Dover Grammar School for Boys
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| Official language | Chinese, English also used | ||
| School Motto | Operor non suscitatio piscis (Don't Wake the Fish) Gendermiss 13:37 | ||
| School Mascot | Soapy the Magic Kettle | ||
| Leadership | Communist, Dictatorship, Marxist-Leninist-Maoist | ||
| Capital | L7 | ||
| Head of State | Herr Lees | ||
| Head Prefect | Ben Baldwinn | ||
| Currency | Spliff, Canteen Chips | ||
| Religion | Islam, Alcoholism, Rastafarianism | ||
| Heroes | SuperDuck, El Spraggen | ||
| Villains | EvilDuck, SuperToad, Lord Log, The Monstrous Water Snake | ||
| Official Sports | Bundling, Croquet, Ice Hockey | ||
| Song/Hymn | "Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up" | ||
| Regiments | Arse'ole, Flannel, Diary, Wart | ||
| GDP per capita | 72.6 Raffle Tickets | ||
| Animal | Spanish Donkey | ||
| Vegetable | Cabbage | ||
| Mineral/Element | Yourmumium | ||
“Who?”
~ Admiral Stephen Nugus on DGSB
“If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.”
~ God on School
“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”
~ El Spraggen on his school
“I quite enjoyed the floggings.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dover Grammar School for Boys
Dover Grammar School for Boys is a wholly student-pwned and operated (partially neo-Nazi) microstate located in Dover. The HQ is situated next to what resembles a giant banana, called Astor.
Contents |
[edit] History
Founded in 1623 by Oliver Cromwell (superintendent of the Council of Kent Schools) and natural selection with no architechtural upgrades since. The school has become well known though P2P file sharing and for its infamous previous motto "It's only the grades that matter". This mission statement proved a miserable failure from the very beginning and has recently been changed to "Operor non suscitatio piscis", ("Don't Wake The Fish").
It became Grant Maintained in April 1994, after the council realised that the school was starting to fall apart. Having been awarded £100,000,000,000, the headteacher purchased 365,000 new coffee machines for the staff room, a brand new Lotus Elise special edition and invested the remainder in cotton, re-usable bags and inoperable widesceen LCD TVs which play timed recording of students singing You are my Sunshine and masturbating in the toilets at irregular intervals. The building was modified in 2000-2001 to include a second tower, which can be doubled up as a sauna in the summer, whether desired or not.
Since the opening of the school, many legendary teachers have taught. The Emperor Borisvs has been teaching since the school started, not the common misconception that he even taught the Romans Latin, thanks to the use of his time machine cupboard. One other staff member is notable, whom is famous for climbing around window ledges, speaking with silly accents as well as speaking every language known to man and paintings which are sold for rip-off prices.
[edit] Modern Day Dover Grammar School for Boys
[edit] Life inside DGSB
Dover Grammar School for Boys students can be male or female (with a moderate number of in-betweeners), with very multi-cultural spread. The sixth form consists of approximately 200 students (99.93% boys) and the common room is subject to gender segregation. Now that girls have been allowed to join the school, students are waiting for a kitchen to be built in which to house them. Chinese is the most frequently spoken language, followed by local English, followed by 1337 (lessons taught from the ICT cupboard). Nobody speaks French, not even the French teachers as everybody hates the French.
The new "Business and Enterprise" status the school has received, teaches children how to be selfish and get lots of money for themselves, as well as how to run large Mafia ventures. Since 2003, several mafias have been at war, each trying to gain the school as their own "turf". The most notorious mafia is the GFG (Guerilla Feet Gangsters), known for their large and hairy feet, as well as their bad attitudes. Every year on their anniversary, the GFG select one lucky student to be thrown into the sun. If you do not pay their protection fees, then the Don will come and recycle you.
The school had recently become an tree-hugger ecofriendly school, encouraging children to arrive at school late via ecofriendly travel. Many students choose not to come into school on bikes, as the headteacher is known to nibble on them, then reverse into them, finally running away without telling anyone what's happened.
The school's GCSE results are brilliant, with the percentage of pupils achieving 5 or more grades A* - G increasing from 71% in 2006 to 72.1% in 2007, falling to just 3% in 2008. The A-Level results are less pleasing, so that school has decided to offer the IB for students too. All students must attend TOK(e) sessions regularly.
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS”
~ Gandalf the Caucasian on IB
“IB, therefore I BS”
~ Descartes on IB
[edit] Business and Enterprise Status
“In Soviet Russia, credit crunches you!!!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Business
The school became a Business and Enterprise School in 2006, at a cost of £150,000, forcing all students to take Business Studies at GCSE level. The business studies staff at DGSB are paid on a PAYL (pay as you learn) basis, hence the low salaries.
Business Studies at DGSB consists of the study of the migratory patterns of little bits of paper, who, it turns out, control the world. It has often been described as a series of arrows arranged in a comical fashion. This is done because of the game Pokemon Stadium which has a game called "Clefairy Says". Business Studies teachers at DGSB teach students why the rich will get richer and the poor get poorer so that they need to realise the only way to get money is to collect it with a beggars outfit at Netto.
The foundation of DGSB business studies comes from six key aspects:
- Pointless games
- Punishing Notes
- Meaningless diagonal lines that often intersect
- Tesco
- Laissez faire (often the teaching style)
- Teachers who insist they are correct every fucking time even when you prove them wrong
[edit] Homeworks
“It's work you do at home...”
~ Captain Obvious on Homeworks
As teachers are becoming more and more lazy, they are now getting students to do their job for them. If students are not able to sit behind a desk and do nothing like most teachers, then El Spraggen will appear on the scene.
Homework is used by the school to get a sample of your hand writing and finger-prints. It is also given to punish students for the low wages of the teachers and to make sure we are so busy working that we have no time to actually allow us to learn the material. This will ensure we end up with jobs that pay even lower than their own.
History homework is a specific type of homework that tends to be larger, more arduous, and as it is so heavy, people simply drop them, often crushing toes and creating bottomless pits. This results in performance of the satanic ritual of 'coming up with an excuse for not scrawling down some answers in front of your history teacher'. This normally results in the raping, and subsequent eating, of the person who has dropped the homework.
Spelling homework is usually given out to the most dyslexic children known in the school. Spelling homework is the easiest but if the child can't read, then it's a long, long story.
Some teachers assign a thing called a project. Considered the 'Boss Level' of all homeworks, this normally takes weeks to complete. It is usually set just before a school holiday, whcih takes away the relaxing and enjoyable parts out of the holiday, leaving only pure stress for the student. Not completing the project usually results in humiliation in front of your fellow classmates, as well as an 'F' grade from the teacher. FAIL.
It is said that homeworks may be avoided by feeding your papers to a pet, most often a dog. It is suggested that evidence of said consumption be provided to the teacher to prove that such an event in fact occurred. However, many teachers are aware of such tactics and may assign an even harsher punishment as a result.
Atari, creators of Destroy All Humans! realised that most kids hate homework. Deciding to get some pocket change for chocolate, they are currently making Destroy All Homeworks! and then soon to be followed Destroy All Teachers!. They will be released next year.
[edit] Canteen Food
Food in the school canteen may be infected with head lice, probably due to the cranky old lunch ladies that refuse to wear hair nets. On rare occasions, there may be eyeballs or other putrid objects inside the food, but students don't often realise that, because all they're thinking about while in school is sex. One member of canteen staff is reknowned for dipping her finger into students' cups of soup and asking: "Hot enough for you, love?".
The canteen food poison is generally sperm or toilet water. To disguise the true contents of the food, it is all thoroughly deep fried in 99.7% cow fat and 0.3% unknown substance, ensuring heart attacks at young ages. Canteen chips do burn quite nicely, however, so if ya candle is ever needed, students can light one of them on fire, which may be due to the chips' wax content- those things will burn for hours.
[edit] Toilets
Walk into a toilet at DGSB and marvel at how the Black Death hasn't returned. Urinals are generally filled with various items, from cakes to coats. It is probably easier to use a jar instead. Commonly used for spontaneous baptismal flushes, toilets are a great source of information, drawn from the huge amount of graffiti found normally on the back of toilet doors. Whilst children are entering their years of puberty, it is most likely that a toilet is a sanctuary where they can 'jack-off'. On occasions, when entering the toilet, you may be open to fire and hear a large array of groans and moans. As pleasurable as it sounds, one may take the time to join in. As well as being a sanctuary for personal pleasures, many use the toilet to take a large number of shits. Sometimes corny, runny or just fucking long, whatever the shape or size, the toilet is the place to drop the kids off at the pool.
[edit] Transportation
The average child must make do with the meagre form of transport known as "walking". Prior to roll-call at the beginning of the day, all students, that is all students that are unable to rely on the parentmobile for quicker transport, must present themselves to the overseer for inspection. Children arriving in the later part of the hour will be ushered to pick up the pace by a white, featureless vehicle, often accompanied by a cloud of smoke issuing from the lateral port-holes, and the angry cries of a 50-something "late" for duty. An elite group of students known as the "Junkie Federation" are expemplified from roll-call, on the condition that they arrive 30 minutes late, present an odour remeniscant of an over-lavish dose of Lynx Fresh (coupled with a residue smell of ganja), and do not present a worthy excuse for their apparent lateness.
[edit] Policing
As a brutal dictatorship, freedom is non-existent and information is regulated to the subliminal messages that appear on the TV monitors (what other use could the bloody things have?). All the students live in fear of Kommisar Harris. Thrown out of the Gestapo for being too nasty, he rules with an iron fist. He is known to appear out of nowhere, scream a bit and throw a paddy, before taking a random student to the school's asylum (notable for housing the cover teachers who have failed to make it as proper teachers, also known as the Early Learning Center). Then, in a schiziophrenic fit, he will switch into a mostly-harmless ex-policeman where he will reminicse over his "days in the force" and his collection of body parts. In his spare time he is known to airsoft, oversee executions of failing students and torture babies. After a few hours of enduring his off-topic crap, he will briefly remember what it was he was supposed to be doing, but can't be arsed to punish his victim and so will let them off with a warning, making the entire thing pointless. This is however, known to be a widely-used tactic in the British police force, and is universally employed, no matter the crime commited, ranging from name-calling to psp stealing to grievous bodily harm and mutilation.
The use of this tactic has granted Harris many special commendations from the headteacher, partially for teaching students the British law system, partially becasue with all the remainder of the money spent on a barrier serving no purpose but to annoy drivers and crush year sevens, all staff are being paid in school currency with no actual value. It should also be noted that Herr Lees has many of these commendations to give, and gives them out freely because, as a woman, she has mastered the fine art of lying and has convinced most people in the school that they are all "special" in their own way. She tries to apease them and make them like her enough so that they won't realise that she completely fails as a headteacher, and so far has proven to be a successful tactic.
[edit] Clubs and Hobbies
[edit] CCF (Cool Cats Forever)
The school also has a moderately successful Combined Cadet Force with RAF and Army sections. With approximately 5 members which is open to anybody from the age of 13 from the surrounding area. The RAF shooting team came 39th out of 42 in the asorgay shooting tournament!!!
The CCF is currently recruiting cadets. If you join and become a CCF member, and you get a cool gun! You get free training and a free funeral for the entire period of your service. You can then spend the rest of your life with one arm and two cats, talking about the huge sacrifice you made for your school. You also get to tell other students that you know more than they possibly could about the complexities of defence policy because you spent three years scrubbing an officer's car. You will also be obliged have a bumper sticker saying "I support our troops." stuck to your vehicle.
Also, you get to shoot shit! How freaking cool is that?! Well i say "shoot".
[edit] Yugioh FTW!
“"Am I going to kill you in a way that guarantees I win? No... I shall kill you with these children's playing cards that will lead through four episodes and eventually lead you to somehow beating me with some rare card that you coincidentally draw! Oh, I am so ambiguously camp!"”
~ every single Yugioh villain on every Yugioh player
Every month, this commitee holds a national Yu-Gi-Oh TCG (Testicle Cover Guard) convention in which duelists duel (c0mm3nc3 b47713) against eachother's TCGs. The mightiest and most strategic duelist wins. Many Speds attend these tournaments because Yu-Gi-Oh is the only thing that they can do aside from drool, curse and throw fits about nothing at all. After each round of the tournament, there is a traditional whining-fest and Spedfight. In the Spedfight, the loser of the round starts crying and attempts to attack the winner, and is subsequently dragged out of the room by teachers and is psychologised to death by Chuck Norris. Then, their bodies are disposed of by being fed to a Grue, which is subsequently nuked by Kim Jong Il so that they get radiation poisoning and mutate into a pizza. Every Yu-Gi-Oh member is taught how to save old ladies from train tracks, and then talk about it in assemblies which have nothing to do with Yu-Gi-Oh.
Rumour has it that Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters Cards are used by the leader of Soviet Russia to lure little children into his van and give them paper cuts and summon the Dark Magician for a three-way.
There was a Pokemon club house but it was destroyed in 2001 by a riot, which happened when two dittos faced each other and the spectators got so bored of watching them transform that they all burned the house to the ground.
[edit] Other
The DGSB culture encourages children to take part in clubs in their lunchtime, to get away with not feeding them. New clubs are formed by the minute- just recently and ping pong club has started, as a way for rednecks to watch young children doing physical activity.
[edit] Sporting Achievements
[edit] SpragBashing
“It's just not cricket.”
~ Ellis the Honourable on SpragBashing
Dover Grammar is renowned for its prowess at croquet, ice-hockey and its most popular internal sport, *SpragBashing. A Sprag(gen) is hurled around a corridor, field or other area and who ever drops the Sprag gets peanutted.
SpragBashing World Champions:
- 2 BC: Mr Boris Haines (Champion until 2006)
- 2006: Stephen Nugus
- 2007: Stephen Nugus
- 2008: Mr Birt - former teacher of DGSB
- 2009: Mr Pullen
[edit] Falcon Punching
Falcon Punch Checklist:
- Punch your palm with a fist, then cock your fist back and scream, FAAALLCOOONN!!!
- Then while throwing your fist forward yell, PUUUUNCCHHH!!
- Tell the bitch to make you a sandwich and if she doesn't, threaten to punch her again although she won't remain conscious after the first one. Get her to make the sandwich first, then throw all of your gathered energy and slam it into her face for making it wrong.
Click to hear a student's Falcon Punch
“All women deserve to be falcon punched!”
~ Captain Obvious on Falcon Punching
