Douglas MacArthur
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General Douglas "Shit-house" MacArthur (born Douglas Adams MacArtur) was a leader in the army of the United Spades of Amerika from 1880 up to his death in 2020. He fought in World War I as the US Army's first PR officer and was a major contributor to World War II, the Korean War, and also tried to start World War III because the other ones had been so much fun. The son of Arthur and Arthurette MacArthur,who was a man, he led the United States to victory in the movies during World War II, as well as single-handedly rebuilding Japan after said war. He had a noted body odour problem that forced anyone coming into contact with him to immediately dash off to the nearest shower. The Australian General Sir Thomas Blamey was said to have recommended it be bottled and dropped on Hirohito's palace as a quick way to end the war, but Macarthur turned this idea down as not 'camera worthy'.
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[edit] Achievements
In WW1 MacArthur decorated the Rainbow division under shellfire, and was accordingly decorated himself. He went on to lead the West Point military academy so well he was promoted to run the US army in the Philippines (CICUSAITP) until he was promoted to Most Famous General (MFG) status. In 1942 MacArthur performed his farewell speech to a large Philippines audience to rave reviews and then gloriously sailed away on the USS Whoopsie to exile in Waikiki. His famous "I'll be back" speech was actually only a part of the full saying. it really is "I'll be back.. once Louis is dead!!!!!!!!". After the Australians complained they weren't getting any press in Hollywood for their movies (Crocodile Road to Bali was one noted exception), Eleanor Roosevelte, daughter of Theodore, dug him out of his war-issue solarium and sent him on a lend-lease tour of the South Pacific piloted by Amelia Earhart, where he continued to perform his farewell speech, frequently to the wives of Australian soldiers on overseas service. Eventually the Australian Prime Minister John Curtin put MacArthur in charge of the war out of boredom because he looked more convincing posing with his pipe than Curtin.
MacArthur's subsequent defence of Papua New Guinea from the appalling luxury of a sound-stage at the Paris end of Collins Street in Melbourne (3,000k away or so plus several layers of pancake makeup) was particularly notable. He supervised the island-hopping progress of the USO shows through the South Pacific, taking time out to write a musical based on his experiences, and personally landed back on the Philippines from his forward headquarters in Brisbane (7,000k away or so plus a couple of new layers of pancake). He received the surrender of the Japanese forces aboard the USS Gratuitous Anime Panty Shot in a flurry of cameras, famously demanding all the Press attend to him. Consequently there is no record of anyone from the Japanese side signing the surrender documents at all, although MacArthur signed them again and again until the lighting was right for his best side.
He then resided in Japan as the Most Famous General Ever (MFGE) until the Korean War started getting better headlines. (He was also known as the Gaijin Shogun, which is Japanese for "I have a hangover from last night's Gothic Lolita".) In Japan, he turned the country into Disneyland, and promptly found a party going on in Tokyo and got drunk. When MacArthur woke up, he found that all his base was belong to Hirohito and Godzilla.
He was also praised for the flurry of memos lamenting the quality of the standard issue toilet paper during the Korean War, which inspired the landings at Inchon to capture vast quantities of soft fluffy Communist 'Stalin-brand' toilet paper and so embarrass the North to agree to a ceasefire.
MacArthur started World War III, but the war was cancelled when President Falseman caught him mooning everyone in Hiroshima, yelling, "I GO NUCULAR! I'M GEORGE BUSH, AND I GO NUCULAR!". April 5, 1964, he was charged for faking suicide and was sentenced to 500years of prison. He later escaped and was said to Hijack a time machine. He was later found dead in 2020.
[edit] Medals
He earned or stole various awards including the Medal Of Honor, the Purple Heart, the Imperial Elephant (Danish), the Grand Elipto (Vegas), the Grand Cross Order of Romanian Military Merit and Damien Parer's Oscar. All of these were more or less awarded for leading photogenically from the rear, but he also claimed he deserved various additional awards for 'striking the right pose', 'sticking his jaw out', and 'telling the President where to get off so I can start a nuclear war'. Eventually he had so many ribbons, many not relating to anything at all, that they went over his left shoulder and he had to use a batman to carry the tail of them on a small stick. It has also been said that he shot his foot multiple times in order to gain two purple hearts. That is now called the John F. Kerry Tactic (JFKT).
[edit] Bloodbath
MacArthur was possibly best known for his stint as a Major League Bloodbath player, where he played with the Washington Generals. Playing alongside other legends such as George S. Patton and Chester Nimitz, he led the Generals to several of their most stunning victories over the Tokyo Chrysanthymums in the 1940-1945 Bloodbath Pacific season. MacArthur also captained the team during the opening of the tournament with the Pyongyang Craze, but ran into trouble partway through.
[edit] Fall from the Bloodbath
In a stunning move, the Beijing Billion strong-armed their way into the tournament against the Generals, giving the battered Craze a much-needed respite. MacArthur wanted to use the General's secret weapon, all-fielder Nieu Klear, against the Billion, but owner Harry Truman was against sending Klear back onto the field after his horrifying play against the Chrysanthymums in '45. The argument over sending Klear in got so heated that Truman fired MacArthur from the Generals. With the loss of their power center, the Generals would be forced into a three-year stalemate against the Billion and the Craze.
[edit] Ephemera
- The song MacArthur Park is named after him. Unfortunately, it was let out in the rain and destroyed. Hope for reconstruction of the park was dashed when it was discovered that the recipe had been lost. No mention of his wartime record is made except in the coded phrase 'oh no'.
- McArthur's subordinates included the President of the United States, the United Nations, and God.
See Also
