edit]

The results of douchebaggery vary from positive to negative.

Negative[edit]

  • Being labeled a feminine vaginal hygiene product
  • People will make fun of your popped collar and comment on how it makes you look like something from the 80s.
  • No one will compliment your orange tan.
  • You wear enough cologne to offend people in your proximity
  • People might ask you to take off your sunglasses when you're indoors and at times when daylight is no longer present.
  • All your friends are also queer ass douchebags.
  • The Pope has rallied Christians worldwide to launch a crusade against douchebags.
  • No one will admire you're clothes, except for other douchebags.
  • Hair gel and steroids consume at least 50% of your budget.
  • People refer to you and your kind as "the scourge of God".
  • Your blood line directly descends from Torquemada, Mengle, Stalin, and Satan.

Positive[edit]

  • Girls will dig you for your sheer arrogance
  • You have your own show on MTV, Jersey Shore.
  • You never have to worry about dressing well cause your a Douchebag
  • You'll never have to go to war on account of the fact the U.S. military will not recruit you cause of your gay appearance.
  • You spend all your weekends killing brain cells at various bars and clubs.
  • Muslims will not dare to mess with you as they believe you and other douchebags to be "The Great Satan".

Proto-Douchebag[edit]

Satan is the archetype of douchebags. Satan is not a douchebag per se as the term was not coined until 1975; but because of his pre-douchbaggery, Satan is often described as a proto-douchebag. Satan is the Adam of douchebags, therefore; all douchebags descend from Satan.

Famous people of Douchebag heritage[edit]

  • Attila the Hun
  • Adolf Hitler
  • Axl Rose
  • Cast of Jersey Shore
  • Caligula
  • Che Guevarra
  • Fidel Castro
  • Henry VIII of England
  • Ho-Chi Minh
  • Josef Mengle (aka The Angel of Death)
  • Josef Stalin
  • Kanye West
  • Kim Jong-il
  • Kim Il-sung
  • Leopold II of Belgium
  • Nero
  • Mao Zedong
  • Thomas de Torquemada
  • Thomas Edison